I was so dependent upon others for so many years. It got me into a lot of codependent trouble, as well as didn't accomplish much in the way of climbing out of the BPD festerpit. After a while, I began to take ACTion, including doing several of the ACT workbooks. The concepts in them were so intriguing that I began to look to see where they came from. I ran into all these people, one of them being this guy. His wisdom was enough to pull me out of the pit over several years, making it possible to quote him in detail on the same subject in articles like this one. Unloveable? I used to feel that way. Now I know better.
The following may also be useful:
1) A careful study of CoDA's Patterns & Characteristics;
2) A look at The Five Stages of Recovery to see where I was in them;
3) A grounding in Sternberg's nine types of love;
4) This article on an existential view of romantic love;
To which I will add this article because most of the codependents I have know who went through situations similar to what you have described came from families that operate like small cults.
by not-moses 2017-08-19
Suggested:
After working with BPD pts for many years -- as well as being in recovery from it, myself -- my sense is that while most course through Kubler-Ross's grief-processing stages of Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression... many never get to comfortable Acceptance of their reservoir of unprocessed, uncomfortable emotions; their personal limitations; ambiguity and conflict; appropriate dependency; functional connection to others; and faith in the process of recovery. And they keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. (I did, too.)
I did find a path to Acceptance of What Is (and not only in relationships). The following runs down pretty much how:
1) A careful study of CoDA's Patterns & Characteristics;
2) A look at The Five Stages of Recovery to see where I was in them;
3) A grounding in Sternberg's nine types of love;
4) This article on an existential view of romantic love;
Don't worry about what the others in the CoDA meeting think; just go. In the mean time:
1) CoDA's Patterns & Characteristics;
2) The Five Stages of Recovery to see were one is in them;
3) Sternberg's nine types of love;
4) This article on an existential out-of-the-box view of romantic love;
5) CoDA meetings;
6) This article further quoting a young Krishnamurti on being alone vs. being lonely;
7) The 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing so that one is able to continue to see what is going on and know what to do about it;
8) Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" CD or MP3, listening carefully while reading the lyrics;
9) Pia Mellody's *Facing Love Addiction *, especially with respect to the flip flop from addiction to avoidance;
10) Anne Wilson Schaef's *Escape from Intimacy * on the same topic;
11) Barry & Jane Weinhold's *Flight from Intimacy * on the same topic;
12) DBT's "FAST" boundary-setting skills group.
I was so dependent upon others for so many years. It got me into a lot of codependent trouble, as well as didn't accomplish much in the way of climbing out of the BPD festerpit. After a while, I began to take ACTion, including doing several of the ACT workbooks. The concepts in them were so intriguing that I began to look to see where they came from. I ran into all these people, one of them being this guy. His wisdom was enough to pull me out of the pit over several years, making it possible to quote him in detail on the same subject in articles like this one. Unloveable? I used to feel that way. Now I know better.
The following may also be useful:
1) A careful study of CoDA's Patterns & Characteristics;
2) A look at The Five Stages of Recovery to see where I was in them;
3) A grounding in Sternberg's nine types of love;
4) This article on an existential view of romantic love;
5) Pia Mellody's *Facing Love Addiction *, especially with respect to the flip flop from addiction to avoidance.
6) Anne Wilson Schaef's *Escape from Intimacy * on the same topic;
7) Barry & Jane Weinhold's *Flight from Intimacy * on the same topic;
8) CoDA meetings;
9) The practice of these 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing so that one is able to continue to see what is going on and know what to do about it.
Suggested: Read all this first before making any decisions.
1) A careful study of CoDA's Patterns & Characteristics;
2) A look at The Five Stages of Recovery to see where I was in them;
3) A grounding in Sternberg's nine types of love;
4) This article on an existential view of romantic love;
5) Pia Mellody's *Facing Love Addiction *, especially with respect to the flip flop from addiction to avoidance.
6) Anne Wilson Schaef's *Escape from Intimacy * on the same topic;
7) Barry & Jane Weinhold's *Flight from Intimacy * on the same topic;
8) CoDA meetings;
9) Every so often rereading this article further quoting a young Krishnamurti on being alone vs, being lonely.
10) The practice of these 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing so that one is able to continue to see what is going on and know what to do about it.
11) Alexander Chapman & Kimberly Gratz's The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD.
Then... see my next post.
Don't have a "story" (like this) to tell, but do know The Way Out (after 26 years in CoDA):
1) CoDA's Patterns & Characteristics;
2) The Five Stages of Recovery to see were one is in them;
3) Sternberg's nine types of love;
4) This article on an existential out-of-the-box view of romantic love;
5) CoDA meetings;
6) This article further quoting a young Krishnamurti on being alone vs. being lonely;
7) The 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing so that one is able to continue to see what is going on and know what to do about it;
8) Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" CD or MP3, listening carefully while reading the lyrics;
9) Pia Mellody's *Facing Love Addiction *, especially with respect to the flip flop from addiction to avoidance;
10) Anne Wilson Schaef's *Escape from Intimacy * on the same topic;
11) Barry & Jane Weinhold's *Flight from Intimacy * on the same topic;
12) DBT's "FAST" boundary-setting skills group.
To which I will add this article because most of the codependents I have know who went through situations similar to what you have described came from families that operate like small cults.
Suggested:
After working with BPD pts for many years -- as well as being in recovery from it, myself -- my sense is that while most course through Kubler-Ross's grief-processing stages of Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression... many never get to comfortable Acceptance of their reservoir of unprocessed, uncomfortable emotions; their personal limitations; ambiguity and conflict; appropriate dependency; functional connection to others; and faith in the process of recovery. And they keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. (I did, too.)
I did find a path to Acceptance of What Is (and not only in relationships). The following runs down pretty much how:
1) A careful study of CoDA's Patterns & Characteristics;
2) A look at The Five Stages of Recovery to see where I was in them;
3) A grounding in Sternberg's nine types of love;
4) This article on an existential view of romantic love;
5) Pia Mellody's *Facing Love Addiction *, especially with respect to the flip flop from addiction to avoidance.
6) Anne Wilson Schaef's *Escape from Intimacy * on the same topic;
7) Barry & Jane Weinhold's *Flight from Intimacy * on the same topic;
8) CoDA meetings;
9) Every so often rereading this article further quoting a young Krishnamurti on being alone vs, being lonely.
10) The practice of these 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing so that I was able to see what I am doing when I am doing it.
cc: u/TypographicalStringB, u/WhoHasBeenHidingYou
Suggested reading:
1) CoDA's Patterns & Characteristics;
2) The Five Stages of Recovery to see were one is in them;
3) Sternberg's nine types of love;
4) This article on an existential out-of-the-box view of romantic love;
5) CoDA meetings;
6) This article further quoting a young Krishnamurti on being alone vs. being lonely;
7) The 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing so that one is able to continue to see what is going on and know what to do about it;
8) Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" CD or MP3, listening carefully while reading the lyrics;
9) Pia Mellody's *Facing Love Addiction *, especially with respect to the flip flop from addiction to avoidance;
10) Anne Wilson Schaef's *Escape from Intimacy * on the same topic;
11) Barry & Jane Weinhold's *Flight from Intimacy * on the same topic;
12) DBT's "FAST" boundary-setting skills group.