Are you me?
I've been helped by constantly learning more and more reasons why the church is not true, podcasts as others have mentioned, and reading https://www.amazon.com/Combatting-Cult-Mind-Control-Best-selling/dp/0892813113. Turns out every cult and religion uses scare tactics to try to keep their members from looking behind the curtain. We have all been deeply and thoroughly brainwashed, and that doesn't get resolved overnight.
This has helped me: https://www.amazon.com/Combatting-Cult-Mind-Control-Best-selling/dp/0892813113
It's funny because I think back to my mission and every single time I shared the first vision I remember feeling the spirit.
Now I think about the first vision, and realize that the version I was sharing isn't even the original version, so even if it happened, JS was lying about it in at least some of the accounts. And he is on record lying about polygamy to Emma, the church, and the public. Why would I trust someone who was such a profuse liar?
I reflect on my conclusion that it's all just made up. Then guess what I feel? "The spirit"! - this huge wave of peace and relief and happiness hits me - I have this euphoria that I have escaped the mind control, that I am truly free to make anything out of my life that I want. To believe anything I want.
Does feeling "the spirit" prove that the first vision never happened? Nope. But it proves to me that the feelings I always called "the spirit" are an unreliable method of determining truth - they conform to my beliefs, not to some objective absolute truth. "Faith precedes the miracle" is simply an admission of that.
But what if it did happen? Am I damning myself? Well, if he's real, would god damn me for following "the spirit" telling me the first vision and mormonism is not true? For following my conscience? For acting logically, morally, and with integrity in the face of overwhelming evidence? For being too loving and accepting? For following Christ's example of not accepting the authority of corrupt religious leaders?
Let's say that the restoration happened to restore some precious truths about the plan of salvation and eternal families, but unfortunately JS and BY led the church astray and invented the priesthood as an instrument of control (it was first mentioned 5 years after it was supposedly restored). You think god's gonna hold you accountable for following that?
You are still free to believe in any principles or doctrines if they make you happy. You can believe anything you damn well please! Regardless of what any religion has to say about it or how they've hijacked some beautiful ideas for money, sex, and power.
Best of luck. Be patient, it will take time to deprogram.
https://www.amazon.com/Combatting-Cult-Mind-Control-Best-selling/dp/0892813113 This has been paradigm-shifting for me and I'm not even halfway through. Highly recommend. Also podcasts - Mormon Stories is my fav.
I went through a phase like this (but I'm not saying it's just a phase for you). Personally, I wasn't very happy. The birth of my son was a big reality check for me. I reevaluated everything and ultimately concluded that the church didn't do as much good as I previously thought it did, and I felt that I had a responsibility to truth and I didn't feel comfortable raising my son in the church if it wasn't 100% literally true. I also felt more and more guilty being associated with the church because of its homophobic doctrines - I wanted to set an example of acceptance for my son, especially considering that there's a decent chance that he may be somewhere on the LGBT spectrum.
My advice would be to keep going if you feel good about it and if it truly makes you happy. I'd also recommend being completely open and authentic - if the church doesn't accept you with open arms as you are, it's not worthy of you.
I'd also really recommend https://www.amazon.com/Combatting-Cult-Mind-Control-Best-selling/dp/0892813113. I think it's really important to understand mind control techniques. If you conclude that the church doesn't use them and you don't feel like they are at work in your life, great! No harm, no foul. And if it turns out the church has been using them on you, you can look at your situation from a more informed perspective. Again, you may still conclude that the church does more good than harm.
I made almost this exact same post in the faithful sub about 4 months ago. I felt it wasn't true, but I thought the church was good. Then I took a deep, thorough, honest dive into all the facts. I became absolutely sure it wasn't true. I learn something new almost every day that confirms that.
And then I realized it's actually not a net good either. Most of the "good" comes from belief - absolute conviction that it's the only true church, so whatever they are teaching MUST be good, so I can feel good about myself if I follow it. Like a placebo pill. But the problem is that is based on the correlated fantasy narrative that the church has deceived the members into believing. It just simply isn't true, so the benefits of faith and conviction can't be had if you know what's behind the curtain.
Do you want to try to lie to your kids? I couldn't stomach that. For good or bad, I want to be grounded in reality as much as possible. I want to grieve the dead properly, instead of drinking a bottle of spiritual painkillers and wishful thinking.
Once I took that step, I realized how deep and damaging and effective the mind control propaganda machine of the church was. https://www.amazon.com/Combatting-Cult-Mind-Control-Best-selling/dp/0892813113 It was shocking and terrifying to realize and break free from, but now everyday I bask in the joy that I am free from that, and that I'm in a position to protect my son.
I don't hate the church either, but after regaining control of my mind, I want to ask, "Mom and Dad, why didn't you protect me?" But they were victims, too.