Tell her that whatever problem she's having, "this too, shall pass."
And buy her this book or get it at the library for her:
First of all, don't try to kill yourself. Repeat to yourself that "this too, shall pass." You will feel better, it's only a matter of time. Keep focusing on your studies.
Try do to these 5 things every day. Your depression get much better within 4 weeks and you can do these for the rest of your life.
1.) Read the book "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. You can get it at a library or on Amazon.com. It's a classic self help book that's based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
2.) Live in the present moment. Train yourself to do this when your mind wanders.
3.) Meditate. You can join a meditation class probably.
4.) Exercise. Try to do 30 minutes 5 days a week. Try something that makes you break a sweat.
5.) Get a religion and pray. Pick what you grew up in or your Grandparents practiced.
Good luck and let me know if I can do anything to help!
First, you have to get comfortable being alone. Being alone all depends on how you look at it.
There are huge benefits to being alone; you can do whatever you want whenever you want, no drama, no one takes your stuff, no one nags, you, etc., etc.
I've researched some scientifically proven life-long strategies you can use to overcome anxiety and depression and you can do these for life.
1.) Read the book "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. It's a classic self-help book. 70% of the people that read it are cured of their depression within a month. Or you can try cognitive behavioral therapy. Read the book first.
2.) Train yourself to live in the present moment. When your mind wanders and you start thinking negative thoughts, bring it back to the present moment.
3.) Pray and practice a religion. It's been scientifically proven that this greatly helps with depression.
4.) Exercise everyday. Do something that you can build a sweat. Maybe take off one day a week but try to exercise at least 30 minutes a day.
5.) Meditate. Download the free "Insight timer" app or listen YouTube videos of ocean sounds. This helps build gray matter in your brain which helps fight depression.
Do these things everyday and then catch up with me during the summer and let me know how you feel. I guarantee you'll feel a lot better.
Religion is for people looking for a righteous way to Heaven.
Spirituality is for those who have been to Hell. And do not wish to go beck.
We're a pretty spiritual bunch in SD, overall. Humility's not too hard to find among a bunch of folks who have taken hammers to their own clay feet in front of witnesses.
I heard a joke that could be every alky in the world: A man is walking along a road and he sees a guy on the side of the road, hitting himself in the head with a hammer, crying for a minute, and then hitting himself in the head again, crying, etc. So the passer-by walks over to the man and just as he's about to hit himself in the head with the hammer again, asks, "Why do you do that?" And the man with the hammer looked surprised and said, " 'Cause it feels so good when I stop!".
For anyone who has been daily drinking for any period of time, I recommend checking out a book recommended to me by my therapist. A book that got me off anti-depressants for good in ~nine months. You know the expression 'It felt like a weight had been lifted..."? Yeah, after the first fifty pages, I had that feeling. I learned things I use to this day to prevent depression. It's been in print for over twenty years. I link it this way so people can read the ratings and reviews. Dr. Burns' book has been in print continuously for over twenty years, so it's almost definitely in your local library.
I despise self-help books. IME, there are two types: "Use techniques, methods, tech, local knowledge, whatever - not available to the general public. Profit!" or the alternative, "First, lift yourself up by the hair".
Dr. Burns' book is different. No jargon, no websites, just some honest self-appraisal. It helped me realize I was a good person down on himself for no reason other than habit.
I have fought this dragon, I have some weapons to share. It's a big dragon, and detailed examples help, so this is a long post. For even longer-form content, here are some books I can recommend:
Here are your weapons, in no particular order.
First: understand that you are not broken.
You are having a tough time deciding on a course for yourself. That's okay. You are having a tough time finding joy. That's okay too. You don't think "anything is worth it". That is okay, and it presents you with a goal: to find enough meaning that the effort will be worth it. That goal probably seems far fetched, but it is possible.
I used to think that I was broken. I used to think that the things people had done to me and the circumstances of my life had left irreparable harm. I was wrong, and you are wrong too. You are imbued with the same worthiness as every other human being, no matter what. You are worthy of love and happiness, you are worth respecting, you are worthy of having a supportive group of friends, your opinions are worth hearing. You deserve sincerity and honesty and you are allowed to fuck up.
You're also 20, and it is understandable if you don't know how to do most things, as you have never done most things more than once or twice, if ever. You can learn and improve yourself through effort. You are not broken.
Second: understand the difference between thoughts and actions and feelings.
When we have thoughts, they are not a direct experience of the world, they are a projection of reality into language. Thoughts are "said" by your internal narrator, which is part of you, but not all of you. Deliberate or practiced (i.e. automatic but not reflexive) actions are the physical equivalent of thoughts.
Feelings are a direct experience of your physical body: you feel hungry, you feel tired, you feel a tight muscle in your back, you feel anxious. Babies without language feel these things too. These feelings are part of you, but not all of you, because they are temporary.
If you have never paid attention to your thoughts vs. feelings, that's okay. But self-awareness is a powerful ability, and will make your life a lot easier, and it can be learned.
Third: upward spirals.
Feelings naturally become thoughts and actions. We practice it all our lives. An aching pain becomes "Ow, I should stop.", a feeling of abandonment becomes "They don't want to talk to me". Your mapping is not fixed and can be improved with practice: marathon runners translate their aches into "I should change my form," social people translate their feelings of abandonment into "I miss them, I'll reach out and see if they want to talk".
No feelings->thought translation is "better" or "worse" than any other, there are only "upward" and "downward" spirals. Upward spirals are mappings where negative feelings lead to thoughts and actions that tend to lead to positive feelings; downward spirals are mappings where positive feelings lead to thoughts and actions that tend to lead to negative feelings.
So, you want to learn to work in upward spirals. This means you need to be willing to try difficult things, and risk failure, which is scary but not fatal, and infinitely rewarding. If you are risk-averse, that's okay. You can take as small a risk as you are comfortable with, it will develop a sort of meta-confidence about your ability to handle future risky situations.
Read this book.
If you want to get "better" then you have to be willing to invest the time and effort to work on yourself. Also, taking a break from cannabis is a very good idea. I think that those "professionals" did a very bad thing by trying to tell you that your cannabis use is the sole root cause of your issues, but I do think they're right in advising you to take a break from it. Best of luck from someone who's been in the exact same place that you are right now.
Yeah, IANAD, but mild depression fits those symptoms. I have a book for you. Recommended to me by my therapist, who has met the author a couple of times. Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy. After one evening's reading, I felt a weight lifting off of me. Dr. Burns gives readers the tools to beat depression, even years later.
It's been in print for over twenty years, so it's in your local library.
I link that way so people can read the reviews and a piece of the book.
This isn’t specifically for dealing with a toddler, but this book has helped me with coping and life perspective. I have a three year old, so I can say it does also help in those crazy toddler situations.
My friend who is a doctor also gives this to his patients.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
By David D Burns, MD
This is terribly defeatist advise for a 15 year old with anxiety (a very common problem that affects many people, and does not stop them from pursuing and succeeding in challenging professions).
I would advise:
Anxiety sucks, but it doesn't have to stop you from doing what you want. Learn how to manage your anxiety. Check out this book, it's not for everyone, but it really helped me learn to manage my anxiety. It takes time, but those techniques really can help, and while a predisposition towards anxiety may never fully go away, if you learn how to manage it, it need not stop you from reaching your goals. Additionally, if you can see a therapist, especially a therapist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy, go see one, and if advised by your therapist or doctor, consider medication.
I would also say:
Good job focusing on math and science, and good job looking for opportunities to prepare yourself for your future plans now. If you have time, you may also consider working as a dog walker/house sitter in your neighborhood. Try putting up fliers at the park and the supermarket. As a pet sitter, make sure to always show up when you say you are going to, no matter what, and make sure you respect your clients' wishes with their animals and their houses and you will quickly develop a good name for yourself.
Next year, you'll be old enough to get a job at a veterinarians office as a kennel hand -- your experience and good references volunteering (and maybe dog sitting), and your interest in science will make you a good candidate for these kinds of jobs.
If you get a job at a veterinary office pay attention, be polite, and work hard. Veterinarians have a lot of discretion about who gets to help with interesting work and who only gets to clean, and a good letter of recommendation from a veterinarian could help you get into the college you want.
If you don't get a job at a veterinary office, no worries, there are plenty of animal care and science related jobs available, even for a 16 year old. Even if you just end up working at your neighborhood ice cream shop, a reference who says you are conscientious and hard working will help you move to a job that is more in line with your interests later.
When you do go to college, take some classes in other fields and explore what careers are available. It's totally awesome to know what you want to do when you start college, but the first few years of college are also a great time to explore your options and see what kinds of things interest you that you may have never tried before. If you think you might like a particular career, find out how hard it is to get decent paying work in that career. Even if a particular profession sounds fun, not being able to make ends meet really takes the fun out of anything.
I have given people many copies of it over the years, with no bad results and a few good to very good ones.
I'd recommend seeing a therapist and developing a treatment plan together. It's a practical way to identify what you are worrying about, why and how to overcome it. Then, I'd encourage you to learn more about personalities and your personality type. There are a bunch of 'personality type' systems out there, but the Enneagram is one of the least specific in its 'typing' and most useful in its insights.
- The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge (https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Enneagram-Paths-Greater-Self...)
- Feeling Good (https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380...)
Feeling Good is by David Burns, a Stanford professor who developed Cognitive Behavior Therapy. CBT is a way to identify and manage your thoughts. It sounds like you are a 'fortune telling' type of person and you try to read your crystal ball and then act on those assumptions rather than what you know. Burns goes into how to identify those types of thoughts, how to refute them and how to mitigate their effects.
> ... give the process a chance to work rather than trying to solve it your way
This is certainly a valid point. I've been giving it a chance to work for nearly 4 years now, and my wife has done relatively little towards dealing with her problems. The first two years of her depression were spent with her in absolute denial of it. I understand that things take time, but the waiting will eat up the remaining years I have of this one life if there isn't any progress. This is why I'm trying to take an active role rather than continuing to wait; The waiting accomplished nothing because she did not seek to walk, let alone run. It was not until I convinced her to read Feeling Good and practice some self-care early this year that there has been any significant progress. The regular arguments are an improvement over her denial and withdrawal of years prior; At least now she is willing to engage. My hope is that she can learn to engage effectively before the ineffective engagements destroy the relationship entirely.
I'm a little puzzled by your declaration that I am:
> determined to steamroll over your wife's emotions in favor of "rationality."
I thought that I had made it clear that her emotions are of importance when I stated that
> Ideally, when my wife feels wronged, we would have a rational discussion about what we each perceived, how that made us feel, come to a mutual understanding of the situation and each others' feelings, and seek a win/win/win resolution.
(emphasis added above). Rereading it, perhaps I was not as clear as I had hoped. Her emotions are absolutely NOT invalid. Ultimately, they're kind of all that really matters.
> you're not going to get anywhere by failing to acknowledge she's upset and working within that reality, instead of demanding that she handle everything by parliamentary debate standards.
This is very true. I do acknowledge that she is upset and I am trying to work within that reality, which is why I'm trying to find a way for her to learn to express her emotions effectively. I am by no means "demanding that she handle everything by parliamentary debate standards", but I do expect a minimum level of effective back-and-forth that abides by some of the rules of logic. I'm talking simple things, like avoiding self-contradiction and giving the benefit of the doubt to a degree. My "Did you feed the cats today?" example illustrates the lack of the benefit of the doubt that is frequently encountered. I have no idea how to ask that question, and many others, without it immediately becoming an argument wherein I am expected to prove that I was not attacking her. In these cases, I attempt to acknowledge that she was upset, but I don't know what to do other than express "I'm not attacking you" and ask her how else I can ask her such a question; This almost invariably results in her responding with something like "Just leave me alone I can feed my own damned cats", which doesn't really address either the original issue or the new one. This got a little off topic, what I'm trying to say is that the standards that I'm holding her to are not absurdly high, and they do take into account her emotional state. They are just the minimum required for simple interactions to not quickly turn into hostility. She is not meeting this minimum, which makes even simple interactions nearly impossible.
Hey there, Feeling Good by Dr. Burns is a pretty solid book regarding CBT. It has a lot of exercises in it you can do to help yourself as well as a lot of information on emotional awareness. I have this book. It helps me deal with anxiety and depression.
Have you tried this book? This book was instrumental in me getting off psychotropic drugs and all their damned side effects.
It's been in print for over twenty years, and I have given it as a gift a few times. It's probably available at the local library.
This sounds all wrong to me, and obviously will be very stressful for you. You need to find a good hospital / doctor and get yourself diagnosed right. And only then can you consider the right treatment for what ails you (I know this must be obvious to you, but I want to emphasise it).
Depending on what you suffer from, life long medications might not even be required (though will be helpful during therapy). For example, depression and OCD can be successfully treated with therapy.
While I am averse to recommending self-help without knowing what you suffer from, I highly recommend that you read "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by Dr. David Burns ( https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0380810336/ref=dbs_a_def_r... ). The author is a real doctor and a trained Psychiatrist and explains how cognitive therapy can be effectively used to treat depressions and anxiety. And he also explains how anti-depressants works technically (you can skip that chapter if you find it too technical). It is well written and everything is explained in an easy to understand manner.
Eu já usei para ansiedade, mas achei que o efeito foi mais placebo. Se houve alguma mudança foi bem pequena. Para depressão não funciona pois esse não é o propósito desse remédio.
A melhor coisa que eu fiz para combater ansiedade e depressão foi ler esse livro: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy , que é relativamente antigo, mas que ensina técnicas usadas na terapia cognitiva e é mais focado para depressão. Eu gostei muito, venho usando vários dos métodos e as mudanças são perceptíveis. Vale destacar que o meu problema é mais ansiedade do que depressão, mas também funciona de certo modo para esses casos.
Oh yes. I was also recommended to read this book, where CBT techniques are covered. https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0380810336
INTP/ENTP "spiritual person" here. Your routine and motivation is not the root issue. The self-hate is the root issue. The way you view yourself and how you relate to yourself (and by extension, the world) is very very dysfunctional, and I guarantee it's fucking up your life in more ways than one.
The negative self-talk is not reality, not objective, and not who you really are. The voice in your head is not only wrong and destructive, it's not even you.
You have a disconnect between different parts of yourself. You hate being "grounded" because when you're in that state, your ego isn't in charge, and you're forced to look at everything inside you you've been fighting. Learn to sit with that pain and not fight it... just let it happen, and watch it swell and then recede. This is, in essence, mindfulness meditation.
Try reading some of these, based on what stands out to you. They are all helpful.
The Power of Now --A book about the true nature of self and reality. Heavy Eastern influence. This book has influenced me the most out of the list, and maybe even altered the course of my life.
Radical Acceptance --A Buddhist book about loving yourself fully and completely. You are worth it!
12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos --A book by a brilliant man about how to live in a world defined by pain and suffering. Heavy Jungian influence. Quotes and references the Bible a lot, but from a Jungian/Campbellian perspective. Occasionally questionable politics.
Iron John --A sort of esoteric book filled with poetry and fairy tales about how to be a man. Heavy Jung/Campbell influence.
The Enchiridion by Epictetus --This is one of the best introductions to Stoicism, and it's free. Written circa 125 CE.
Feeling Good --CBT book clinically shown to be as effective as antidepressants. Your post is filled with things this book addresses directly. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
The Happiness Trap --A book about ACT, which is similar to CBT with more mindfulness. Basically CBT tries to get rid of/replace the distorted images of yourself and the world, and ACT tries instead to see them for what they really are, which are meaningless ramblings of an organ using evolved mechanisms to protect its host, and as such are safely ignored.
Tl;dr: Learn to be kind to yourself, love yourself, and accept yourself just as you are right now, flaws and all.
@ OP: Hi. Let yourself up. You're human. Means you're one of us. And just in case anyone's not yet seen it, here's the reason we're all here, I'll bet over 98% of alkys have this genetic panel. It's an open secret among certain western societies that this runs in bloodlines, and this proves it.
OP, self-recrimination is bootless and will only slow you down. You've had the necessary education on the lying lover that booze is..."just one, it'll be alright..." you can regard this most recent incident as part of the cost of your education. Which is really what it is.
So, get yourself to meetings daily, depending on your schedule. Everyone's circumstances, support group, assets, etc, are different. All you need is a determination that booze is out of your life.
Also, one really helpful self-help book. Oh, don't get me wrong, I despise most of the genre. I find them all to be the long form of "first, get really, really lucky,...or alternately, "First, pull yourself up by the hair".
This one's different. If you can honestly answer, on a scale of one to five, a series of self-evaluation questions honestly and apply the results correctly, you can change your world in an evening No BS. It happened to me. By the time I had finished the first chapter of this book ~50 pp., I felt lighter, like in the cliche. It was weird but true. Dr. Burns gives you the tools to stop self-destructive thought patterns...and by extension, self-destructive actions. It's really quite remarkable.
So take a deep breath, forgive yourself a mistake, and make a new plan. It's not how many times you fall. It's how many times you get up, determined to do better.
Feeling Good by David Burns. Really can't go wrong giving it a shot if you are feeling depressed or suffering through another mental illness that CBT has been shown to respond too.
It's definitely helped me, although I still deal anhedonia and other depressive symptoms. It doesn't control my life anymore though.