Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

Category: Women's Health
Author: Emily Nagoski Ph.D.
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by Criticalthinking346   2021-12-10

Not true at all.... you need to actually read about female sexuality. I would suggest Come as you are

First 80% of men and 15% of women (like me) have what’s called spontaneous sexual desire. Meaning the typical “male” type and social standard. We can easy get aroused just by thinking about sex. We’re not “outliers”. We’re just often shamed into silence for simply being ourselves. 75% of women and 20% of men have what’s called responsive sexual desire. They are very context/environment driven. They need physical stimulation to get aroused. This is the typical “female” type. It is just different than males but actually does not mean women like sex less. Unfortunately this type is not the “norm” in our society so most don’t even know about it.

Also sex isn’t a “drive” it’s more a dual control model . We all have a “gas” and “break” pedal. Men tend to be more sensitive to the gas and women the breaks. Read the book for more on this.

I have sex daily because I have spontaneous desire and nothing is hitting my breaks in my marriage (and hasn’t been for years).

by Criticalthinking346   2021-12-10

Wow, that’s not been my experience at all, been with hubs 16 years still extremely sexual. The only time sex wasn’t big on my list was before I found out what an orgasm felt like. However I believe it has more to do with sexual desire types than being married or having kids. Most (75%) of women have responsive sexual desire and some (15%) of us have spontaneous desire (the last 10% have no desire). For men it’s 80% spontaneous and 20% responsive.

You should read come as you are it’s the best book on female sexuality out there, and helps give tips on making the differences work. Unfortunately from what I read on Reddit (in dead bedrooms) sexual desire mis-matches can really undermine a marriage and lead to divorce. Not saying that’s your issue but if your friends are going through this it could help them.

by vintagesauce   2021-12-10

The way we view libido is very odd, and for women, it's usually based in using the male libido as our baseline.

This is a good view of women's libido and sexual response. I love this book so much:

by Criticalthinking346   2019-11-17

Honestly I don’t even know where to start. All those beliefs aren’t in anyway based of truth or science. How here are some of my “thoughts”.....

  1. Women are actual people just like me are. We also enjoy sex a lot. Our desire and arousal is different but we are what’s referred to as homogeneous. We actually have the same reproductive equipment it’s just arranged differently. If you actually want to learn about women’s sexuality (and not just a bunch of bullshit made up to make a group of men feel better about themselves by making others smaller) I would suggest reading come as you are. It’s the best book in female sexuality based of actual research.

  2. Penises aren’t powerful. Meaning they don’t have the power to change the woman’s vulva. It does not matter if she slept with 1 or 100 people. Just think about it, it literally births people but some dick is going to wear it out?? Does the vulva wear out penises? No, and we have the same parts just arranged differently. Our clitoris is what would have been a penis, our out labia is literally made of the same material as your ballsack.

  3. Women love sex, I like 15% of females and 80% of males, have spontaneous sexual desire. I love, love, love sex. My husband and I have a great sex life and he never has to earn it.

  4. Man you’ve been brainwashed and sound like you really might consider therapy.

Edited to add: the myths of a sentient beings worth being reduced due to engaging in a national biological act or that this act, that its body evolved to do, changes the make up of it is disgusting. How could any group look at another and reduced they’re immeasurable worth, it’s fucked. Seriously my husband has plowed me more than Chicago in winter but my worth is still immeasurable and my vulva remains unchanged... fuck up shit....

by sponge_cat   2019-11-17

I wanted to recommend Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are." This book has very little to do with trauma, specifically - but I still found it very, very useful in approaching issues around sex, libido, desire, etc. with my wife.

I found the book when I was trying to better understand her own "desire" and approach to sex, and I ended up learning a considerable amount about her and my own sexual "assumptions" and preconceptions. It was very useful for me, and it could potentially illuminate things for you and your partner, as well.

It has a lot of worksheets and activities that you should consider approaching together, too, if you think your partner would be "game" to read/discuss/and explore this with you as well.

by Criticalthinking346   2019-11-17

You need to read come as you are and learn some actual shit about female sexuality based off science.

by yurt-dweller   2019-11-17

Pour les anglophones, ou les anglo-liseurs en tout cas, je ne peux que recommander la lecture de Come as you are, de Emily Nagosky.

Le bouquin peut avoir un aspect rebutant parce que, en bon best-seller US, il fait la part belle, sur la forme, au scientisme et à la recette miracle.

Mais franchement il m'a ouvert les yeux sur beaucoup de chose sur le fonctionnement du désir et de la libido, en particulier féminine, et sur les tenants et aboutissants de la semi- "dead bedroom" dans laquelle je me débats avec ma copine depuis plusieurs années.

Si tu es une nana qui n'arrive pas à jouir, un mec qui se demande pourquoi sa nana n'arrive pas à jouir, si tu ne comprends pas pourquoi ton partenaire n'a jamais envie quoi que tu fasses, si tu culpabilises d'avoir moins de désir que ton partenaire, si tu veux juste comprendre comment fonctionne ton cerveau / ton désir... lis Emily Nagosky !

[EDIT] : Mais pourquoi il n'est as encore traduit en français!?

by Criticalthinking346   2019-11-17

You should also read come as you are

Your statements seem more shaming her for having responsive sexual arousal when in fact75% of women do. So it sounds like your shaming her by saying her natural type is wrong because it’s not like the mostly male spontaneous type.

by Cest_la_Fille   2019-08-24

You and your husband should both read the book Come as You Are. There could be a hormone issue, or you may just have responsive desire.

As far as lowering your inhibitions without relying on alcohol, check into CBD oil. It doesn't get you high, or make you mentally addled at all, but it does relax you.

If the sounds of sex squick you out enough to lower your enjoyment, it might be time look into some therapy. This is something that you can learn to be okay with.

by TechReader01   2019-08-24

I might recommend one of the books in the sidebar,

If she can learn to enjoy sex, that would be a win for both of you.

by SensitiveNerve   2019-08-24

As a recovering addict myself, I agree that your wife is using drinking as a coping mechanism to avoid difficult feelings. This makes it at least a problem, and at worst an addiction. Sex aside, the biggest thing she can do in terms of finding long-term happiness is work on her drinking. A great no-nonsense place to start is the book Recovery by Russell Brand.

In terms of sex, I think the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski would be a great help to you and her, better understanding how her arousal pattern works. (Check out this comic about it, it's a good intro.)

> when she’s sober it’s “harder to let go.”

Like a lot of people, it sounds like your wife has what's called a 'dual control model' of sexual arousal, which is like gas and brake. Some people (maybe including you) can basically just step on the accelerator at a moments notice and get to the right RPM easily. For others, and especially many women, there can be a foot on the gas AND a foot on the brake, in the form of anything stressing them out (the house is a mess, my mom keeps texting me, the kid broke the thing, my husband hates our sex life and is going to leave me, etc.) As you learn more about it, you can get a better idea of what is making it hard to let go, and some real-world strategies on how to help with that.

Another life-changing idea in the book is responsive desire, which may have something to do with why your wife struggles with foreplay.

by pyrovoice   2019-07-21

You might want to read this book, it has a surprising amount of information.

by ceebee6   2019-07-21

Also check out Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It's a really good look into female sexuality and deals with the exact issues you're describing.

by Criticalthinking346   2019-07-21

You both should read come as you are it could be life changing for her. It will explain the dual control model of sexuality. In it talks about the fact that everyone has a “gas” petal and “break” petal. Men are generally more sensitive to the gas and women the breaks. There are also two different desire types “spontaneous” (80% of men have this, 15 % of women) and “responsive” (70% of women and 20% of men). It will give good advice on how to make the two types work together.

by Criticalthinking346   2019-07-21

Women actually only have 10% concordance when it comes to physical arousal lining up with mental arousal. Men are at 50%. Meaning women will only have a physical reaction 10% of the times she is aroused. Men have a 50/50 shot. We’re actually all made of the same stuff just arranged differently and I believe you should read come as you are if you haven’t. I disagree with the they’re just like you statements because you’re only half right

by Criticalthinking346   2019-07-21

We have sex 1-2x a day. But that is no where near the norm. Most people have sex 1-2 week or even month. I (39f) and my hubs (38m) have been together 15 years. In those years it has varied greatly. Yet we both have very sensitive sexual accelerators (read come as you are it’s a great book), Most people don’t. Read the book and it will give you more insight into the dual control model of human sexuality and can help.

by Criticalthinking346   2019-07-21

I am almost 40, I do NOTHING if I am not enjoying it. What concerning here is that it seems for all the feminism going on here no one has seemed to have read come as you are . An actual researched book on female sexuality. If they had they would understand our sexuality better. There is nothing wrong with a loving healthy sex life.

by SeaRegion   2019-07-21

hehe, sure thing - these are hard won victories that took me a few years to figure out...hoping this helps you get past this difficulty as soon as possible. If you're the reading type, I'd suggest this book - it's all about understanding a woman's sexuality and how it ticks.

by Criticalthinking346   2019-07-21

Believe it or not the new sexuality research coming out is actually disproving the “hormones” control desire myth. They actually have nothing to do with sexual desire. Read come as you are, it is life changing

Edited for clarification

by DesignerInTheCode   2019-01-13

First off, everyone is different. Every vulva and vagina is wired up a little differently. There are different concentrations of nerve endings in the perineum, vagina, and clitoris. Different techniques and things are gonna feel better to some than they do to others simply because of how you are individually wired up.

Second, we all have different acceleration and brake speeds. Accellerators are like turn-ons that get you going. But turn-offs or brakes come in two major groups: hand brake (like a constant drag) and a foot brake (stop right now). These things can be really sensitive for some and really insensitive for others creating different rates of arousal. They also work in combination where if you have some of your brakes on despite having lots of exciting accelerators, then there is gonna be a slower ramp up than if all your brakes were off. Things as simple as stress can be huge brakes for people. The goal is to turn all of the offs off and all of the ons on.

Third, physical reaction does not correlate with sexual desire or arousal. It is entirely possible for you to be really turned on and ready to go but not super wet. It is also possible for you to have an orgasm and not enjoy it or have no orgasm and still really enjoy it. Mostly what our body is saying is this is sexually relevant. But it has nothing to do with how you feel.

Fourth, a lot of sex is learned repetitive behavior. If you've had a lot of sex with masturbation or penetration, your body may be used encountering sex in that form. It may not react the same when you encounter it in other forms. The good news is you can retrain your body to respond in a way you desire through repetitive action to retrain.

Fifth, a lot of emotional stuff can interact with how your body and mind relate to sex. Shame around sex can be pretty common and may come up in strange areas you didn't expect. If something is off, it could be possible you have something from your past affecting things.

Sixth, sexual, romantic, and emotional attractions are all separate spectrums that are aligned for some but not for others. If you like having sex with men but enjoy being in relationships with women that is totally cool. It is also okay for this to shift as your understanding changes or as you grow.

Finally, this all just adds to understanding your own body and how it works. Because it is unique comparing to others may be less effective than exploring to figure out what is best for you. It is entirely okay for you to be however you are and is not necessarily an indicator of your sexuality. That comes from your feelings. This stuff can be tricky so just try to be gentle with yourself.

If you are interested in more info here are some resources:

Vagina by Naomi Wolf Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski Girl Sex 101 by Alison Moon and KD Diamond Sexplanations YouTube channel and podcast by Dr. Lindsey Doe