Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Category: Christian Living
Author: Henry Cloud, John Townsend
This Month Reddit 3


by ytayta   2019-11-17

NTA. Move out, then worry about your loans. Doesn't sound like this is going to work any other way.

I've got a recommended read for you: it's got some religious elements, but those can be overlooked in favor of the common sense messages it shares.

by DoersOfTheWord   2019-11-17

My advice. Read this short story by William Faulkner. Then pick up a copy of Boundaries. Pray. Lean on the Lord and your church family for help.

by SaveThyme   2019-11-17

You and your mom are obviously seeing ADHD from two different sides. You will never regret taking control of your life and being an adult.


It sounds like there might have developed some codependency as well in your relationship. Codependency can appear in any relationship when one person tries to push back the boundaries of another person. Your mom has tried to help you and obviously wants the best for you, but in the process has pushed back your freedom in what you eat/ don't eat, what supplements you have to remember to take, and hours of your time with specialists and therapy.


ADHD is simultaneously over-prescribed and under prescribed and mixed in with a belief of personal failure makes a complicated mess. Your decision to seek professional medical help, should be, separate from your relationship with your mom. Unfortunately the two are intertwined and it is your task to separate taking control/care of yourself with your relationship with your mom, because she can not see the difference.


You may never win your parents over to see medication as transforming you to the best version of yourself. Your mom may continue to look for an "organic" cure, and that's 'okay' that is who she is and you can not change her. But with proper medication and good strategies you can remember the tasks, close the garage, and listen better.


You are not responsible for her happiness. Take care of you. Know yourself.


ps Boundaries is a great book if you see codependency as an issue, it continues to help me every day.

by momentsofnicole   2019-07-21

You're welcome ��

I recommend reading the Bible as a whole too. I'm currently reading the whole thing this year chronologically. It is helpful to be aware of what the Bible actually says versus just someone's interpretation.

Edit to add Amazon link Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (I support World Vision with Amazon Smile)

by momentsofnicole   2019-07-21

I lurk here for advice on how to deal with people in my life.
My atheist friend described us "Christian folk" (such a cute title) as bad with boundaries. It is very true.

The Boundaries book was really helpful to me and remains so.

When I mention my work in trying to build better boundaries, my Mom will say it sounds cold. �� Christians generally want to be loving to everyone and narcs can easily use that to manipulate.

Edit to add Amazon link Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (I support World Vision with Amazon Smile)

by anti0pe   2019-07-21

this book will help. Read and apply it.

Short answer, be consistent. Start with setting a new expectation. “Baby, I love you and our relationship rocks. There’s one thing that’s been getting on my nerves, though. [insert explanation about him eating faster then you and therefore getting more food even when you split the bill]. I’d like us to agree on 50/50 from now on, or simply to order two separate orders if you feel like you’re going to still be hungry. Does that work for you?” Get his agreement and understanding, then stick to it. Refer to the conversation if he starts to beg. “Remember baby, we talked about this. Just because I eat less food then you at once doesn’t mean I won’t eat it later and I really look forward to leftovers. Do you want to order something else?”

by SillyToni   2019-01-13

I'm trying to write a comment but it hurts too much to try to put this into words.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. A father is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the home and what you experienced is so twisted and damaging. I can't adequately express my sorrow over what I just read.

The worst thing about this is our relationship with our earthly father will color the way we see God for the rest of our lives. Unless we regularly replace our thinking from what we experienced with truth from God's word we will forever feel from God what our fathers caused us to feel.

There is a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Townsend that I would recommend to you. It talks about healthy ways to deal with difficult people in our lives that cause you pain.

I don't know how to answer your question about honoring. But you do need to forgive him and try to look for the good in him and honor that. Your father is a sinner created in the image of God but broken. Maybe some day you can see the good in him. I don't know.

by RoarEatSleep   2019-01-13

I really like the book boundaries . It changes the way you think about and act in relationships. It’s all logical, but if you’ve never thought about your relationship that way it’s a new way of doing things.

You are an adult. You get to choose how your mother treats you and interacts in your life. Draw some firm boundaries there and if she can’t abide them she will have consequences.

People with no boundaries and people with boundaries that are to intense suffer. You need to find the middle. So, for instance, if you don’t want her to kiss baby then say ‘it’s flu season and I’m not comfortable with you kissing baby. If you do kiss him, I’m going to have to hold him or put him in his swing’...and then do that. If she’s speaking about you in a disparaging way (your mom is being silly. Who raised her. Etc) calmly say that you are this child’s mother and you will raise this child according to your own guidelines, just like she got to raise her kids according to hers. If she can’t respect that, then maybe it’s best for her to leave and come back another time when she can respect your rules.

Be kind, but firm. It’s great practice because when baby is 2/3 you will get to do lots of work establishing and maintaining boundaries.

by MiniDeflector   2019-01-13

A few months ago my narcissistic mother and I got into it. It didn’t involve religion like with your mom, but basically who she is a person and how she’s affected me growing up. I felt like shit for a while. I felt really guilty. “She is my mother after all.” I held off on acting on my guilty feelings and it’s been radio silence for a few months. I feel better than ever. She was constantly adding to my stress and anxiety and it has lessened over time. I think you should take a break from each other. I highly recommend this book. It was eye opening and life changing for me. When you resume contact set firm boundaries and follow through with consequences for breaking your boundaries. Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean she can disregard your boundaries.