Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Author: Melody Beattie
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by YourTherapistSays   2019-07-21

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by nagz_   2019-07-21

A few things I've learned that help...


1.) Get a therapist, check your insurances coverage first.

- After that you can find some that specialize in what you need, email a few to see if it would be a good fit for you. This website (Psychology Today) is like a google search for mental health help.

2.) Focus on self love and self care make a morning, nightly, and weekly routine. Commit to having "me time." This is just like making sure you have three meals a day.

- Make a special day/night for yourself once a week. Think if you were going on a date with your crush and all of the things you would do to make it so special, but that date is with yourself!

3.) Read Codependent No More

4.) The more you work on yourself, the better you can empower others by just your own [radiant] positivity; by this you are prioritizing your needs first always.

- This is a personal belief I have found through everyone from athletics to artists. I've learned the most in life from people who have improved their own situation to the fullest, and they never stop!

5.) Strictly only be friends with people that support you!

6.) Read You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

- It's saved my life! Some of it is a little funny but just look at the overall message of what she's trying to say.


*I'm going through exactly what you are night now and it feels like you will never get out of the cycle, but you will! It takes a lot of time and pure commitment and belief that you will get better!


Much love to you! ❤️

by casualcolloquialism   2019-07-21

Your dad acted like a jerk and it sounds like he acts like a jerk a lot. I grew up pretty damn conservative and I gotta tell you, I don't think this is because he's conservative. I think he's a jerk.

Not sure if this will apply to you at all or not, but part of disengaging from my conservative family involved learning more about codependency. I discovered that I had spent my whole life trying to make sure that others around me were happy at the expense of my own mental health and well-being. I really recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie to learn more about this. It was literally a life-changing book for me, and it might help you build some coping skills to deal with your dad.

by jkgibson1125   2019-07-21

Dragon you aren't a moron.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. It sounds like you have your life wrapped up in this woman. I am sorry that the person that you have invested so much into has treated you so badly.

While you may believe that your love is unique, she doesn't share the belief. It may also be contributing to her affairs because she may be thinking that no matter what she does you aren't going to leave her and you will forgive her. This is the ultimate is selfishness and self-centeredness when you will allow someone to debase you to such a level and then continue to despise you to the point of doing the same soul destroying action 2 more times.

I would like you to look into this book.

Codependent No More

It really sounds that you have lost yourself to this person. This is not how a healthy relationship is supposed to work. You need to find where you begin and she ends and right now I don't think you know where that is.

What she has done is devastating, it's not deserved and you are feeling all the pain, anxiety, insecurity, of this betrayal and what is worse is she chose to do this knowing what it did before.

You need to take care of yourself while you are going through this:

Make sure that you are eating and getting nutrition. If you find having meals hard, then go out and purchase meal replacement shakes and meal replacement bars and force yourself to consume them.

Make sure that you are drinking liquids. STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL. Drink water, broths, tea. You need to make sure that you are getting enough liquid.

Finally I know this is probably the hardest, you need to sleep. Go out and pickup Melatonin capsules 5mg take one before bed and they will help the sleep. You may even need to approach your doctor about something to help out with this but you need to rest.

Keep posting and writing here. Ask questions, Read other posts so you can see a lot of different situations. Most of all know you aren't alone.

by jkgibson1125   2019-07-21

The woman is not remorseful. What you have is what we term regret. She is regrets getting caught.

Here are 15 actions and attitudes that were published by a therapist who deals with couples healing from infidelity. These are actions that the cheating spouse must be doing in order for you to have security in the current relationship:

Those who want to heal their spouses and relationship are:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

So go through this and be honest with yourself. I look at what you wrote and I don't see her doing any of these things.

I think you only have very little of the truth here. I believe it was full on physical affair. I would highly suggest you get the book Co-Dependent no more, because of your inability to leave her due to her emotional manipulations.

by jkgibson1125   2019-07-21

You are not an idiot. But I do think you may have some issues with codependency.

You really need to detach from her. She is unhealthy. She calls you because she knows you care and you will be her white knight. Detaching from her will help you.

by oldschool54   2019-07-21

by ladrm   2019-07-21

Well this one for starters:

by Derparita   2018-03-19

I have a book I'd like you to read. It's called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It was suggested to me by my ex's therapist, when I joined him in a therapy session and ended up sobbing. It helped me see things from a different perspective and gave me strength I didn't know I had. The book drastically improved my life and it only took a few days to read. Here it is on Amazon . I was skeptical at first because:

1) I had never read a self-help book before and had honestly zero faith that it would help anything.


2) The cover of the book made me defensive because it says something about controlling others.

But, read it. It all makes sense once you get into it, and I really think your situation will hugely improve if you do. It's just a book, so worst case scenario, you don't gain anything from it but another book to add to the list of books you've read. Best case scenario, your life is changed for the better.

Here it is on Overdrive, you can see if it is available at your local library or even in e-book form.

Edit Actually, I found the e-book online for free (actually it is a free 4-title bundle of her books, but it includes the one I am recommending) so I downloaded it to my Dropbox account. I'll PM you the link so you can just click the link and read it. If anyone else wants to read the book, PM me and I'll send you the link too.

by disbelief12   2018-03-19

Your mom is too involved in your personal business.

Full stop.

There is so much about your post that raises red flags, and I totally understand that you have a hard time seeing them. But really -- your mom is allowed to feel disappointed that you made a few mistakes (which are yours to make, btw -- it's your life), but she has gone off the deep end. It is entirely inappropriate for her to come at you in the way you describe. About your decisions, about your new partner, and about your choice of career. NONE OF THIS is appropriate.

My Nmom (and yours too, it seems) had a narrative about me, and she derived a lot of satisfaction from pressuring me to stay in that box. One step outside that box and the gloves would come off. Normal parents don't behave like this. They see their children as separate people. They want to see them make good choices, sure, but they don't shit all over your choices in an effort to make you conform to some narrative.

I see a lot of myself in your post -- I am long married to a (good) person who my Nmom always disparaged. I too have written about interactions with my Nmom in which I have been overly generous with how she is behaving toward me (as you are doing in this story -- her behavior is actually abhorrent and she owes you a massive apology). I second all of the recommendations for therapy because it will help you recalibrate your sense of normalcy in a parent-child relationship (and adult child at that). I would also encourage you to take break from talking to her if she can't treat you with respect, or at the very least, not bring up this topic ever again. You deserve that much. (You actually deserve much more, but this is the bare minimum.)

I wish you all the best. I think you may also benefit from reading about codependence -- Codependent No More is a good place to start. It's focused on codependence as it relates to alcoholism, but generalizes easily to the dynamic between ACoNs and their N(s).

by VirginiaStepMonster   2017-12-06

While I could understand a partner's reluctance to want to be in a relationship that still involved their ex, this particular partner also accused you of being out "looking single" while having dinner with your son.

Your fiancé is not a reasonable person. He manipulates you, guilts you, screams at you. And he talks about you negatively behind your back. Please take a look at the links I posted on your prior submission:

>1. Have a look at this chart and see where your relationship falls into it.

>2. Check out CoDA and see if there are any groups in your area. If you are in a large metropolitan area, there will probably be a few. Often times you'll find CoDA groups using the same facilities as AA and NA groups.

>3. Check out Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go by author Melody Beattie. These books were instrumental in helping me to recognize my own issues and codependency in a very abusive relationship.

by VirginiaStepMonster   2017-12-06

Hi there, not the person you replied to, but I wanted to give you a couple of links.

  1. Have a look at this chart and see where your relationship falls into it.

  2. Check out CoDA and see if there are any groups in your area. If you are in a large metropolitan area, there will probably be a few. Often times you'll find CoDA groups using the same facilities as AA and NA groups.

  3. Check out Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go by author Melody Beattie. These books were instrumental in helping me to recognize my own issues and codependency in a very abusive relationship.

by otitropanit   2017-12-06

Sounds like you have a really good grasp on healthy boundaries for you and your family. Stick with those.

The trouble with those boundaries is that addicts and people that enable addicts or who are codependent (sometimes that is one and the same) do NOT like boundaries because they are inconvenient to what they are trying to accomplish..

In an addict's world (an addict who is not working a recovery/sobriety program), everything must revolve around them and getting their drug of choice. In an enablers world, everything must revolve around the addict because if everything is just perfect, the addict will suddenly be healthy and normal again!, or at least that's what the codependent person thinks.

If you haven't ever struggled with being codependent, I cannot reiterate that last sentence enough. They feel powerless but with a strong desire to fix this person, so they cling to the hope that by fixating on all of the details and variables surrounding the addict, they can somehow make the addict better.

People spend their life living this way. It took me about 3 years to finally understand that nothing I did, no variables or circumstances I controlled or enabled would make my addict (now ex) sober and staying sober. I went to meetings where people were decades into marriage and still struggling with this idea.

This got long, but I wanted to explain WHY your parents and her husband are so mad and will continue to be so mad at you when you stick to your boundaries: you aren't holding all of the pieces in all of the right places and at the right angles and so now your sister's recovery might not work!, according to them.

STICK WITH YOUR BOUNDARIES. The thing about protecting your family and yourself from really unhealthy behavior is that it might upset people. The good news is that they can feel any way they like, and you are not responsible.

If you haven't, check out these two books: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself and Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life . Sounds like your parents/her husband need them, but it will be good for you to read and have talking points from them. Those two books were lifesavers for me.

by donniedarko76   2017-12-06

It sounds like your husband is an alcoholic and used the message of grace to resume drinking . Alcoholics can be very abusive and sinful. Alcohol will eventually make him miserable and completely destroy him. I know first hand. I wouldn't envy him.

I'm sorry you lost relationship but it's better for your kids and you if he's not around. I would urge you get counseling or at least reading Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More . It's a book about taking care of yourself and dealing with people like your ex-husband. God loves you and will help you through this. Keep going to church and talk to your pastor.

by otitropanit   2017-12-06

This sounds a lot like triangulation, where he is keeping you hanging on by a thread, but second place behind his gf, but expecting from you what he can't and won't give in return: that you be at his beckon call.

It's pretty typical. And it's pretty typical on the receiving end to feel hurt. That's kind of the point.

Check out this book: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself . It will be a solid start.

by greychuck   2017-12-06

Highly recommend Codependent No More if you have never read it, great book for the non-addicted partner in a relationship harmed by addiction.

Highly recommend Al-anon.

These resources are a starting point to help you take back some control of the only thing you can control: your own decisions. You know how you want him to stop making excuses and attack his addiction with real treatment? You need to do the same, attack your acceptance of this and your coping strategies that seek to pick up the slack, enable, smooth things over, negotiate, etc.

You owe it to your child and yourself to work on these issues regardless of what he does. You can't negotiate him into change, you can't force him to change, you can't control things enough to make him change, you can't make change easy enough to where he magically changes. The only thing you can control is you, and that's scary and hard enough.

by seeds_of_change_TA   2017-08-19

yep, that's called codependency. It's okay, I'd much rather be codependent than cluster B! But you need to address it. I firmly believe that we can't be all that healthy to put up with someone with BPD for any length of time.

Here is a great resource to get you started: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by need_CF_advice   2017-08-19

> The problem is my STBX is a great guy when sober

Famous last words. Millions of us have been there. I've been there. If only he would stop drinking so much, our life could be so beautiful...

I made excuse after excuse after excuse for years. He became really good at making me feel sorry for him, buying him more time. I hung on to every little shred of hope. "He only drank 3 nights this week!" and I'd set myself up to be disappointed yet again when he got HAMMERED 6 nights in a row the next week.

Life with an alcoholic is depressing, chaotic, unpredictable, miserable. It will not get better. And the worst part is that children growing up with an alcoholic parent end up with all kinds of emotional problems (I know this from personal experience as well).

Check out r/alanon for some help. Also the following books were extremely helpful for me:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself - This is great for learning how to distance yourself from the alcoholic's destructive behavior when you're unwilling / unable to remove yourself from them. While I was still with my STBX, it helped me learn how to detach from his behavior in a loving way.

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work - This book helped me evaluate why I wanted to be with someone who made my life so miserable. It guides you to take a look at your relationship and help you decide if it's worth keeping it alive. It does NOT encourage you to leave your spouse; rather it helps you weight the pros and cons of leaving or staying, and helps you make an informed decision that you can be comfortable with.

by need_CF_advice   2017-08-19

I've been right there with ya girl. I was in the same boat for several months after leaving. Always worried about him, obsessed about whether he would improve in the future, and finding myself intervening in his negative / self-destructive actions and thought patterns. All of this only serves to enable him and drive yourself crazy.

This book really helped me learn how to "lovingly detach"; I think it will be extra crucial for you because you have kids you'll have to keep raising with this person: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

It can help you learn to maintain a loving relationship with someone who has issues (like addiction / alcoholism) without compromising your own boundaries and peace.

by brother_bean   2017-08-19

For everyone in this thread who identifies with being a needy person. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with you. You are okay. You don't need anyone else to fix this for you. You can have healthy relationships, and you can overcome the anxiety and neediness that you are recognizing. You have some work to do, though!

If you genuinely want to fix this issue, a good place to start your journey would be here:

I found that book on my own and it's been such a huge help. And my counselor has it on his shelf, too, if that means something to you.