Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Author: Lundy Bancroft
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Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men


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by eukomos   2019-01-13

Nonononono that is him being emotionally abusive, not you. That is a textbook example. You are doing normal, social things and he's trying to isolate you from other people who could support you should your relationship with him go south. Everything you're saying in this thread sounds like stuff an emotional abuser would say to you. You're the one who's really emotionally abusive? He's given up his dreams for you? If you leave him he'll have nothing? This is 100% the standard type of thing that an emotionally abusive partner says. It is not you. It's him.

He is probably a good person in some ways and I'm sure has done many positive things for you. I know you love him and that's totally valid. But this is classic emotional abuse. Please talk to someone, maybe a counselor at your school's health center? Make an appointment and just tell them what you've told us. Don't tell him about it, just make the appointment during normal working hours and go by and talk to a professional in person, I also highly recommend the book Why Does He Do That? which is one of the clearest explanations of abusive behavior in a romantic partner I've ever read. Also do not keep that at home where he can see it. I'm really pretty scared for you, please be careful.

by randomhypnosisacct   2019-01-13

> After the dinner date we went back to his place. We were on the couch. Nothing had happened yet, he just had his arm around me. I was a little buzzed off the wine, and he said "I want to show you something."

So he didn't talk to you about hypnotizing you, and get your consent? Did you have a talk about limits and what's okay, and how much control he should have?

> He told me a little more about how he likes to use hypnosis to enhance the bedroom. So as we would text, he would send me images about erotic hypnosis all day. When I wasn't at work, he would send me videos, audios, or we would have hypnotic phone sex.

It sounds like you got into a steady relationship, but he sounds like he likes to push past your limits and uses hypnosis to do so, and is isolating your from your friends, family and work. These are all classic abuser techniques . Do you feel safe in your relationship? Are you able to say no and have him respect that? Does he try to control you or speak for you outside of your sexual relationship?

by allusium   2019-01-13

I’m so sorry that he treated you this way. You didn’t deserve it, no one does.

My therapist recommended that I read this book to understand more about the abuse that my person dished out and the particular tactics that she used to control me. If you Google it, you can find free copies to download.

I hope you’re able to find peace and healing.

by MartyLD   2018-11-10

Recently I read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", an I wanted to share it with everyone.

I think it's one of the most eye-opening books I've ever read. I thought I knew a lot about men and abuse before reading it, but it totally blew my mind and dispelled a lot of misconceptions I had no idea I was holding onto.

I think that men can get just as much out of reading it as women can! So I'd highly recommend anyone check it out if they've never read it.

Link to the book on Lundy's website (2nd book down from top of page): http://lundybancroft.com/books/

Link to the book on Amazon: [https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0425191656)

by camelliajaponica17   2018-11-10

I hope she and your niece get out soon.

"Now he's saying he's sorry, that he'll change, that he'll go to marriage counseling." They all say that and rarely does counseling work out.

Give her this book:


by MartyLD   2018-11-10

I recently read Lundy Bancroft's book on abusive men: "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", and I was really impressed with it.

It totally opened my eyes to men's abusiveness, and dispelled a lot of the misconceptions that I had about men's harmful and cruel behavior. (It also honestly helped me wrap my head around how contradictory the men who espouse gender identity are (Riley Dennis, Zinnia Jones, Contrapoints, etc), because once you get down to it they're just another flavor of abusive man)

I made this little review video to encourage people to check the book out if they've never heard of it before.

Link to the book on Lundy's website (2nd book down from top of page): http://lundybancroft.com/books/

Link to the book on Amazon: https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0425191656

by R3d_0ct0b3r   2018-11-10

The sad truth of the matter is that aside from letting her know you're worried about her, gently educating her *, and being there for her when she needs you, there is very little you can do. She's already having decisions made for her in her relationship with her abuser, so aggressively pushing her to get out will likely be perceived similarly and she may stop talking to you. I know it sucks watching someone be tormented every day, but only she can ultimately make the decision to do something about it.

(*) If you get that book for her that I linked to above, please do not send it home with her. Her abuser may find it and escalate.

by GetOffMyLawn_   2018-11-10

Angry and controlling? Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0425191656

He's abusive. Get out. You've got more red flags here than a Chinese parade. Get out before things get really bad. You're already miserable, things can get a lot worse.

by get_a_rewrite   2018-11-10

It is not acceptable for him to terrorize the family. If he knows it is wrong and violating your safety, he is choosing to scare you and scream at you and use excuses. He wants to do it, that is why he is doing it.

You've told him. You've offered solutions to the problem. He still thinks you're beneath him and doesn't want to treat you like an equal who deserves respect and fair treatment. Any way this harms the children is collateral damage, not even on his radar.

This is behavior that can easily turn physical, especially since he will not hear you.

The ONLY way to get through to people like that is to leave. Make crystal clear boundaries, and abide by them. Sit him down and tell him this is not ok. It is disrespectful, and plain out wrong, and the next time he loses his temper and yells for any reason, you are taking it as a sign of aggression and that you will separate from him for a specific determined amount of time.

Therapists will focus on his feelings but his feelings are not the problem. Anger management will not help him, neither will talking about it. He is choosing to behave this way, and will continue to choose it, and it will probably escalate eventually.

If you have a friend or family you can leave and stay with for a few weeks or month, I suggest giving him only ONE chance to change, and I mean change. And when he swears he has, you stick to your guns, stay gone for the determined time, and at the end, if he's met all requirements, then you can try again. He will probably become enraged and violent again, and that's your cue that he chooses violence and indulging his ridiculous behavior over his wife safety and his children safety. That's a big, big problem.

Read this: https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0425191656

Get it free with audible subscription which you can cancel later, or cheaper used if you can, but with an angry husband who disrespects boundaries, you don't have a lot of options, he's going to take advantage of you, blame you, blame the apartment, blame everything he can possibly reach for, but he won't take responsibility for his own behavior and that is extremely problematic.

Abusers are selfish and love attention. They go to therapy to have one more person validate their revised history, excuses, and feelings. They learn cool new lingo with which to manipulate and deflect, and they use what they've skimmed as weapons against anyone who wants to hold them accountable.

You need to look to your safety and your babies safety first and foremost.

by Jaded666   2018-11-10

If you don't break up with him after this, at least turn your relationship into a social experiment and start recording his red flags. In future, you will have a long list of red flags that you can easily identify to recognize men who don't respect women. Be prepared for him to eventually try to control your life. ALWAYS have an exit strategy. And please no not move in with him.

I also suggest you please read this book . It was eye opening for me, and I would imagine you could learn a lot from it as well.