Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

Category: Relationships
Author: Tracy Schorn
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by newbeginnings1017   2018-11-10

So sorry, man. I know how you're feeling being in a similar boat. The worst for me was when I was awake for 36 hours and had to get sleeping medication to calm me down. There is so much good advice here, especially the response from /u/openingbad. I will leave you with the following tidbits that have helped me, along with some resources that will hopefully help you.

  • The next few weeks and months will be a whirlwind of emotion. Expect highs and lows, and know that they will be normal. How you deal with this time will define how you come out of this.
  • It is so important right now for you to make sure you are looking after yourself and your kids to ensure that basic survival needs are being met. Food, sleep, clothing, shelter, and physical activity.
  • Find your compelling reason for getting up in the morning and tackling the day. For me, my son has been my source of strength when I felt like quitting, and now in staying strong. Find your "why" and use it when you feel like curling up into a ball and not pushing on.
  • Don't believe what your wife says. She is spouting anything and everything that she can to minimise the damage. She doesn't know what the hell she wants right now, and is in no position to be there for you. Maybe she still loves you, but right now you can't count on her. The person you knew is dead and has been replaced with her in the now. This is likely who she always was, so do what you can to come to terms with that.
  • Make sure you are not keeping to yourself and are using your friends and family as support. They will help get you through the trying times ahead. We are also here.
  • You have kids, and it is your responsibility to be the sane parent. You cannot concern yourself with what your wife is doing with the kids unless you feel their wellbeing or safety is in jeopardy. Make sure that you are the sane parent. That means school work is done, they are accountable if they mess up, and that they have a quality time when with you. They will look back on this and be thankful that you were in this corner, and that you modeled strength in hard times.
  • Finally, nothing you could have done would have stopped her from cheating. You'll hear this over and over, but I put it here so you hear it once more. She is broken and if she didn't do it now she would have done it later. These are selfish people who put their needs and desires above others. Be thankful you found out now and aren't going to be wasting any more time with a person like this.
  • You will likely think of all the things you could have done differently, and may even do a bit of the pick me dance to show her that she made a mistake and should be with you. Fuck that. Focus on yourself and your kids. Focus on rebooting your life into one that is good for you and your kids. Trust that she sucks.

You WILL get through this. Below are resources that have helped me and will hopefully help you too in your journey. Best of luck, friend. You are not alone.

Why is a love affair so intoxicating

My Ex Cheated On Me and Left me

How to Get Over Break Ups and Betrayal

How to fix a broken heart

Breakups: How to free yourself from pain

Madea - Let Them Go

"Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Chump Lady

by newbeginnings1017   2018-11-10

Hey man. I actually just posted on your cousin's thread about this and just saw this so I'll follow-up. Basically, as I told your cousin, your STBX is likely going through limerence. She is convinced that she is in love with this other guy she barely knows because her brain is being flooded by the very chemicals that we experience when we are in the infatuation stages of a relationship. It boils down to her being broken on the inside, and she needs to work on that herself. That isn't your problem. Right now, look after yourself. It's going to be a struggle for the next few weeks and months, but I tell everyone that how you handle them will define how you come out of this. Make sure you are handling the basic survival needs: eating, sleeping, getting some sort of physical activity even if it's just walking. Also, make sure you are connecting with friends and family. Lean on them for support as you don't want to go through this alone.

Know that there is NOTHING you could have done to prevent your wife from cheating. Cheaters will say until they are blue in the face that the relationship made them do it. That's bull. The relationship may have contributed to the environment that led to the affair, but ultimately the affair was a series of choices on their part. If she didn't cheat now, she would have cheated later on, even if you guys were blissfully happy. Sucks, but it's the truth. Don't bottle up any emotions, make sure to let them out as it is your body's way of telling you something is wrong. Just find a time and place where you feel safe to do so, and let it out. Cry, scream, punch a pillow, whatever. Just let yourself experience the emotions, and over time it gets better. It's all about time and space. You're early enough in all this that you can potentially anull your marriage given your situation, but talk to a lawyer about that.

The following are resources that have helped me in this situation. The first is a podcast episode that goes into what limerence is. For me it helped understand what my STBX is going through right now as she has left me for the AP. At first I thought she was just crazy, and that I had let her down in the relationship. But I've come to understand that the affair was her choice, and not on my hands. And after hearing this podcast and reading other resources I realised she is experiencing limerence, and nothing I can do will get her out of it. Hopefully it helps you understand the situation better, as it's a mind f*ck of epic proportions. The other resources have also helped me get to where I am today, which is much better than on DDay back in january. I'll say one more thing: find your why. There will be days that you will feel like giving up and just staying home and curling up into a ball and doing nothing. Find your compelling reason for getting through the day. For example, my son is my compelling reason, my "why". Find yours and use it when you feel like giving up. Be thankful that you found out now before you dedicated any more time to this woman and had to deal with a full blown divorce involving splitting assets and child custody. Doesn't discount the pain you are feeling, but in this situation you can make a clean break and reboot your life. Best of luck, friend. It will be hard, but give it time and you will make it out of this. :)

[Podcast]The Three Stages of Being Madly In Love (Limerence) – The Dr. Joe Show Podcast

Why is a love affair so intoxicating

My Ex Cheated On Me and Left me

How to Get Over Break Ups and Betrayal

How to fix a broken heart

Breakups: How to free yourself from pain

Madea - Let Them Go

"Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Chump Lady

by cainbackisdry   2018-11-10

>She's a marriage counselor who literally wrote the book on why affairs happen, the things you deal with when you find out about the affair, and what it takes to repair the marriage and restore trust and intimacy.

If he is a self respectable man, he should read this instead.

[https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0762458968)