The 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman
My wife has read it and I'm still getting into it. It's got some religious tones to it that I'm not super into, but the overall intent of the book is pretty positive.
You don't sound like a spoiled brat. You want him to put thought and effort into speaking your love language. To him, gifts are just stuff. To you, they're an expression of love, intention, and care. You want him to care about the thought behind gift giving instead of "here ya go if I remember" and moving on. Talk to him about gifts being your love language. Think about picking up a copy of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts . A lot of people recommend it and it seems to really help with that kind of communication.
Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?
It sounds like you really want to connect with your girlfriend on a deeper level and understand what makes her tick. There are some underlying commonalities with all INFJs, but I'm also reluctant to generalize a specific person. "The Five Love Languages" is a wonderful, quick read that allows you to develop a relationship that is based on a mutual understanding of what makes the both of you feel appreciated and loved.
Sounds cheesy, right? I thought so, too, but I think the benefits outweigh the cheese.
"You gotta be more sensitive" is a request for cognizance more than anything, a reminder of selfless thoughtfulness. Even if you don't fully understand where she's coming from, sit down with her and say, "Sweetie, I've been putting a lot of thought into us being apart, and I want to make this as easy on you as possible. What can I do to help? Would you like me to set up time to spend together? How about Skype? Why don't we plan out a few visits? What would you prefer?"
This initiative will be greatly appreciated. As an INFJ, I'm usually the one who is preemptive of others' needs. I'm always grateful when people make the effort. It doesn't matter exactly what they say -- oftentimes, it's the thought that counts.
Following up on the Love Languages, it comes from a book that talks about how different people feel loved from different things:
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman.
And there's also the 5 Love Languages Online Quiz or else the Downloadable PDF version of the quiz.
Also, am I the only one who read this thread title and thought, ♫ Baby don't hurt me...no mo....♪
One of the most popular books over in the Marriage sub is The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman; plus there's a free 5 Love Languages Online Quiz or if you want paper, a downloadable PDF version.
Guys like this, I sometimes wish I could have a chat with them to help them understand how important these little things are in life. Happily married couples never stop dating.
You have something very special.
But we can't say why you don't adore her. Are you carrying a "grass is greener on the other side" fantasy that is simply fantasy? Or could she do a couple things and you're suddenly smitten?
Since you two are working on communication, let me suggest a popular book in this sub: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman.
Alternatively, he has a website and you can take the Online Quiz or Download the PDF version. What this is about are the things that we crave in a relationship, and how our partner can fulfill that. And it goes both ways.
About how to make a relationship work apart from the sex? Same advice, really. Talk to your partner. When you sense discontent on your partner's part, talk about it. Ask your partner how she wishes you to behave in a certain situation, explain why you didn't behave in that particular way, and try to find a middle way. Relationships are all about communication. Don't be afraid to come off as an insecure simpleton for asking questions. Most women actually appreciate a man who is not afraid to open up about his insecurities and ask for their input. Just make sure you don't come off as clingy and controlling. Clingy and controlling are bad.
There's a useful book out there called The 5 Love Languages , which explains that people need different things to feel loved, and that they express their love for others in different ways, too. It is very insightful. If you ever find yourself in a relationship, read this book, figure out which type you are, then ask your partner to read the book and determine which type she is, and then sit down with your partner and discuss what this actually means for your relationship. Chances are you'll have a very interesting and illuminating conversation which will give you a lot of pointers as to how to proceed in your relationship.
We've done the long distance move and it's a bit tough starting out. What really helped us is getting our kids involved in a variety of activities such as sports, scouting, art, drama, dance and so on. We met lots of parents like us and made a lot of friends that way.
Also, I'd suggest that both of you read and watch this article/video: Stop Bickering. It's Killing Your Relationship.
And finally, read the book and/or take the quiz about the love languages. You have a way that you want love expressed to you and you're not getting it. And he may be the same. Book: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman and Online Quiz or Downloadable PDF
>I do lash out at him when I'm sexually frustrated.
Normal Reaction, your needs are not being met.
>So that's my progress...
Good Luck, You have set a path, now if you both can follow it.
You might also look into The 5 Languages of Love
"midlife crisis" .... that's a myth. If the therapist said that, get a new therapist.
And actually, that's common advice. If a therapist isn't working, get a new one.
I'll play therapist. Get two copies of a book called "The 5 love laguages". You and your wife read it, one chapter a night. And discuss. Seriously, try it.
The 5 love laguages: