When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

Category: Motivational
Author: Manuel J. Smith
4.3
All Reddit 72
This Month Reddit 8

About This Book

Sarah Deane, a new teaching fellow at Bowmouth College, is determined to solve the mystery when the body of a student is found frozen in an ice sculpture.

Comments

by rocknrollchuck   2019-11-17

Welcome to OYS!

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> Physical: Over the last year, I’ve lost 50 pounds doing a combination of keto and IF. At Christmas time, I let myself slack off and have been basically maintaining weight up until about two months ago, where I really started back in earnest. About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I started lifting at Planet Fitness. I’m finding that I really need a better gym that’s more suited towards actual progress, but it will do fine for these first several months while I build up a little baseline of muscle back. Since starting diet and exercise back in earnest, I’ve lost 5 pounds and feel that I am on track to continue making progress.

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Are you tracking your calories and recording your workout reps/sets? What gets tracked gets measured, and what gets measured gets done.

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>My short term goal professionally is to pass my FE exam and to take and pass the PE exam when I am eligible a year from now to get a full license.

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Pick a date to take both and throw them on the calendar. Then prepare accordingly. It's easy to say "soon", it's not so easy to say "it's happening on [this day]."

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>Spiritual: another area that I am certainly lacking in currently, both in self discipline and leadership marriage-wise. I occasionally attend church, but not regularly. And I usually only will attend a service, and not get involved in Sunday school. To me, that needs to change and that is a matter of the self discipline it takes to get myself there every weekend.

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Yes, start attending Sunday school classes, that's a good start. Also, I take it you're not reading your Bible every day? I've had more personal transformation since doing that daily than anything else I've done. I have a link to my suggested reading plan in my OYS post each week, check it out and start on today's reading and go forward from there.

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>Marriage wise, I really need to work on my wife and her faith.

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Nope. Work on you and your faith. Put your own oxygen mask on before trying to help those around you. When you're in a solid place spiritually, then you can try to help her. My guess is that if you really take your faith seriously, attend church and Bible study faithfully, and read your Bible daily she will get on board soon enough. Not by nagging her, but by setting a godly example to follow.

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>One issue I do have that isn’t necessarily in my control, is that she is a nurse, and frequently has to work weekends.

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Invite her to attend when she's not working, but don't worry if she declines. Just make sure you go and leave the results to God. Focus on getting in the Word when the two of you are together at home, whether she accepts your invitation to join or not. Show that it's important to you.

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>This is definitely causing me some frustration, but I believe it’s because I’ve been living in her frame, trying to fit my plans into her schedule. While as the leader of our eventual family, I can’t just disregard her schedule entirely, but I place too much emphasis on trying to make my life fit her rather than have her do it the other way around.

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So develop a schedule that works for you, and invite her to join you. Read When I Say No, I Feel Guilty to learn how to say no effectively when she challenges your frame.

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>she does seem to have a legitimate medical issue. Sex can be extremely painful for her.

>We thought she had endometriosis, but after getting her checked, there was none to be found.

>We have sex about once a week, but it’s very vanilla and she honestly doesn’t seem to care for it much.

>It’s mostly duty sex.

>My goal here is to eventually get it to where my wife is actively desiring sex, and no longer thinks of it as a painful duty.

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Do you see the correlation between each of these things? If ever there was a case of Every Unhappy Wife is a Rape Victim (secular link), I think it's your case.

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>I’m not sure if it’s anything RP can fix.

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You're right, RP can't fix it. Only YOU can, using RP methods to do so. Yes, there may be an underlying medical issue, but don't let that be the reason until you've become the man God meant you to be. I suspect your wife is no different from most of the rest of the wives here, she just manifests her symptoms of dissatisfaction a little differently.

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>I did do some work to game her throughout the day last week and it led to us having much better, more enthusiastic sex.

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See? There IS hope!

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>I need to get out of the house more. I’ve always been a pretty bad friend to those I care about, simply for the fact that I don’t keep in touch. I hate texting simply for the sake of texting. I need to reconnect with college friends and cultivate those friendships again. I also need to meet new people, and I’m hoping that getting more involved with the church can lead to that.

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Yes, this will help develop every aspect of your life. Also, she can't miss you if you're never gone.

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>Since college, I’ve been in a cycle of wake up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, repeat.

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The Boring Beta Bob routine. Most of us have been there in one form or another at some point.

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>I don’t yet know what hobby I’d like to take up, but I’m certainly looking for one that doesn’t involve a television.

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  • How to Hobby (secular link)
by 0cd35a70   2019-11-17

It's less likely, but depends on how good the security is on your router/wireless gateway. The other risks I mentioned are still present. Is there a reason the neighbor can't sign up for cell-based Internet?

Also, see https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900/

by childhoodsurvivor   2018-11-10

Reading this book about assertiveness training will help you both with your spines. Also this book list and www.outofthefog.website have great stuff.

I hope FH is open to therapy because he badly needs it. He should see a therapist that specializes in childhood trauma/dysfunctional families. Best of luck!

by childhoodsurvivor   2018-11-10

It sounds like your mother may have BPD (borderline personality disorder - I am not a mental health professional). If so I recommend reading the books "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (both found on Amazon). This list of books has a bunch of great suggestions as well.

Another great suggestion is this book about assertiveness training. It will help you build your shiny spine (if you need help with that, I find that those of us with childhood trauma do). www.outofthefog.website is great as well.

Last but not least therapy for childhood trauma is something that you should strongly consider. Therapy is amazing and it works wonders. I cannot recommend it enough. :)

by jm51   2018-11-10

Mom = Superwoman

WISNIFG = Kryptonite

by childhoodsurvivor   2018-11-10

> I have a really hard time talking to people and get overwhelmed.

This is a book about assertiveness training so you can build your shiny spine. Good luck!

by heronmarkedblade1984   2018-11-10

"When I say no I feel guilty " you should give this book a read sometime, really puts that in perspective.

https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0553263900

by jm51   2018-11-10

Get yourself a copy WISNIFG Used copies available dirt cheap.

Read and apply the techniques. It's kryptonite to parents.

by RedPillPowerNine   2018-11-10

Ok your story is not unique, I have heard it a million times. First read this:

https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0762415339

Then when you are done, read this:

https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0553263900

After you finish those, you will be a new man.

You might even leave her.

If you want to stay married throw this one in aswell:

https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1460981731

Fix you, you are the problem. You might have picked the wrong woman.

by callmejay   2017-08-19

Here's a great book that will teach you how to be assertive: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty . It goes through various techniques you can use and seems like it would be perfect for you.

Edit: one specific thing that comes to mind for me (not necessarily from the book) is that you don't have to get into the whys. Giving her reasons like "due to smoking" will just give her room for arguing, bargaining, etc. You don't have to prove your reasons, you just have to stick to your guns.

by DuplexFields   2017-08-19

Also, don't forget that while medications may shift the chemical balances toward "normal", the brain can get used to them and, depending on the med, can result in even more severe depression. That's why I personally always recommend using the time of relief granted by good meds to take care of personal issues. I suggest behavior therapy, talk therapy, 12-step support programs, peer groups such as DBSA, connecting with a faith that values human life, or reading well-reviewed psychology self-help books such as "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty " and "Codependent No More ".

by alphabeta49   2017-08-19

Came here to second jack and McGill. Read WISNIFG . I'm almost done with it myself, and god, let me tell you, the tools that book offers are so very useful.

The only other recommendation I'd offer is to get to a point where you don't have to "play" DGAF but you actually DGAF. You'll probably be shaking in your boots the first few times you defy her, but with practice and self-talk you'll get better and more natural (works for me anyway). Fake it til you make it, but making it is the goal.