Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder might be a good resource for you.
His "glass ego" may be the tip of the iceberg.
NTA. Forgiveness takes time. The best thing for her to do would have been to apologize for how she treated you, explained her recent diagnosis, and express how she hopes that you could one day forgive her. But it doesn’t sound like she’s far enough along in her treatment to recognize this.
The only way I would ever consider you to be an asshole in this situation would be if you were now going around telling everyone and talking shit. “The crazy bitch really was crazy!” You know? But it really doesn’t sound like that is the kind of person you are.
You were definitely a victim in this and you deserve to be happy. Actions speak louder than words and it’s up to her to try to better herself.
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation I recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. You can’t give into a persons demands just because they have a mental illness. Not only will it encourage their poor behavior, but it’s also not fair to you to feel as though you need to endure the abuse just because they ‘can’t help it.’
I hope she takes her diagnosis seriously and puts in the work needed to live a happy and healthy life. I’m also incredibly happy you are able to see your self worth and walk away from a toxic relationship. You deserve to be happy. Wishing you both the best.
Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
By Paul Mason
Hey OP, I dated a girl like this once. I can think I can tell you a couple really important things.
Firstly, it's highly likely that your gf has un-diagnosed BPD (borderline personality disorder) as mine did. This is a seriously misunderstood and really unfortunate mental illness that afflicts people who may have suffered trauma in early childhood.
Secondly, it is your choice to stay with her, but if you do, you need to understand that you will be the most important thing in her life and therefore the one person she will project most of her issues onto. BPD is a SERIOUS mental illness that you should read about so you can understand how reality is to her.
Some subreddits are /r/BPDlovedones and /r/BPD
There is a great book called Stop Walking on Eggshells which will TOTALLY change the way you see people with BPD and other mental illness. The book isn't for her benefit, it's for yours. Before you talk with her again I would at LEAST recommend doing a quick google search on BPD and see if it seems like your situation at all.
Feel free to PM me if you have and questions that I may be able to answer.
If you think you might be living with a Borderline, this book is a good one. It helped my family a lot in understanding and dealing with our issues.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_9trJCb5SXV2NZ
I've heard good things about the book Stop Walking On Eggshells though I can't vouch for it personally.
I've been thinking of doing something myself. One of the biggest issues seems not to be that people have this, but that others have almost no idea what's going on. Would be great to see more resources
Some of what you wrote stood out to me (berating you and the kids, especially; really not cool) and the fact that you kept repeating the feeling of walking on egg shells...
Let me suggest this read for you: Stop Walking on Eggshells
This is a good resource to get an idea how to cope. Obviously, it isn't going to be a cure, but educating yourself goes a long way.
I married the love of my life. I also married BPD. Had I known it at the time, I wouldn't do one damn thing different. To say it's a pain in the ass to deal with day in and day out it the understatement of the century. I'm comfortable saying that even though we haven't been through much of this century yet.
You need a therapist who actually knows what BDP is. You might be surprised how many are completely ignorant about the disease. They can help you understand how to communicate effectively with someone who really doesn't know who they are.
Is your friend in any sort of treatment? If someone with BPD is seeking treatment, I feel like there is a chance at a relationship. If they're in denial of their diagnosis or if they refuse treatment (DBT or the like), run for your life.
I wish you all the best. I've made it 14 years with a SO who finally decided she wanted to get better a couple years ago. We're not better, yet. We've made a lot of progress, though.
Drugs and the like may take care of comorbidities (bipolar, depression, etc.), but they're unlikely to have much effect on BPD itself.