The CBT Bible: Feeling Good
I have searched high and low for something this good at teaching you how to conquer negative self-talk, and NOTHING even comes close. You have to work at it. And go back to it. I'm having hard time in my life right now, and have been re-reading it and doing the writing exercises (you write down a negative thought, then label it and write a replacement thought), and it is helping immensely.
It's only $6, but if that's a financial hardship, PM me, and I'll send you a copy if you're interested.
You need this book .
It was recommended to me by my therapist. It changed my life permanently for the better. Now, when I feel depressed it's because of events happening around me, not negative thought patterns in my head.
If you can be honest with yourself while answering self-assessment questions, and can read a minimum of ~50 pages (first chapter), you could be one trip to the library away from understanding why you're down on yourself, and getting the tools to stop that behavior...forever.
>smart person and very capable of personal success and progress, but they tend to be TOO self analytical, and fears rejection and change to the point of constant procrastination, resulting in a real lack of motivation. We've also discussed some signs of depression,
I think Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy sounds perfect for them. Definitely helped me with a lot of the same stuff.
Another vote for professional therapy for yourself and possibly together with your husband. It will help you both so much.
If you can't afford/find a professional therapist, LDS Family Services can help (although I think I would recommend outside of that first) or it can be found online for cheaper.
At the very, very least, pick up a copy of the cognitive behavior therapy bible, Feeling Good , and a notebook and read it. Do the exercises, take notes. It will help.
First: So what are you going to do to change it?
Second Here's a book that was recommended to me by my therapist .
This book (the first fifty pages) changed my outlook on life, got me off anti-depressants, and gave me the tools to beat back depression. It sounds like you might benefit from reading at least the first chapter.
It's been in print for over 20 years, so it's probably available at your local library.
@ OP: I have the solution. I guarantee it. "BS", you say? Nope. Here's the deal.
About a dozen years ago, I was depressed, always second-guessing my words and actions, worried to distraction about what other people might be thinking or saying about me. And then I'd start re-thinking the interactions of my workday, denigrating my personality as a lack of professionalism, and more.
This book was :
Directly responsible for me getting off anti-depressants totally.
Directly responsible for my ability to look at life as is, and deal with issues in a timely manner, like an adult.
The Reason I stopped self-defeating mental patterns that had been wasting my "thought time" as well as making me feel worthless, tired, anxious and unhappy.
It took me fifty pages. One chapter. There are several self-evaluation questions. (Full disclosure: Poster hates self-help books, but loves the "one-through-five" scale to rate, say, "emotional response to X"-type questionnaires). So however long it takes you to process data, (there's an audiobook of this, it's that good), you can expect positive results that may include physically uplifting reaction when you think about what the last couple of hours have taught you. Stuff you can use forever to prevent yourself from setting "negative mental precedent" which can turn into depression. Try it.
It's been in print for over twenty years, and my therapist says the author, whom he's conversed with twice, is quite a sharp and funny gunny guy.
Okay, so first let’s take a moment to appreciate that you’ve accomplished the beginning steps needed to get where you want to be. As a person who has struggled with depression, anxiety, and poverty myself, I applaud the fact that you that you’ve already done the really hard thing by starting therapy and sticking with it.
Second, as far the question of a career, I’d say just find a job you can do for the next couple of years. As you get older and understand yourself better, you can decide on a career path. Just don’t hold off on getting a job while you’re trying to decide on a career.
Third, you may want to consider taking the TASC test without waiting to do the study classes. Your state’s education department site says the test is free and you can make three attempts per year, so you could look at the first attempt as an information-gathering mission. I’m assuming the depression/anxiety played a fairly large part in your decision to drop out, so as long as you had somewhat okay grades while you were in school, you probably wouldn’t have trouble passing without the study classes anyway. And if you pass it the first time, that’s great! But if you don’t pass on the first attempt, you’ll have better knowledge of the specific areas you need to focus on before you take the next one (instead of unnecessarily studying ALL of the subjects!).
Fourth, look into free job assistance programs that can help you learn an actual vocation (even without a diploma/TASC certificate). I don’t know about New York, but in my state these programs will even pay for the equipment and clothing you need to do the job. I just did a quick Google search for “New York Job Training Programs” and these are the kind of interesting results that popped up: http://www.vocationaltraininghq.com/free-vocational-training-programs-in-nyc-new-york-city/ (the Office of Adult and Continuing Education, which offers FREE computer classes) and http://www.allny.com/job-articles/free-job-training.html (All NY, which explains how to find free job programs in New York). The beauty of some of these programs, is that you don’t have to cold-call on businesses to convince them to hire you. The program matches you up with employers who are looking for employees they can train up into entry-level positions. Quite a few of them are permanent too. But even if you decide you don’t want to stay in whatever job they help you get, you’ll walk away with more marketable skills and knowledge than you have now. (And you’d be surprised how often the skills you learn in one industry are useful in another).
To help you with the negative self-talk that comes with depression and anxiety, you may want to read “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by David Burns, MD (or something similar). His book is an easy to read cognitive therapy book that was written in 1980 but is still relevant today. It will help you learn to short circuit those negative thoughts before they can make you feel bad. It really helped me when I was trying to get my first serious job but kept telling myself I was too stupid/shy to work in that kind of role (it was a courier role in a mortgage company). http://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0380810336
And lastly, here’s a link to something that helped me get through a lot of bad things over the years.. It’s called “The Quitter” by Robert W. Service: https://allpoetry.com/The-Quitter.
Settling for less. You may need to find out the reason(s) for your self-destructive behavior. Talking therapy is very much under-rated as to efficacy. Sometimes, in talking to a person you trust (a social worker is all you need, and I ask for a person who is in my age range and the same gender. I think any other set-up is just a potential waste of time.
Have you made a list? A list of what you really, really want from A) the goal of a solid, mutually respectful loving (hot if you want it) relationship with roles set up as you envision them.
Right now it seems at a scan of your state is that you embrace chaos, and let others dictate the course and mood.
I have read a book that made a difference in my approach to life, and my belief in myself. This book .
I found that after only one chapter - 50 pages, I felt more positive about myself than I had in years. The book has been in print for over 20 years, it's probably available at your local library.
You probably have a person or a personality type that you admire. Emulate that person, even if it feels awkward at first. No on starts out as an expert at anything. An example from personal experience:
I'm twice-married, once at twenty for two years and again at 33. By the beginning of my second marriage, I had learned from somewhere between forty and fifty sex partners. How? Basically, I really liked females. As a teen/young man, it was mostly biology, but, hoo, boy did I make mistakes. A couple of young women thought I was crazy. But by the time of my first divorce, the "crazy" had been focused, I had paid attention to what makes young women happy, and life on that plane suddenly took off. Making mistakes is how we learn most stuff. Suddenly all those mistakes I made in the past...I had learned and was not making them anymore. And as a result, there was a lot more interest in what I had to offer, so to speak. If you're afraid to make mistakes, you're afraid to live. Sound familiar?
There is also a very effective book which will show you how to get inside your own head, recognize self-defeating behaviors and change them yourself. I had been on anti-depressants for a number of years when my therapist recommended this book to me. After reading just the first chapter, I could feel how my thoughts and perceptions changing in a positive way, and I knew it would keep getting better. That's just fifty pages in.
I despise self-help books. I find most of them to be the long form of "First, lift yourself up by the hair". This one is different. I was off anti-depressants within a year. The book has been in print for over twenty years. It's probably available in you local library.
maybe you can learn to. there's a book that could be very useful, and it's basically about learning to identify your thought patterns and see where they're leading you when you start to worry or ruminate on things (really the basics of cognitive - behavioral therapy, also known as CBT). https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0380810336 I