Thanks. Healing will be a looooong process, especially for us who’ve been warped by these people’s behaviors for so long.
I was the same way (up/down/extreme) for months. It slowly improves. In fact the slowness is frustrating abut I accept it as what it is. And I’m so thankful for this sub, they got me through the worst events in my life and gave me hope! May never leave, hahaha
The therapy group I’m in now with same individual one I mentioned earlier, uses Linehan’s DBT handouts workbook and I can’t recommend it enough, it’s so helpful. It’s distress tolerance skills like breathing/mindfulness/relaxation but also helps you psychologically come to love yourself, be more realistic, and take control of our own minds. It’s active (fill in like a workbook) so it gets you reflecting on your situation in practical ways (as opposed to just another book).
DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572307811/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_72b2CbJDVNKFV
I hear free meetings like CoDa and NAMI and maybe at local DV places can be helpful too. I even found a group on Meetup for narcissistic abuse victims! So that’s another non therapy possibility!
Best of luck. It’s hard. But so worth it. Don’t look back and worry what they think, because they don’t understand AT ALL!
Yes. Very helpful. It’s good for anyone who’s been through traumas. My son and I are both in separate therapy programs based on DBT. I suggest you get this book and explore; its great to have professional guidance, but the book is very common sense and practical so you can get a lot out of just the book.
DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572307811/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_u1R2CbM1383VN
You can just google it but here it is
There could be cheaper options but that’s the price I paid for mine.
Hi! I'm sorry to hear about your struggle, it sounds like you're going through a lot of emotions related to her.
The go to treatment for people with bpd is dialectical behavioral therapy, or otherwise known as DBT. I very much recommend that you try to get your daughter into a DBT program. As for how to deal with her, I think the validation section of the dbt workbook would be incredibly helpful for you, and also interpersonal skills such as SET and DEAR MAN.
Best of luck to you and your daughter!
Of course! I am just so grateful to have found a therapist who can help me with these things and I want to spread the knowledge I have because like if I knew this stuff when I were younger, it would have made a lot of my life easier haha
Honestly, I do believe that it is completely ok to give an excuse. Because, think of it this way: when you avoid people, you feel bad because you think that you are failing them and that they will be hurt by your actions and/or think that you're a bad person. That's the answer to a question what's the worst that can happen, right? Ok, well here's the thing, when you think that way about people's reactions, you're not really giving people credit. People are very understanding, especially those close to us. And when they see a pattern of withdrawal/ghosting/disappearance, but see that when you are there you are a good friend or sister or whatever (I'm sorry if you're a dude, I'm a girl so I keep using female nouns) they figure out that you're just a person who sometimes needs space and it doesn't have anything to do with them personally. Main thing is that when you're there, to be a good person, which I'm sure you are.
I honestly cannot even count the number of people who I have disappeared on in my life for a period of time, both close and not, and they all eventually come to accept it and yeah they do label me as a person who disappears or ditches randomly, but that doesn't change our relationship at all and they dont look down on me because of that, they're just ready that it can happen at any time.
And since I've started this practice, it has been years, and I have strength now to give people a little more of my time and not bail on hangouts as much and stuff.
And if your close ones are that involved, yeah, the excuse of work fatigue works! =]
Also, I just saw my therapist yesterday and she told me about a DBT handbook so if you have the means to purchase it, here's the link:
She said that's what they use in their group DBT meetings.
This book is what I use for DBT groupwork and it focuses on all emotions/therapy-interfering behaviors. The emotional regulation skill chapter notes all emotions for "facing the facts"; not just anger/rage. There's more to distress tolerance and emotional regulation skills than self-harm.
As for selling it, you can discuss emotional regulation and mindfulness skills as beneficial life skills many people use (regardless of intent or not) and that it is useful outside the room.
TL;DR Dieting and fasting changed the appearance of, but did not solve, my disordered eating, food addiction, or food obsessions. No matter what, make sure you are being gentle and kind to yourself!
Personally, I turned to keto as a solution for my binge eating issues - One can only eat so much straight butter before one really feels 'done' after all ;) - but I recently saw a post on one of the keto subreddits that may resonate with you. The post suggested that "solving" disordered eating via a restrictive diet wasn't really a "fix" for those disordered attitudes towards food. Instead it's like a floppy band-aid: it might work at first but you have to heal the underlying wound, band-aid or no. And I'll be damned if for me, that wasn't absolutely right. I have had to be honest with myself: For some of the 3 or so years that I've been eating keto, my disordered eating didn't disappear, it only looked different. Since I started keto, it has looked like obsessive thoughts about food with sprinkled instances of my previous disordered patterns. I thought perhaps this would resonate for you with what you mentioned about ending your fast with a candy binge.
For me, I'm now experiencing a tension between "I would prefer to reduce my carbs to keto levels because I legitimately do feel better physically and physiologically when I don't eat carbs on a regular basis" and "but demonizing carbs hasn't actually caused me to recover, and I still turn to food for things that really aren't about hunger or nourishment." It's a fine line: I found myself obsessing over keto just as much as I had ever obsessed about food while in the throes of my unhelpful eating patterns.
Since this realization, I've found a couple tools that I hope will be useful. One is that I have cultivated the habit of using a handful of mood and behavior tracker apps, which help me be honest and mindful about how I am feeling on a given day. Pacifica is popular, and I also use BoosterBuddy. Booster Buddy prompts you to do 3 self-care tasks each day. It sounds trivial, but for some reason it really does lead me to be mindful of ways I can nurture myself, and ultimately I find I nurture myself more often and more effectively. Trackers won't by themselves cause your food obsessions to go away, of course - but I've been finding that if I start my day with a couple gentle, low-investment nudges towards self-care, then other good things tend to follow.
Another tool I'm using is DBT (dialectal behavior therapy.) Basically, it is a behavior-based therapy that is rooted in mindfulness without judgment of self or others. It has a few core tenets, which include the idea that 1. all behaviors are caused and 2. everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have at any given time. You might be able to find DBT groups locally (and I really do recommend them in a group setting!) or you might be able to find a therapist for DBT one-on-one. I'm hopeful that an honest look at the role of my eating habits will enable me to find more effective solutions to the problems for which I have been using food. This is the specific tool that I used during my first experiences with DBT. It's meant to be used in a therapy setting, but I'm trying it out by myself. It includes worksheets to help you identify the specific patterns you are trying to change, as well as alternative strategies for situations that might trigger problem eating. DBT has been found to be effective for many folks with eating disorders.
Sorry for the wall - I really empathize with what you have written. For what it's worth, I believe in your ability to move through your eating disorder with compassion and in a way that feels good to you. :)
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1572307811
It’s not a “game” book and it’s not a “help” book it’s a fact driven very helpful book. Different skills apply to different people but it’s for sure worth a look. Maybe even take a class for real and get all that nasty shit out of your system. For real, you deserve someone in your life dude.
DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It is a treatment developed by Marsha Linehan, originally to treat chronically suicidal patients and those with Borderline Personality Disorder. It has since been shown as an effective form treatment for many other diagnoses as well, such as those with PTSD, substance abuse, mood disorders, eating disorders, and ADHD. Those who seek DBT are frequently those who experience intense emotions and emotional distress. It is made up of four components: mindfulness, emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance. A typical DBT program consists of a once-weekly 2 hour DBT group that lasts 6-12 months, a once a week therapy session, and the ability for the client to have access to their therapist via phone for phone coaching.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any more questions!
Texts and Reference Books
Days in the Lives of Social Workers
Child Development, Third Edition: A Practitioner's Guide
Racial and Ethnic Groups
Social Work Documentation: A Guide to Strengthening Your Case Recording
Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond
Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life
Interpersonal Process in Therapy: An Integrative Model
The Clinical Assessment Workbook: Balancing Strengths and Differential Diagnosis
Helping Abused and Traumatized Children
Essential Research Methods for Social Work
Navigating Human Service Organizations
Privilege: A Reader
Play Therapy with Children in Crisis
The Color of Hope: People of Color Mental Health Narratives
The School Counseling and School Social Work Treatment Planner
Streets of Hope : The Fall and Rise of an Urban Neighborhood
Social Work with Older Adults
The Aging Networks: A Guide to Programs and Services
Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society: Bridging Research and Practice
Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy
Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change
Ethnicity and Family Therapy
Human Behavior in the Social Environment: Perspectives on Development and the Life Course
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Generalist Social Work Practice: An Empowering Approach
Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents
DBT Skills Manual
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets
Social Welfare: A History of the American Response to Need
A People’s History of the United States
The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Life For Me Ain't Been No Crystal Stair
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Tuesdays with Morrie
The Death Class <- This one is based off of a course I took at my undergrad university
The Quiet Room
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
Flowers for Algernon
Of Mice and Men
A Child Called It
Go Ask Alice
Under the Udala Trees
It's Kind of a Funny Story
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
The Yellow Wallpaper
The Bell Jar
To Kill a Mockingbird
I learned about it in my IOP courses. We'd have new material twice a week and homework to practice. It was pretty nice learning things incrementally with time to try specific lessons over the weekend. My group was using handouts from this book: https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1572307811
Even though I've worked with a therapist throughout my entire healing journey so far, she did encourage me to do DBT self study with this book: https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1572307811
It concentrates a lot on mindfulness and emotional control. It's been really helpful, and probably something you could do successfully on your own.