Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Author: Susan Forward, Craig Buck
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by not-moses   2018-03-19

I don't know if you will find new and helpful information in my post of the thread "Pugnacious vs. Pathetic: My Permanent Pendulum" on this sub-reddit, but you may.

Additionally, you find some psychological "weight reduction" in these books:

Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

by not-moses   2018-03-19

I've been a witness to this on several occasions. Some won judgments. Others got nothing but grief. And the ones who "won" judgments paid a significant price during the depositions they had to give the defense attorneys.

What you elect to do is your own business, of course. I could have "played nice" and come away with a pretty good nest egg when my adoptive mother finally passed. But she was such an insufferably self-righteous fraud (as well as abusive to my spouse), that I just walked away. After reading books like those listed below, I'm convinced now that I would have done myself a lot more damage to just remain in contact, let alone have to fight with her and her attorneys for a few years.

Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

by not-moses   2018-02-16

> sometimes I am perfectly content and very happy with the way our relationship is and then sometimes I️m very very critical and am very reluctant to let any little thing slide because I don’t want to be taken advantage of/ controlled again, but on the other hand I️ know I can be a people pleaser...

Coming from an abusive childhood, it's no problem for me to identify with every word there. Here's what I have had to do thus far (from a longer list):

1) The Patterns & Characteristics of Codependence on the Codependents Anonymous website;

3) "Understand the Drama Triangle. Understand BPD." at pairadocks.blogspot.com;

4) Codependents Anonymous and Emotions Anonymous meetings (you can find meeting locators on their websites);

5) "Romantic Love, Being with What Is, and The 10 StEPs" at pairadocks.blogspot.com;

6) Jiddu Krishnamurti's On Relationships;

8) Practicing some thought questioner & mindfulness inducer like the "10 StEPs of Emotion Processing" at pairadocks.blogspot.com, so that I am able to continue to sense what is going on and know what to do about it;

9) Reading the lyrics while listening to Alanis Morrissette's "Not the Doctor" on Jagged Little Pill and "Precious Illusions" on Under Rug Swept, as well as "Death of Cinderella," which one will have to find on YouTube;

10) Pia Mellody's Facing Codependence;

11) Anne Wilson Schaef's Co-Dependence: Misunderstood, Mistreated;

12) Barry & Janae Weinhold's Breaking Free of the Codependency Trap;

13) Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go;

14) Pia Mellody's Facing Love Addiction, especially with respect to the flip flop from addiction to avoidance;

15) Anne Wilson Schaef's Escape from Intimacy on the same topic;

16) Barry & Janae Weinhold's Flight from Intimacy on co- and counter-dependence;

17) Susan Forward's Emotional Blackmail on manipulative relationships;

18) Patricia Evans's Controlling People on the same topic;

19) Patrick Carnes's The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships;

20) DBT's "FAST" interpersonal-boundary-setting skills set (at DBTSelfHelp.com).

21) The following great books:

Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

by not-moses   2018-02-16

> I want to forgive my parents for emotional abuse...

Understanding the following is almost always helpful in deals like this:

1) Anxious and ambivalent attachment,

2) learned helplessness,

3) family systems theory, and the

4) Karpman Drama Triangle.

Once you have those down, reading books like these with a journal close by to make notes and process in as one comes to tease out the truth from the family fantasies and secrets usually works wonders.

Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

Also likely to be helpful: From Bipolar to Borderline to Complex PTSD: The Long Way Around the Recovery Barn.

by not-moses   2018-02-16

What in the world is normal? (Because normal does not mean "healthy" or "functional.") Okay... Let's move on to some suggested reading and other activity, shall we?

Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem The Patterns & Characteristics of Codependence on the Codependents Anonymous website;

"Understanding the Drama Triangle...;"

ACA, EA and CoDA meetings (you can find meeting locators on their websites);

Jiddu Krishnamurti's On Relationships;

Practicing some thought questioner & mindfulness inducer like the "10 StEPs of Emotion Processing" so that one is able to continue to sense what is going on and know what to do about it;

Pia Mellody's Facing Codependence;

Anne Wilson Schaef's Co-Dependence: Misunderstood, Mistreated;

Barry & Janae Weinhold's Breaking Free of the Codependency Trap;

Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go;

Susan Forward's Emotional Blackmail along with this brief article on dealing with manipulative relationships;

Patricia Evans's Controlling People on the same topic;

Patrick Carnes's The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships;

DBT's "FAST" interpersonal-boundary-setting skills set (at DBTSelfHelp.com).

by CaptianTwisty   2017-12-06

Cut her off and kick her out. She will never change.

Also buy this book and both you and your wife read it: http://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0553381407

2 Chor 12: 14 "for the children ought not to lay up for [their] parents, but the parents for [their] children. "

She's a parasite.