I highly recommend this book:
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553382497/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_FLBECbJX75JMX
I totally know what you mean when you say you're addicted to someone even though you know their behavior isn't changing and it's toxic and harmful to you both. Sounds like you guys have a codependent relationship (where he relies on you a lot and you don't feel like you can establish and enforce healthy boundaries). I hope you can find some space and the support you need to get through this. You deserve much better than this.
It sounds like you might be dealing with love addiction. If that is the case, there are books and support groups that can help you.
I can feel the pain in this. My heart goes out to you as I know exactly what you're going through.
The destruction they leave in their wake is particularly hard to work through. They make you question your faith in humanity, your self-worth, and your ability to exist without them.
Think of it like a drug addiction. You are addicted to her and simply need to learn how to stay sober one day at a time. In my lowest point, this book helped me immensely: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work
Take heart in knowing that many of us have been there, and first survived, then eventually thrived. It takes time and patience, and a little bit of hope and faith in yourself and others. There are bad people in the world, but you can learn to spot them. And for every bad person, there are 100 good people.
You are not crazy. You are not weak. This happens to the best of us.
You are firm in your desires, beliefs, values, wants and needs. She doesn't even know what she wants. She is unstable, flaky, and selfish. She is the weak one. She is the crazy one.
Addiction is when you keep going back to something despite knowing that it is bad for you. You are literally addicted to her. Don't take that lightly. Addiction to a person is as real and physical an addiction as any substance addiction.
But there's good news: What do they always say? Admitting you need help is the first step to recovery. Please get this book: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work
> The problem is my STBX is a great guy when sober
Famous last words. Millions of us have been there. I've been there. If only he would stop drinking so much, our life could be so beautiful...
I made excuse after excuse after excuse for years. He became really good at making me feel sorry for him, buying him more time. I hung on to every little shred of hope. "He only drank 3 nights this week!" and I'd set myself up to be disappointed yet again when he got HAMMERED 6 nights in a row the next week.
Life with an alcoholic is depressing, chaotic, unpredictable, miserable. It will not get better. And the worst part is that children growing up with an alcoholic parent end up with all kinds of emotional problems (I know this from personal experience as well).
Check out r/alanon for some help. Also the following books were extremely helpful for me:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself - This is great for learning how to distance yourself from the alcoholic's destructive behavior when you're unwilling / unable to remove yourself from them. While I was still with my STBX, it helped me learn how to detach from his behavior in a loving way.
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work - This book helped me evaluate why I wanted to be with someone who made my life so miserable. It guides you to take a look at your relationship and help you decide if it's worth keeping it alive. It does NOT encourage you to leave your spouse; rather it helps you weight the pros and cons of leaving or staying, and helps you make an informed decision that you can be comfortable with.