Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Category: Schools & Teaching
Author: Lundy Bancroft
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by MidlifeBliss   2021-12-10

Try reading this book, it helped me a lot. Also a few months of NO CONTACT also helped. Be with friends and family who can support you through this.


by UnknownCitizen77   2021-12-10

Abusers are not angry and violent all the time - if they were, no one would ever get close enough to be trapped in a relationship with them.

If you are looking for more insight on his behavior, many people on the JustNo forums highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

by MidlifeBliss   2021-12-10

Emotional abuse 100% he may or may not be a narcissistic. You cannot label him that. The label doesn’t matter and trying to name the type of abuse doesn’t matter either. What matters is you are being abused and are in a toxic situation. You need to leave ASAP or your sanity/ well being will deteriorate. In the end before I left, I couldn’t even recognize myself. I also started binging and purging as a way to feel in control of something, because with him somehow I lost all control of my life and who I was.

Please read this book, it helped me sooooo much.


by radiant-machine   2019-11-17

You should read this book:


by hello-mr-cat   2019-11-17

NTA - I highly suggest you read some books on abusive relationships, there are a TON out there and this one in particular is well recommended: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Abusive people, whether emotional, verbal, etc. all literally use the same script and language, manipulation tactics, gaslighting, criticism, yelling, you name it.

Please rethink your relationship with him and whether or not it's worth a lifetime of this behavior. I wish you well.

by Phoenie81   2019-11-17

Ok those are all good signs. Have you spoken to neighbours to make sure that they don't let him in? Do you do practical things like check before you open the door?

Have you read Lundy Bancrofts book? It's the best book on DV ever written IMO

by [deleted]   2019-11-17

My best advice is that if he is throwing things it won't be long before the object or his hands start hitting you.

I'd get out of this one. I learned the hard way once and almost made the same mistake twice.

It's one of the early red flags. As is telling time make you feel afraid. I'd recommend you buy this if you have been in this position before, too: Why does he do that?

by Phoenie81   2019-11-17

Hi friend

I'm really sorry that he's done this to you. The strangulation the running in terror it all sounds so scary and awful. I believe you and I'm sorry that others don't...the sad thing is that them not believing you doesn't change the fact that it did. People have a way of believing what they want to believe.

It's still early days and it sounds like you're in traumatic bonding which I'd expect so soon on. You need him to be there to give you hugs and support you're missing that without him and it's so hard. It's natural to want the day side of him you're bound to want that still there was all the good things you were drawn to.

The cars and his friends is really worrying. Can you get CCTV for your house? You can get it for under 100 on Amazon nowadays. Can you get deadbolts fitted on doors and an alarm? If nothing else it'll make you feel safer.

I'm really impressed with your strength here you're doing amazingly. Is there a dv outreach centre you can speak to, can the police refer you anywhere? Have you read Lundy Bancrofts book I think it'd give you great comfort. Don't forget we are here for you no matter what if you need anything just reach out

by Aeilde_Light6   2019-08-24

Very true. Here's a link to purchase ($14) for those who can: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

by crazybunny19   2019-08-24

NTA. These are some serious red flags. He's reckless, rude, and he doesn't care about you (or anyone else). He doesn't care about your safety or comfort. I was with a narcissist for 24 years, and while I don't know enough about him to say for sure, he certainly fits the bill. He treats you like shit. There is no way you can word any suggestion, let alone a complaint, that won't piss him off. I highly recommend you read this book. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 I'm betting you will see a lot of similarities to your husband. I can also hook you up with some support groups if you're interested. Shoot me a message if you want.

by faitswulff   2019-08-24

There's a great book called "Why Does He Do That?" that at some point says that abuse is not a psychiatric illness, but a value system where abusers prioritize their agency over their victims - and furthermore that the psychiatric community was complicit in victim-blaming (excerpt on page 279, look for the bit about Sigmund Freud). I couldn't find a totally apropos quote and I can't find my copy of the book at the moment, but here the author, Lundy Bancroft, addresses the inability to apply a psychiatric label to abuse:

> The basic reference book for psychiatric conditions, the Diagnotic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), includes no condition that fits abusive men well. Some clinicians will stretch one of the definitions to apply it to an abusive client -- "intermittent explosive disorder," for example -- so that the insurance will cover his therapy. However, this diagnosis is erroneous if it is made solely on the basis of his abusive behavior; a man whose destructive behaviors are confined primarily or entirely to intimate relationships is an abuser, not a psychiatric patient.

Another way to think of it is to look at the definition of a mental disorder:

> A mental disorder, also called a mental illness or psychiatric disorder, is a behavioral or mental pattern that causes significant distress or impairment of personal functioning > > - Wikipedia

With abuse, the distress or impairment isn't personal but targets someone else.

Full excerpt: https://books.google.com/books?id=xEZIpu3SVvcC&lpg=PP1&vq=psych&pg=PA39#v=onepage&q=dsm&f=false

Highly recommend the book.

by ILikeNeurons   2019-07-21

If you want to help, you can be a treasure trove of information, so that if she asks for your help, you are ready. Also, be there for her if she needs you.

I would also recommend making observations over passing judgments. For example, "That's a common tactic of abusers" is a plain fact, while "your boyfriend is an abuser" is a judgment that she may feel you are not equipped to make not really knowing the guy. You might bring her this book if you think she might be open to reading it.

Sometimes victims of domestic abuse need affirmation, especially if it's a pattern they've been in. You can tell her what you like about her and that she deserves better.

If she says something like "I don't know what to do," you can ask her how she feels about her options, or if she's tried to lay them all out, or if she'd like your help brainstorming. If she chooses abortion, there is a time limit on that one, and it will depend on where you live, so you can help her by looking things like that up before you meet with her, along with costs, locations, how to make an appointment, and where she can go if she's missed the deadline where she lives. If she seems surprised at how much you know, it's ok to tell her you thought she might want that kind of information given her circumstances (from the sound of her message, it didn't really seem like she wanted the pregnancy).

Ultimately it's her choice, and not really your business. But you can be a sounding board for her and help her think through her options in a nonjudgmental way, if you can manage that.

by otis0042   2019-07-21


by d121212   2019-07-21

I'm a female INTJ and him crying about his love for you makes me worry he's idealizing you. How does he get along with his exes? (you don't have to actually respond, just think about it). If he claims to have had a lot of bad luck and now he's lucky to have you, check this book out - https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 (edit: the catch with these guys is at first everything is awesome. they think you are perfect, but then they realize you have needs and things change. edit again: i think you are asking about this because you see the red flags too.)


But yeah, I can be verbally affectionate and physically affectionate, as long as I feel secure with the person. I can also be pretty awkward about affection at first, or change my mind a bit about how much space I need.

by reddenta   2019-07-21

(1) This book: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

(2) This blog: https://captainawkward.com/

Both were great resources for me, in learning what not to put up with anymore.

by ILikeNeurons   2019-07-21

I'm with you on the fact that he's a rapist and that they shouldn't live with Olivia, but cutting her out their lives just helps him to isolate her, which is exactly what abusers want. Olivia is with an abuser, and she needs support, too. It helps to understand what women in abusive relationships are going through.

by eukomos   2019-01-13

Nonononono that is him being emotionally abusive, not you. That is a textbook example. You are doing normal, social things and he's trying to isolate you from other people who could support you should your relationship with him go south. Everything you're saying in this thread sounds like stuff an emotional abuser would say to you. You're the one who's really emotionally abusive? He's given up his dreams for you? If you leave him he'll have nothing? This is 100% the standard type of thing that an emotionally abusive partner says. It is not you. It's him.

He is probably a good person in some ways and I'm sure has done many positive things for you. I know you love him and that's totally valid. But this is classic emotional abuse. Please talk to someone, maybe a counselor at your school's health center? Make an appointment and just tell them what you've told us. Don't tell him about it, just make the appointment during normal working hours and go by and talk to a professional in person, I also highly recommend the book Why Does He Do That? which is one of the clearest explanations of abusive behavior in a romantic partner I've ever read. Also do not keep that at home where he can see it. I'm really pretty scared for you, please be careful.

by randomhypnosisacct   2019-01-13

> After the dinner date we went back to his place. We were on the couch. Nothing had happened yet, he just had his arm around me. I was a little buzzed off the wine, and he said "I want to show you something."

So he didn't talk to you about hypnotizing you, and get your consent? Did you have a talk about limits and what's okay, and how much control he should have?

> He told me a little more about how he likes to use hypnosis to enhance the bedroom. So as we would text, he would send me images about erotic hypnosis all day. When I wasn't at work, he would send me videos, audios, or we would have hypnotic phone sex.

It sounds like you got into a steady relationship, but he sounds like he likes to push past your limits and uses hypnosis to do so, and is isolating your from your friends, family and work. These are all classic abuser techniques . Do you feel safe in your relationship? Are you able to say no and have him respect that? Does he try to control you or speak for you outside of your sexual relationship?

by allusium   2019-01-13

I’m so sorry that he treated you this way. You didn’t deserve it, no one does.

My therapist recommended that I read this book to understand more about the abuse that my person dished out and the particular tactics that she used to control me. If you Google it, you can find free copies to download.

I hope you’re able to find peace and healing.

by MartyLD   2018-11-10

Recently I read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", an I wanted to share it with everyone.

I think it's one of the most eye-opening books I've ever read. I thought I knew a lot about men and abuse before reading it, but it totally blew my mind and dispelled a lot of misconceptions I had no idea I was holding onto.

I think that men can get just as much out of reading it as women can! So I'd highly recommend anyone check it out if they've never read it.

Link to the book on Lundy's website (2nd book down from top of page): http://lundybancroft.com/books/

Link to the book on Amazon: [https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0425191656)