Victims of CSA are so often trapped in a conflict between wanting get free of the downline upshots (like anxiety and paranoid distrust) but -- because of their paranoia & distrust of anyone but those they can control (like their children) -- refusing to get professional help and running around in circles of Learned Helplessness & Victim Identity with spouses and children who then develop cases of it themselves on the survivor's Karpman Drama Triangle. (This is my dear multiply molested cousin, and the upshots of it have been truly horrible for her two children.)
While it's true that the survivor is not responsible for her illness, she -- and she alone -- is responsible for her recovery from it. But enabling her to avoid that by staying on her Drama Triangle as her "rescuer" -- which helps her to continue to see herself as "the helpless victim" -- can reliably be expected to prevent her from so doing.
You may need to get into some CoDA meetings and CoDA's "big blue book" to find some support, as well as conceptual empowerment. And because of how your father was instrumental in her repetition of the original trauma, some ACA meetings and ACA's "big red book," as well.
Hmm. Well. Let's try two approaches:
One is what seems to be the upshot of having been conditioned, instructed, socialized, habituated, and normalized to experiencing shame when revealing yourself to others.
The other, for somewhat similar reasons -- like having been conditioned, instructed, socialized, habituated, and normalized to psychological boundary diffusion or disruption -- may be (we do not diagnose here) this stuff which can lead to excessive concern with others' approval.
For the former, may I suggest reading the following?
Books on Shame & Recovery Therefrom
Recovering from Shame
And for the latter...
Better Books on Codependency and Related Topics, as well as...
CoDA meetings and CoDA's "big blue book"
A codependent losing a relationship is pretty much like a drug addict in withdrawal. Pretty much every emotion the drug was masking off from awareness is now In Your Face. (Feh.) But... I can tell you that by going to CoDA meetings, getting a sponsor and CoDA's "big blue book," and then working the 12 Steps of CoDA with that sponsor -- as well as using this stuff in CoDA's Steps 10 & 11 -- I rarely get into such dependencies anymore, nor have to suffer such extreme withdrawal when they end.
It took a while to get from where I was (& where it sounds like you are right now) to where I am now -- which is not quite "Emotionally Bulletproof?" (in my reply on this thread) -- but I just kept at it, and here I am. You can do it too, if you move from stage three into stage four of the five stages of therapeutic recovery and buckle your seatbelt.
Trying to manage codependency all by oneself is about like trying to empty the water out of the "Titanic" with a Starbucks cup. So... may I suggest some help:
The lyrics while listening to Alanis Morrissette's "Precious Illusions," and "Death of Cinderella" just to see what comes up in your mind
Associating Abuse with Safety & Security
Why We Get so Desperate for Connection (in not-moses's replies to the OP on that thread)
The Patterns & Characteristics of Codependence on the Codependents Anonymous website so that you know exactly where your "buttons" are
Facing the Facts about Sex, Love & Romance in Our Time in ProcessFiend's replies to the OP on that thread. (Be sure to click on all the links therein to get the complete picture.)
Suggested reading while observing your mental and emotional reactions to the concepts therein: Facing the Facts about Sex, Love & Romance in Our Time in ProcessFiend's replies to the OP on that thread. (Be sure to click on all the links therein to get the complete picture.)
And if you have strong reactions...
CoDA meetings and CoDA's "big blue book," looking for a sponsor and then working their 12 Steps (there are meetings online, btw; use their website to find them).
Hmm. I may be wrong, but since it sounds like you're way into stage two of the five stages of therapeutic recovery on the verge of hitting stage three, may I suggest some reading?
Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief processing
Practicing a consciousness raiser / thought questioner / emotion digester like the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing so that one is able to continue to sense what is actually going on and intuitively know what to do about it
Sternberg's Nine Kinds of Love to see (with those 10 StEPs) where one actually is in those kinds vs. where one would like to be
The Karpman Drama Triangle
"Love is being with what IS in relationship."
Better Books on Codependency and Related Topics
May I suggest starting with "HOW," the 5 Stages & the 10 StEPs in u/ProcessFiend's reply to the OP on that thread because you're already well into that process? And then examining that material at the links below in the manner described at the link above? (Just let the ideas through the door without trying to do anything about them.)
Understand the Drama Triangle... (NOT diagnosing, just saying that many (most?) CoDep's have a few abuse-installed BPD traits... which often becomes obvious reading this article.)
CoDA meetings and CoDA's "big blue book
Understand the Drama Triangle... (NOT diagnosing, just saying that many (most?) CoDep's have a few abuse-installed BPD traits... which often becomes obvious either reading this article or attending as many CoDA meetings as I have since 1990.)
Should we try to Rescue those who Don't Really Want to Be?
Melody Beattie's books are fine starting points for minds new to the topic. CoDA's "big blue book is also a good place to start. Once one has sufficient grounding, books like these usually become edifying and useful.
Will I ever Get Over being Codependent? in not-moses's reply to the OP on that reddit thread.
> how can I be sure if this is a codependent thing?
See what you think after reading this and the material at the links there: Facing the Facts about Sex, Love & Romance in Our Time in ProcessFiend's reply to the OP on that thread. (Be sure to click on all the links therein to get the complete picture.)
> what can I do to help myself?
Here are some suggested activities:
How do I fix my FIX?
It sounds like it's possible that your mind may have been conditioned, instructed, socialized and normalized to willingly but unconsciously Tolerate Abuse (in not-moses's reply on that earlier thread). Would you be willing to have a look at this to see where your "buttons" may be?
If so doing reveals such conditioning, may I suggest reading the following?
Facing the Facts about Sex, Love & Romance in Our Time in ProcessFiend's reply to the OP on that thread. (Be sure to click on all the links therein to get the complete picture.)