You're putting a ton of value regarding your self-worth on the responses you're getting from other people. Confidence is the most fundamental factor when it comes to social and it's impossible to maintain when your self-worth is tied to something that fluctuates and changes from person to person and situation to situation. This makes you needy and prevents you from being someone who provides value.
Ok let's try and figure out what that girl did. She sounds like someone who doesn't base her self-worth on other people. She can enter groups with confidence because she isn't concerned with being rejected, and she probably introduced herself and gave people conversation threads for people to pull on. How often do you share your experiences, and perspectives in conversation?
> Should I just act inconviently and hope for the best, not worrying about denial because one of the interactions might work?
This might be the crux of your issue, that you think what she's doing is acting 'inconveniently for others'. Sure messing up the bathroom was a trashy, but her going to a party (where she was the +1 of the person who was invited) and providing value to people in conversation by sharing her story, perspective, and experience is not inconveniencing others.
Careful about doing the whole 'swing to extremes' thing. Let's talk about people who are assholes for a second. They're loud, they're obnoxious, they're not considerate, they seem narcissistic and rude. But for some reason people hang around them. Some people will see this and think 'Ok I guess I have to be an asshole in order to be liked socially', but that's a naive and simplistic perspective. The reason why assholes somehow manage to do well socially is because they exhibit traits that are a convenient byproduct of their toxic mentality. Because they don't place their self-worth in the hands of other people and believe in their own inherent self-worth they're able to do a few things. They provide value to other people in the way of content (perspectives, and experiences, notice a theme?), and are able to plow through the fear of rejection. Arrogant people believe they can't fail, confident people believe they will be ok in the face of failure. There is a very distinct difference between believing in the inherent value of your self-worth and behaving like an ass-hat inconveniencing everyone.
Recognize when your behavior stems from neediness or narcissism. You're upset when your friend gets complimented and you don't get the same attention, that's both of those. These two things are the things preventing any social success. I think the first few chapters discussing neediness are invaluable. It's worth a read even if you don't care about the "Attraction" parts, the social ideas apply to everything.
Well, one way is to do it in baby steps, slowly exposing yourself to things that cause you anxiety. I can recommend Mark Manson's courses which rely on CBT (which has been proven clinically and used by psychologists) and his book Models . Compared to most of the published PUA literature, Mark is intelligent, insightful and his analysis is spot-on.
You can also try reading The Book of Pook (which is free), although it's long-ish and sometimes unclear, it basically echoes a lot of what Manson talks about -- about how changing your mindset and behavior will lead to less anxiety and more success with women (and other people in general).
You can try Models by Mark Manson. Or possibly No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
I've read the former and it's pretty much TRP self-improvement advice without the misogyny. I haven't read the latter but I think it's the same.
Mark Manson also wrote a really good book about masculinity: Model s
Honest evaluation: You have average looks. Not particularly handsome, but not bad either. I wouldn't have guessed you have Asperger's based on this picture alone. Reading behind the lines of your text and what you said it sounds like the actual issue is with your lack of self-esteem and lack of social acuity (which is, understanding social dynamics between people and how dating works).
One thing that people don't often know is that in attraction what are considered as primary attractive qualities between men and women are dimorphic. To put it very bluntly and simplifying the issue, men are primarly attracted to looks and women are primarly attracted to confidence and social status. Looks do also matter for women, but in lesser extent. There are variations and individual differences in all sorts of attractive qualities so the issue is rather more complex than that, but that is a good rule of thumb in general.
I would recommend finding ways to improve your self-esteem and becoming more confident in the way you carry yourself. It would be also beneficial for you to read about dating. When you have Asperger's, you don't often understand the sublities behind social behaviour. There are a lot of sublities and counter-intuitive psychology involved in dating and these are not apparent even to many of those who don't have Asperger's. Personally I'd recommend book called "Models" that is in my opinion one of the best (if not the best) book I've read on this subject. "Art of Seduction" also explains a lot of things more about attraction (including the reason why women become unattracted after they know that you attracted to them). You can probably find them as free online PDFs if you try.
If you're a straight guy, dating apps and websites are tough as most of them have way more men on them, and men are usually much more active on them than women. For this reason I'd suggest making more of an effort to meet people in person, network and make friends. Online dating is fine as a supplement but shouldn't be your main method as it's just not effective for a lot of guys and the numbers are stacked against you.
Try local singles meet ups, speed dating events, and/or ask friends to set you up with anyone who might be suitable. If you go to meet ups that aren't for the purpose of dating, don't just zero in on the most attractive woman (or only the young single women) in the room though - that makes you look dodgy. Make sure you participate in the event and talk to a wide range of people regardless of gender, age and attractiveness. Besides, you never know which person could introduce you to your future partner. It could be the person you least expect!
Another thing you can do is get a friend or stylist to help you improve your grooming and fashion choices, to ensure you dress and present yourself in the most attractive way possible. A lot of men are terrible at this so if you make any effort at all in this area, you will probably stand out in a good way. If you can afford it, a good therapist or dating coach can also help you work through any blind spots and areas where you self-sabotage in dating.
I'd also recommend checking out this book: Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
First read The Game
Then read Models
Start there and don't come back here until you've finished.
To anyone wondering what's wrong with that message, I'd recommend reading Mark Manson's blog . Both elaborate extensively on strong boundries, being open and sincere about one's feelings (which Mark calls "vulnerability" — a misnomer, in my opinion) and the kinds of romantic relationships one could end up in, including abusive ones.
Read Models by Mark Manson. He writes that any guy will be a creep to some girls, given the right occasion. I don't see how this is different from fear of rejection. (NB: "Models" is not about how to date a photo model, it's how to model your behavior.)
I do agree with you but to an extent. I used to have awful social skills, was bad at reading situations and was very awkward with talking to girls. Never was an incel though, but I had so little success that I wanted to get better at it. I learnt those skills from PUA-material from Youtube and going out on a lot of dates. There is legit social psychology and self-development involved but it also depends on the teacher. I think the worst of the bunch are guys like Mystery whose methods are quite frankly shit and the guy is honestly a massive dickhead. On the other end of the spectrum I found RSD's Tyler and Mark Manson really helpful. For instance, his book "Models " is IMO one the best books I've read about dating. Many people here tend to associate PUAs with kind of manipulating sleazebags but there really is everything between manipulating sleazebags to people who teach how to have genuine and honest relationships with women without any manipulation or misogyny involved. In the end it's just one form of personal development that can be used for a lot of purposes and some of them are worse and better than others. There is a common saying in that scene if one is to leave a girl they should leave the girl in better shape than they found her.
In the end I got a lot better place with dating and in general with my life. I'm currently involved in the most mature and loving relationship I've ever been in. We both feel like we bring the best out of each other. She is an amazing person and I'm so happy that I found her.
Try reading this:
Well first off I think the self awareness you have is amazing, that’s a really good trait to have.
Like the other commenter, I think 17 is a bit too young to worry about things like this. You have a VERY long life ahead of you. You should focus on school and your future as a main priority.
However, I agree that people who say “you’ll find a girlfriend naturally” are not telling the truth, or have been lucky.
I recommend looking at r/seduction. I think that finding a girl is about action, you do have to try, they just don’t come naturally. r/seduction is all about picking up women, and asking girls out, which is what every guy needs to do to get a relationship. I also heavily suggest reading Models by Mark Manson . It’s a beautiful book on being confident and getting into a relationship.
The main point is that if you want a girl you have to
1) Improve yourself. Gym, clothes, haircut
2) Ask girls out. Ask out every cute girl you see. Statistically, one girl is bound to say yes.
If you have any questions, you should begin reading the book. Good luck ��
> By being honest and yourself, you may drive some people away, but here's the catch: you wouldn't have been happy with them anyway. Think about it. If being yourself makes someone walk, is that someone you would've been happy with in the first place? I doubt it.
This is exactly what this book is about. Pretty good read IMO.
Ok, lassen wir das wieso, weshalb warum mal außen vor da Du schon deine Entscheidung getroffen hast. Ich habe selber nur eine Erfahrung, aber ich habe viel mit den Damen und Herren aus dem Milieu zu tun gehabt. Lass mich einen Vorschlag zur Güte machen, finde eine Möglichkeit eine Escort zu dir kommen zu lassen, ggf. in die sturmfreie Bude von einer deiner Freunde. Sag am Telefon explizit das Du Jungfrau bist und Du eine Dame haben möchtest die auf so eine Nummer wirklich Bock hat, investiere mehr Geld = mehr Zeit. Weil: Du beschreibst dich als schüchtern und die Situation in einem Bordell ist beim Erstkontakt selbst für gestandene Männer eine eher ungewohnte Situation. Viele sind nervös, gestresst und fühlen sich unwohl. Insgesamt kein guter Rahmen um die notwendige Entspannung zu entwickeln die für guten Sex notwendig ist. Vor allem vor dem Hintergrund das bei dir ein weitere Stressor (Jungfäulichkeit) hinzukommt. Resultiert darin das Du entweder keinen hoch bekommst, oder super schnell kommst. Daher ist auch eine Dame wichtig die sich Zeit für dich nimmt und sich auf deine Situation einlässt. Dinge wie gemeinsames Duschen und Massage schaffen eine entspannte Atmosphäre, danach ausgiebiges Vorspiel und 1-2 Verkehr.
Edit: Da Du noch relativ jung bist, arbeite an dir selbst, es gibt zwei Bücher die ich dir nahelegen kann:
Lass dich nicht von den Rezensionen vom 2 Buch irritieren, es ist in dem Sinne kein "Pickup" Buch. Es geht darum wie man an sich arbeitet um einen selbstsicheren und attraktiven Lebensstil zu entwickeln.
This book completely changed my understanding and approach to relationships. Read it following my divorce two years ago, and I've always had exactly as much female interaction in my life as I've wanted since then.
I cannot recommend it enough.
It brings clarity to everything, and you can use it to bang a non-stop train of sloots, or (as the book recommends) find the girl that's perfect for you long term. It's not about pick-up lines or games to trick girls into fucking you. It's about investing in yourself and communicating in a way that lets women see your true self, flaws and all.
It's a really easy read, and you'll find yourself with vision and perspective you never previously had.
Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty
I agree that gimmicky PUA shit isn't the way to go. I've read Mark Manson's book and it was helpful, but it's definitely helpful to get info from additional sources. These books are pretty essential IMO:
It's been a while, but the book breaks down the mechanics of being a 'nice guy', in particular the 'transactional' nature of how they view relationships (especially with women), and then helps guys build behaviours that help them end that kind of thinking. If you find yourself thinking "I do all this for my crush/girlfriend/fiance/wife but they don't show interest/affection back", then it's perfect for you.
It's a really good book, but I would say it's only a beginning. I'd follow it up with Models by Mark Manson , and I have The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck on my bookshelf, but haven't opened it yet.
The ones with boyfriends I met on dating apps while they were single. I'd tell them from the beginning that I was slow to commit and if they needed lots right away I wasn't gonna be the guy for them. When things went on for a while and they realized I was never going to be exclusive with them, they'd move on to an exclusive relationship and keep me as a friend. This method plants the seed for a whole bunch of girls coming back to you for hookups between relationships, or like I mentioned, when they're unhappy in their current relationship.
Regarding my divorce, I like control and I married someone else who likes control. We both wanted control more than we wanted to be with each other, so we separated and eventually divorced. We're still close friends, but we want different things and agree that it's best to be apart.
Edit: I read this book shortly after my separation and it completely changed my approach to relationships, both sexual and platonic. I can't recommend it enough if you want to fill your life with people that make you happy.