Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Category: Relationships
Author: Melody Beattie
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Comments

by snakeplantselma   2019-11-17

You are being made into an enabler/co-dependent and you need to stop. Today. Your only duty right now is to yourself, getting through school and starting your life as an independent adult. Until your life is where you want it to be, you really can't fix somebody else's life and it's so very wrong of your parents to tell you otherwise.

The thing about enablers is that they think they are being kind and helpful and that their efforts, in spite of how much it takes away from themselves, can "fix" whatever is wrong with the other person. You can't fix her. Only she can fix her. If she cannot afford to go somewhere, instead of buying her a ticket tell her that you will go with her to put in applications at jobs. If she refuses? Guess what, that's on her. There is a big difference in being supportive and enabling - the former is mutually beneficial, the latter is one sided at your own expense. There is a good book called Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself that just within the first few pages can allow you to see how you have no control over others. You are young, your parents are setting you up for a lifetime of ignoring your own needs at the expense of others. And once that mindset is there you'll face the same thing with bosses, spouses, children... You cannot fix someone who does not want to be fixed. You can only help to lead them to the proper support and if they choose not to partake, your work is done. Family or not.

by stuffedtacos   2019-11-17

Absolutely this! The following book helped me so much. I was extremely codependent and acted out because of it. It nearly ruined my life completely. I've taken the steps outlined in this book along with a lot of therapy and reading any information I could find on the subject and actually applying it to my life and the changes are astonishing. Feel free to DM me if you ever want to discuss this.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_aAO.Cb246V1E4

by stuffedtacos   2019-11-17

Also this one:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_aAO.Cb246V1E4

by BaesicDogGirl   2019-11-17

I’ve been there so I completely get what you’re going through. It’s incredibly difficult. Keep your head up and you can get through it :)

I am sorry to hear about your job and health insurance, but glad you have access to group therapy. In the meantime, check out Codependent No More.

by QueasyOrchid   2019-11-17

I know it’s depression and not alcoholism, but I’ve found this really helpful in my life and it may help you too: https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf

I’d strongly recommend reading the book “codependent no more” https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

by ReefMasterr   2019-08-24

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=co+dependant+no+more+melody+beattie&qid=1559106902&s=gateway&sprefix=co+d&sr=8-2 Here's the Amazon link. It's also available on Kindle, nook, audible, and Google play books.

by snakeplantselma   2019-08-24

The child of an alcoholic... you're primed to be a codependent. I recommend the book Codependent No More, How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. It's excellent for SOs of alcoholics, workaholics, all-the-holics. You can't control her behavior, but you also don't have to allow you being controlled by it.

by tinytrolldancer   2019-08-24

I hope this is allowed, here are a few links that can give you further information.

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https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

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https://medium.com/@blptaylor/is-your-normal-meter-broken-23d8893dd5bb

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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201608/the-destructive-force-narcissistic-injury

by YourTherapistSays   2019-07-21

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_1NNUCbHRNAKFT

by nagz_   2019-07-21

A few things I've learned that help...

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1.) Get a therapist, check your insurances coverage first.

- After that you can find some that specialize in what you need, email a few to see if it would be a good fit for you. This website (Psychology Today) is like a google search for mental health help.

2.) Focus on self love and self care make a morning, nightly, and weekly routine. Commit to having "me time." This is just like making sure you have three meals a day.

- Make a special day/night for yourself once a week. Think if you were going on a date with your crush and all of the things you would do to make it so special, but that date is with yourself!

3.) Read Codependent No More

4.) The more you work on yourself, the better you can empower others by just your own [radiant] positivity; by this you are prioritizing your needs first always.

- This is a personal belief I have found through everyone from athletics to artists. I've learned the most in life from people who have improved their own situation to the fullest, and they never stop!

5.) Strictly only be friends with people that support you!

6.) Read You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

- It's saved my life! Some of it is a little funny but just look at the overall message of what she's trying to say.

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*I'm going through exactly what you are night now and it feels like you will never get out of the cycle, but you will! It takes a lot of time and pure commitment and belief that you will get better!

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Much love to you! ❤️

by casualcolloquialism   2019-07-21

Your dad acted like a jerk and it sounds like he acts like a jerk a lot. I grew up pretty damn conservative and I gotta tell you, I don't think this is because he's conservative. I think he's a jerk.

Not sure if this will apply to you at all or not, but part of disengaging from my conservative family involved learning more about codependency. I discovered that I had spent my whole life trying to make sure that others around me were happy at the expense of my own mental health and well-being. I really recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie to learn more about this. It was literally a life-changing book for me, and it might help you build some coping skills to deal with your dad.

by jkgibson1125   2019-07-21

Dragon you aren't a moron.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. It sounds like you have your life wrapped up in this woman. I am sorry that the person that you have invested so much into has treated you so badly.

While you may believe that your love is unique, she doesn't share the belief. It may also be contributing to her affairs because she may be thinking that no matter what she does you aren't going to leave her and you will forgive her. This is the ultimate is selfishness and self-centeredness when you will allow someone to debase you to such a level and then continue to despise you to the point of doing the same soul destroying action 2 more times.

I would like you to look into this book.

Codependent No More

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2FV5H0H7ACU0T&keywords=codependent+no+more+book&qid=1551296156&s=gateway&sprefix=Codepende%2Caps%2C136&sr=8-1

It really sounds that you have lost yourself to this person. This is not how a healthy relationship is supposed to work. You need to find where you begin and she ends and right now I don't think you know where that is.

What she has done is devastating, it's not deserved and you are feeling all the pain, anxiety, insecurity, of this betrayal and what is worse is she chose to do this knowing what it did before.

You need to take care of yourself while you are going through this:

Make sure that you are eating and getting nutrition. If you find having meals hard, then go out and purchase meal replacement shakes and meal replacement bars and force yourself to consume them.

Make sure that you are drinking liquids. STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL. Drink water, broths, tea. You need to make sure that you are getting enough liquid.

Finally I know this is probably the hardest, you need to sleep. Go out and pickup Melatonin capsules 5mg take one before bed and they will help the sleep. You may even need to approach your doctor about something to help out with this but you need to rest.

Keep posting and writing here. Ask questions, Read other posts so you can see a lot of different situations. Most of all know you aren't alone.

by jkgibson1125   2019-07-21

The woman is not remorseful. What you have is what we term regret. She is regrets getting caught.

Here are 15 actions and attitudes that were published by a therapist who deals with couples healing from infidelity. These are actions that the cheating spouse must be doing in order for you to have security in the current relationship:

Those who want to heal their spouses and relationship are:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

So go through this and be honest with yourself. I look at what you wrote and I don't see her doing any of these things.

I think you only have very little of the truth here. I believe it was full on physical affair. I would highly suggest you get the book Co-Dependent no more, because of your inability to leave her due to her emotional manipulations.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1549471686&sr=1-1&keywords=codependant+no+more

by jkgibson1125   2019-07-21

You are not an idiot. But I do think you may have some issues with codependency.

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

You really need to detach from her. She is unhealthy. She calls you because she knows you care and you will be her white knight. Detaching from her will help you.

by oldschool54   2019-07-21

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

by ladrm   2019-07-21

Well this one for starters:

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

by Derparita   2018-03-19

I have a book I'd like you to read. It's called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It was suggested to me by my ex's therapist, when I joined him in a therapy session and ended up sobbing. It helped me see things from a different perspective and gave me strength I didn't know I had. The book drastically improved my life and it only took a few days to read. Here it is on Amazon . I was skeptical at first because:

1) I had never read a self-help book before and had honestly zero faith that it would help anything.

and,

2) The cover of the book made me defensive because it says something about controlling others.

But, read it. It all makes sense once you get into it, and I really think your situation will hugely improve if you do. It's just a book, so worst case scenario, you don't gain anything from it but another book to add to the list of books you've read. Best case scenario, your life is changed for the better.

Here it is on Overdrive, you can see if it is available at your local library or even in e-book form.

Edit Actually, I found the e-book online for free (actually it is a free 4-title bundle of her books, but it includes the one I am recommending) so I downloaded it to my Dropbox account. I'll PM you the link so you can just click the link and read it. If anyone else wants to read the book, PM me and I'll send you the link too.

by disbelief12   2018-03-19

Your mom is too involved in your personal business.

Full stop.

There is so much about your post that raises red flags, and I totally understand that you have a hard time seeing them. But really -- your mom is allowed to feel disappointed that you made a few mistakes (which are yours to make, btw -- it's your life), but she has gone off the deep end. It is entirely inappropriate for her to come at you in the way you describe. About your decisions, about your new partner, and about your choice of career. NONE OF THIS is appropriate.

My Nmom (and yours too, it seems) had a narrative about me, and she derived a lot of satisfaction from pressuring me to stay in that box. One step outside that box and the gloves would come off. Normal parents don't behave like this. They see their children as separate people. They want to see them make good choices, sure, but they don't shit all over your choices in an effort to make you conform to some narrative.

I see a lot of myself in your post -- I am long married to a (good) person who my Nmom always disparaged. I too have written about interactions with my Nmom in which I have been overly generous with how she is behaving toward me (as you are doing in this story -- her behavior is actually abhorrent and she owes you a massive apology). I second all of the recommendations for therapy because it will help you recalibrate your sense of normalcy in a parent-child relationship (and adult child at that). I would also encourage you to take break from talking to her if she can't treat you with respect, or at the very least, not bring up this topic ever again. You deserve that much. (You actually deserve much more, but this is the bare minimum.)

I wish you all the best. I think you may also benefit from reading about codependence -- Codependent No More is a good place to start. It's focused on codependence as it relates to alcoholism, but generalizes easily to the dynamic between ACoNs and their N(s).

by VirginiaStepMonster   2017-12-06

While I could understand a partner's reluctance to want to be in a relationship that still involved their ex, this particular partner also accused you of being out "looking single" while having dinner with your son.

Your fiancé is not a reasonable person. He manipulates you, guilts you, screams at you. And he talks about you negatively behind your back. Please take a look at the links I posted on your prior submission:

>1. Have a look at this chart and see where your relationship falls into it.

>2. Check out CoDA and see if there are any groups in your area. If you are in a large metropolitan area, there will probably be a few. Often times you'll find CoDA groups using the same facilities as AA and NA groups.

>3. Check out Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go by author Melody Beattie. These books were instrumental in helping me to recognize my own issues and codependency in a very abusive relationship.

by VirginiaStepMonster   2017-12-06

Hi there, not the person you replied to, but I wanted to give you a couple of links.

  1. Have a look at this chart and see where your relationship falls into it.

  2. Check out CoDA and see if there are any groups in your area. If you are in a large metropolitan area, there will probably be a few. Often times you'll find CoDA groups using the same facilities as AA and NA groups.

  3. Check out Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go by author Melody Beattie. These books were instrumental in helping me to recognize my own issues and codependency in a very abusive relationship.