Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love

Author: Amir Levine, Rachel Heller
4.7
All Reddit 71
This Month Reddit 17

Comments

by dancestomusic   2019-01-13

(on mobile, sorry if things are scrambled /spelling)

Something that really helped me realize a bad cycle of relationships was a book called Attached.

It's about the different adult attachment styles. I bet you, your coworker you didn't feel the spark with is the secure type. You're maybe the anxious type or avoidant. Your ex absolutely is avoidant by the sounds of it.

One of the things I remember in that book was often the spark as you know it isn't there because the mess of a potential relationship between the avoidant and anxious type that you're used too that you think of as a spark isn't there. Whem reading through your description of you and your ex and you mentioning no spark with your new interest I immediately thought of the attachment styles.

I might not have remembered it the best but this reminds me of your relationship. I might suggest taking a look into it further to see if it helps clear your thoughts on how unhealthy this all sounds.

It's incredibly cruel of him to play these games, especially with your daughter. I hope you find the strength to cut him out of your live.

Wiki link with a bit more info about the attachment types: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

The book I mentioned : https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1585429139

by WhiteTigerZimri   2019-01-13

It sounds like you have an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style, which is why you probably get jealous more easily than the average person. If it gets to a point where he is spending more time with her than with you, I'd probably be concerned, but it doesn't sound like that is happening.

It also sounds like you're focusing a lot on Laurel and her intentions, but ultimately the issue is between you and your boyfriend - and comes down to how much you trust him. Because if he's a trustworthy and loyal guy, it wouldn't matter even if she tried to seduce him (which sounds extremely unlikely anyway). A trustworthy guy will do the right thing regardless.

I'd recommend checking out 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller , as well as 'Insecure in Love' by Leslie Becker-Phelps .

I found this book helpful: Love Me, Don't Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment and Building Lasting, Loving Relationships

Another one specifically about jealousy is 'The Jealousy Cure' by Robert Leahy.

This article is also a good starting point: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship

by WhiteTigerZimri   2019-01-13

Yeah even though I fell into "nice girl" territory I was never the aggressive kind either. I also read your other comments and noticed you wrote the following:

>I really want to believe it but it's so hard when all of my life experience to this point makes me feel like I'm never enough.

It sounds like you need to work on shifting this belief, because it's easy for it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's a common belief and very understandable, but can make it difficult to find and form healthy relationships. So many of us feel like we have to be needed, because we can't truly be wanted for who we are.

I've found EFT tapping can be a great tool for working through problematic core beliefs like that, and it's great that at least you're aware of it. You may also want to do some reading about attachment theory as it sounds like you could be going after people who are emotionally unavailable without realising.

Two books in particular that helped me a lot with dating were 'Deeper Dating' by Ken Page and 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller . (Unfortunately 'Attached' doesn't discuss the Fearful-Avoidant style in depth but it's still quite useful.)

by Isolatia79   2018-11-10

Anxiously attached psychologist here

Please read Attached if you haven’t already

https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1585429139

by Thistleknot   2018-11-10

I think it is an evolved response. According to attached, this is just an activated attachment system.

On Human Nature

[Pair-Bonding, Romantic Love, and Evolution](http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1745691614561683 Attached

Handbook to Attachment Theory

The Fantasy Bond

by Lamzn6   2018-11-10

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1585429139

by ino_y   2018-11-10

Actually I think he does want to see your instagram, he wants to be a part of your life and be included in your family. He probably daydreams about it but it torn about how he feels and admonishes himself "dont be silly, keep it cool man".

He was probably in heaven when you were nurturing after sex, it's a vulnerable time when both Secure and Anxious people enjoy closeness and intimacy. "Acting like a tool" was his protest behaviour, he wanted more, and firmer words of commitment, but doesn't know how to ask, doesn't know he's Anxious, and he's thinking it's counterintuitive to admit he's "clingy".

Here's the quick version of the book

But if you like this guy, can understand why he's behaving this way and can kinda put up with it, or help him use better language when he's feeling insecure, I highly recommend the book Attached it was a great read.

by not-moses   2018-11-10

Indeed .

by scoutfinch-   2018-11-10

I'd recommend reading Attached . I just picked up this book and it explains so much about myself and dating patterns.

by throwaway2304103948   2018-11-10

Take a look into the different forms of attachment theory. After going through a recent breakup, I did some reading and found that my ex was classically avoidant, while I was classically anxious. Made me feel a LOT better about what happened, and also gave me something that I can work on to better myself and hopefully avoid the situation in the future.

Here's a link or two, though I'm sure you can find others:

http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

https://www.evergreenpsychotherapycenter.com/styles-adult-attachment/

Also, a book that was recommended to me:

[https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1585429139)

Hope this helps you as much (or more) than it helped me.

by Zooooooombie   2018-11-10

Recently I've been looking into attachment styles and how they manifest in relationships. It sounds a little bit like an anxious attachment style that gets triggered because once you care about someone, you have something you can lose and that's been your experience. Here's a book I read recently that helped me shed a little bit of light on the phenomenon if that resonates with you:

[https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1585429139)

by 5ummerbreeze   2018-11-10

I might be totally off on this, but the ways you've described this guy made me think of this book my psychologist recommended to me.

https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1585429139

HIGHLY recommend it to everyone. Helped me to understand myself so much better, why I need the things I do in a relationship, and why I act the way I do when I dont get those things that i need... and how to thrive in a relationship, And not feel alone and needy.

Part of the reason he may have cheated, fought for the new girl, and pushed you away so suddenly is a strong fear of commitment. What you said about your history matches perfectly with an attachment style that does that.

Avoidant attachment style people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. The new girl is safe for him because shes still distant. You represent growing level of commitment, and growing loss of independence. He may still want intimacy and closeness, but it may also cause him to panic.

Some psychiatrists believe Infidelity may be a regulatory emotional strategy used by people with an avoidant attachment style. The act of cheating helps them avoid commitment phobia, distances them from their partner, their relationship, and helps them keep their space and freedom.

The avoidant personalities are so afraid of closeness and intimacy, that their relationship could completely stifle them – so they may also cheat as a means of getting out of it.

Moving on to another point, new relationships are bright and shiny. In a new relationship, you don't know that person's flaws yet. For some people, it's easier to switch to something new and simple as soon as you feel the first bit of difficulty (possibly cause by the higher commitment level).

Movong on to the "why her and not me?" He would/will probably do the same to her if their relationship lasted. You are not inferior to her, nor she to you. We are all different.

That said, even if he is happier with her, so what? That does not make you any less of a woman. That doesn't make you inferior. That doesn't make you worth less. It just means you're different, and you both suit different people.

If you have that question "wasn't I enough?" The answer may honestly be, No- not for him. But for someone else, you are enough. For many others, you are enough.

by loversoftheland   2018-11-10

https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1585429139

by private_spectacle   2018-11-10

Here's a book that could help you get a handle on the situation: https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1585429139

by WhiteTigerZimri   2018-11-10

It sounds like you probably have an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style. Unfortunately, long-distance relationships tend to be very stressful and difficult for people with Anxious attachment styles, compared to local/offline relationships. I can vouch for this from personal experience! I'd recommend checking out 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller , as well as 'Insecure in Love' by Leslie Becker-Phelps .

This article is also a good starting point: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship

by perfectlysafepenguin   2018-11-10

If anyone's interested in learning more about attachment styles, this book had a big impact on the way I approach relationships and I kind of think everyone could benefit from reading it

by decoy88   2018-11-10

I heard this book is good

by Lamzn6   2018-11-10

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/1585429139

by aviondepapier   2018-11-10

I think it may be helpful for a lot of people who are dating to look into the attachment theory. I have been reading a book called Attached and I have learned bit from it thus far. Just a little mention that others may find of interest.