Give this a read
There are only so many fucks a person can give in one day.
I’m getting ready to read this . Maybe you should try it, too.
Read this: https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0062457713
Just remembered your post on Friday but didn’t have time to respond. Check out thisbook or better, audiobook .
Also have a read/audiobook of this and find out what works for you.
Audible usually have a trial period, should be easy to set up.
It’s not a good place where you are and may take time to get out but worth the effort.
Mind needs a reset. Good luck.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
This book is good https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0062457713
I'll give you a quote from this book . It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility. Don't like it? Do something to change it. Write your representatives, talk to your peers, show up to vote, and if it's that big of a deal to you, you can always move somewhere that doesn't have the sunday laws.
Yo. go grab this book and really hear the message of it. I think it will really help. I used this book with my job and how much I was letting every little decision affect my life because of my misinterpretation and over analyzation of things. If you don't read, DL the audio version.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
I only found this book semi-useful, but everything you said made me think that you might get more out of it than I did. A lot of people love it.
You need this: https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0062457713
Have you experienced trauma?
Sounds like you are stuck in fight or Flight mode, perhaps fostered by the feedback loop from Hell ( https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0062457713 )
Change is hard. I recommend Yoga, meditation, exercise in general, a healthy dose of always pausing and be aware of your condition such that it is not driving the bus. CBT is also helpful. A psych would put you on meds.
Been there, my suggestion would be to get fired that quitting. Looks like you'll never use your current employer as a reference so just hang tight, get fired, collect severance and EI!
In the meanwhile read this Book!
I'm going to recommend this book:
As it head-on addresses one of the things you seem to be experiencing: "that you've failed".
The book specifically talks about how thinking you're not living up to some specific standard makes you feel bad, and makes you continue to not live up to that standard.
I highly recommend it, it is a nice quick read, and I think a lot of us INTJs make a model for the world and then set ourselves up with an unrealistic idea of how we will navigate that world that is so theoretical that it almost never meets our expectations when lived out in the real world.
I often tell people, that at my job, I'm basically my own boss, and my boss is an unrelenting and demanding asshole.
I think the first step is to just learn to forgive yourself (e.g. stop beating yourself up for where you are, the past can't change).
> You might be thinking: then what happened before I started doing my homework? I didn’t develop IPT2048 and played other incremental games instead. After I published IPT2048 v2.1, for the entire week I was playing The Perfect Tower, NGUIdle, Almost a Hero, Scrap Clicker 2, etc.
Yo. Punishing yourself mentally for having anxiety about your cool little project you care deeply about isn't going to help you progress with anything.
My guess is: you're overwhelmed with the expectations you've set for yourself, and it seems extremely difficult to conquer your targets to the level of perfection that you can't possibly not achieve. You're anxious that you're not going to get it done perfectly, so instead of lowering your standards, you keep yourself from doing it at all, because then, you can't fail at all.
Problem is, you can't succeed that way, either. You're young. It will do you well to learn so early on that the reason you're anxious is because you want everything to work out to the utmost of expectations, because you care deeply about it. I think you know that it's a good thing that you care, but in your head, the tape keeps playing over and over of how some things can go wrong, and since it's louder than your desire to make it work, you stop yourself from working.
I've read an article in Scientific American about how one researcher considers addiction a learning disability. She was clever and learned things at a faster rate than most (I think this is your situation, as well). But then, when things started to get overwhelming — like after she got to the university or something — she started to find solace in drugs, because they helped her relax and not worry about things too much. At some point, she said, she was so attached to doing light drugs — like marijuana — that she'd forgotten to do the actual work of studying. She put it aside because it bothered her too much, and enjoyed drugs because they gave her the opposite.
Her thinking was: she got into drugs because she was clever. She learned all things quickly; she'd also learned quickly that drugs help overcome her fears — and it didn't matter at the time that she pushed the important work — the kind of work that made her a better person and a more capable specialist — aside.
I don't know whether it's true, but I certainly notice similar threads in my life. I learn well. I get things quickly that others struggle with. I excel. I also enjoy a lot of procrastinating and putting things off because they seem too difficult or are too scary to undertake.
As I got older, I came to realize how baseless those fears really are. It's not that the work is scary: it's that I think it would hurt me to do it, when there's no real reason for me to think that way. I give the negatives much more weight than I do the positives. The fear of failure, therefore, starts to rule my decision-making — and the only place I can possibly end up in when it's at the helm is in a rut, on the sidewalk of life, hoping that someone would come pick me up and help me get where I want to go.
Now, imagine this. There are two people in your life. You know both a little bit; you've spent some time chatting, so you kind of know where they're coming from when they say what they say. One day, one of them starts telling you about this cool new project they have the idea for. They describe it in great detail: all the cool features, all the awesome user interactions, all the potential — and then go on listing the reasons why they can't take it up. "It's too big!". "I can't make it all by myself!". "People would probably not like it".
The other person tells you about their current pet project too. It's not ambitious: just a little app that helps people in a small area. Maybe it's a shopping list app. Maybe it reminds users to take their medication. Maybe it sends autoreplies to certain SMS and emails. The person has some codebase ready, they've read the app store license agreements (for which they have some questions they mean to ask people who know something about it), they ask you if you'd like to test it once it's ready, to work out the kinks in design before official release.
Of those two people, whom would you rather help when they ask? The one that does nothing for themselves and always looks for the reason not to do what they think would be "really cool", or the one who gets things done and keeps things on the level where they understand it?
You might be tempted to start arguing the first person's case. Don't. You know what I mean, and you know I'm right.
You seem to be doing pretty good so far. People have spoken to the quality of your work — and to the nature of those who make "cool idea" posts. You actually accomplish things, and people respect that. So should you.
Take a step back. Leave the project to rest for a while. Take a deep breath, get what things you need to have done first so that nothing bothers you, and when you're ready, come back and see what you can do. There's no hurry, there's no rush, there's no expectations or a timeline. It's your project: you can, quite literally, do whatever you want with it. Continue it, scrap it, rework it, stop it — it's in your hands, as is the goals you set for yourself.
In the meantime, I'd recommend reading something on anxiety and productivity. I have no links for you, since everything I read is piecemeal: a little insight here, a little advice there, an overview from an unrelated book and a personal story from a videogame. That said, I would recommend Raptitude — a blog about mindful living and finding peace in a troubling world. David writes on a variety of issues, and you might just find something that speaks to you.
I would also have liked to recommend A Subtle Art of Not Giving a F-ck by Mark Manson to you, but I think you're not on the level to get as much benefit from it as I did. I started soulsearching when I was about your age, and it took me until now to come to understand life and living enough to be able to apply Mark's advice. Feel free to read it if you're curious, but I wouldn't expect much of it if I were you. It might not make much sense right now.
Take your time. Breathe. Focus on things you can do. Set the bar low and overperform.
This is a dumpster fire.
This isn't your job's fault, it's yours. Accept it because it means you get to choose where to go from here. It doesn't feel like it now but you do decide your reactions to what happens around you.
Learn to stop giving a fuck. In fact, I recommend the book . Given your work history, I'm going to bet you don't delegate, it seems to be a common issue among former sysadmins and engineers.
Make use of all resources you have available to you, both personal and professional. MAKE time to go to the gym. If some low priority shit doesn't get done at work, oh well. I'd also recommend another book to help augment your current habits, The Willpower Instinct .
You are in control, you get to decide what bothers you. Take control of your life and your happiness. Get in better shape, play with your kids. Pick up a new hobby. Whatever you have to do but don't give up control of your life to a fucking job.
To piggy back on this, I really recommend this book:
Despite the name, it doesn't necessarily promote apathy.
But it does promote a more conscious view of what we choose to care about, and a method for self-questioning whether those choices are helpful.
It is a quick and fun read with a lot of interesting ideas.