You best get this book:
EDIT: I'm aware that borderline personality disorder =/= bipolar
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=asc_df_1572246901/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312142103956&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4197747376526405133&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9013302&hvtargid=pla-433059258122&psc=1 This book is worth every penny
Oh dear. Very sorry to hear this.
I would echo a need for him to go to therapy as others have stated. I would also echo that HE needs to do this, not you. You might be a catalyst for him addressing it, but he has to step up and stand his ground with his mother.
A few quick things I would share.
Therapy Concepts (worth reading about a bit)
I had to go through this with my mother and it has 99% completely destroyed my relationship with her. We don't communicate anymore and she sold her house and moved across the country away from us. This happened because I stood up for myself, my wife, my new baby...my family. She pushed boundaries and continued to make everything about here, and I wasn't having it. I called her out hard, making the point that my priority is MY family, and I can't tolerate her behaviors effect on my family, and that I needed her to listen and understand my parameters for an ongoing relationship with me as an adult. She failed to understand because she doesn't understand how to have relationships on any kind of mutual terms. She has some combination of narcissism / borderline personality disorder. Rather than try and evolve our relationship to enjoy this new chapter of my being and adult, and now a father, she just pulled up stakes and left as a power play to try and get me to bow down and apologize. All the while, my wife is seen as the villain that caused this.
One could say, this is heartbreaking because I cast my mother aside, and her support and presence in mine and my families life. The way I see it is, my mother raised me to make a happy loving life for myself, and I have pursued, prioritized and protected just that. I'm disappointed that my mother let her own narcissism prevent her from joining me in this chapter of my life, where she could have been a passenger and enjoy the fruits of her having raised me well. At some point, had I not drawn this line in the sand, I would have been failing my mother by not making a life for myself.
It won't get better. The situation will stay the same, and if you get married and have a family, it will just be the same with higher stakes. He needs to outline the new world order in which he has a new family. If she can't get on board with that, then you are better off without her. Being his mother is a reason to support and treat her son well, not a blank check to do whatever she wants to him with infinite forgiveness. That's not being a good mother. Thats having an identity crisis with your son as collateral damage.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder might be a good resource for you. This may extend beyond "anger issues"
r/bpdlovedones might be helpful too
Reddit is weird for this. The mods aren't professionals and the rules are flexible. A few weeks ago in a totally different subreddit, I was temporarily banned from... messaging the moderators. I had never messaged the moderators before and had no inclination to do so. It was because I (politely and respectfully) commented in support of a political position they disagreed with. Very politely. On a relevant post. People gonna people. Sorry to hear you ran into injustice.
Also, there's a great book you should read. https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Yes, from what I remember of your specific situation, it would.
I'd also suggest that you get a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Your gf uses anger to control you. Her verbal and emotional abuse of you over the years are control mechanisms.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_FzE3Cb461HRHW
Great book to read. I bought this book before knowing anything about BPD. Because this is exactly something i said to my ex, "i'm always walking on eggshells."
This book put a lot of other things into perspective too.
Your frustration is understandable.
Maybe he has someone in his life who ties him up in knots. Maybe this awesome book could help: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
I'll extol its virtues to anyone who'll listen TBH.
This book has explained bpd and how to help to my boyfriend better than I ever could: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_C0c2Cb41JCBPF
It sounds like you are very emotionally invested in her well-being. Sometimes this is the wrong approach (in my experience) because you can't help another person if you're also unwell and feeling hopeless. It's okay to step away for a moment and take care of yourself. Find a hobby that keeps you from giving up, go out with a non-bpd friend, etc.
When it feels like someone is trying to fix me I snap back at them. It's hard to admit the bpd is controlling you. There's times you need to accept you can't help "fix" the problem and look for a different approach (ex. just listening to the bpd person when they're ranting).
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder might be a good resource for you.
His "glass ego" may be the tip of the iceberg.
NTA. Forgiveness takes time. The best thing for her to do would have been to apologize for how she treated you, explained her recent diagnosis, and express how she hopes that you could one day forgive her. But it doesn’t sound like she’s far enough along in her treatment to recognize this.
The only way I would ever consider you to be an asshole in this situation would be if you were now going around telling everyone and talking shit. “The crazy bitch really was crazy!” You know? But it really doesn’t sound like that is the kind of person you are.
You were definitely a victim in this and you deserve to be happy. Actions speak louder than words and it’s up to her to try to better herself.
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation I recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. You can’t give into a persons demands just because they have a mental illness. Not only will it encourage their poor behavior, but it’s also not fair to you to feel as though you need to endure the abuse just because they ‘can’t help it.’
I hope she takes her diagnosis seriously and puts in the work needed to live a happy and healthy life. I’m also incredibly happy you are able to see your self worth and walk away from a toxic relationship. You deserve to be happy. Wishing you both the best.
Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
By Paul Mason
Hey OP, I dated a girl like this once. I can think I can tell you a couple really important things.
Firstly, it's highly likely that your gf has un-diagnosed BPD (borderline personality disorder) as mine did. This is a seriously misunderstood and really unfortunate mental illness that afflicts people who may have suffered trauma in early childhood.
Secondly, it is your choice to stay with her, but if you do, you need to understand that you will be the most important thing in her life and therefore the one person she will project most of her issues onto. BPD is a SERIOUS mental illness that you should read about so you can understand how reality is to her.
Some subreddits are /r/BPDlovedones and /r/BPD
There is a great book called Stop Walking on Eggshells which will TOTALLY change the way you see people with BPD and other mental illness. The book isn't for her benefit, it's for yours. Before you talk with her again I would at LEAST recommend doing a quick google search on BPD and see if it seems like your situation at all.
Feel free to PM me if you have and questions that I may be able to answer.
If you think you might be living with a Borderline, this book is a good one. It helped my family a lot in understanding and dealing with our issues.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_9trJCb5SXV2NZ
I've heard good things about the book Stop Walking On Eggshells though I can't vouch for it personally.
I've been thinking of doing something myself. One of the biggest issues seems not to be that people have this, but that others have almost no idea what's going on. Would be great to see more resources
Some of what you wrote stood out to me (berating you and the kids, especially; really not cool) and the fact that you kept repeating the feeling of walking on egg shells...
Let me suggest this read for you: Stop Walking on Eggshells
This is a good resource to get an idea how to cope. Obviously, it isn't going to be a cure, but educating yourself goes a long way.
I married the love of my life. I also married BPD. Had I known it at the time, I wouldn't do one damn thing different. To say it's a pain in the ass to deal with day in and day out it the understatement of the century. I'm comfortable saying that even though we haven't been through much of this century yet.
You need a therapist who actually knows what BDP is. You might be surprised how many are completely ignorant about the disease. They can help you understand how to communicate effectively with someone who really doesn't know who they are.
Is your friend in any sort of treatment? If someone with BPD is seeking treatment, I feel like there is a chance at a relationship. If they're in denial of their diagnosis or if they refuse treatment (DBT or the like), run for your life.
I wish you all the best. I've made it 14 years with a SO who finally decided she wanted to get better a couple years ago. We're not better, yet. We've made a lot of progress, though.
Drugs and the like may take care of comorbidities (bipolar, depression, etc.), but they're unlikely to have much effect on BPD itself.