But there is zero experimental evidence that memories get recovered, and lots of evidence about how easy it is to create false memories. We have lots of cases where recovered memories contradict objective evidence. Memories "recovered" tie to the therapist more than anything else (one will specialize in satanic rituals, the next in a series of terminated pregnancies). And so on.
Therefore I concluded decades ago that we should presume recovered memories to be false unless there is specific evidence otherwise.
Now you say, Many CSA survivors today now say that the obsessive focus on "false memories" has been a significant obstacle to healing from their trauma and being able to discuss it openly. But who are you counting as "CSA survivors"? Those like myself whose memories were never "recovered"? Or people who claim to have suppressed their memories and then later "recovered" them? Because those two groups have very different sets of experiences. And often very different opinions. Particularly about the phenomena of "recovered memories".
Regardless of which definition you use, here is the most important lesson that I learned about recovery. What actually happened is not very important. The dynamics which enabled the abuse, come from it, and with which we harm ourselves ARE important. And these are things that exist and can be dealt with in the present, with no regard to our unreliable memories of the past. Indeed the act of dwelling on those past memories brings grief and unhappiness, and elaborating on them serves no useful purpose.
Related, I learned the hard way that what feels good for me, and what IS good for me, are often very different. As https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitiv... says in its backward law, "Desiring a positive experience is itself a negative experience; accepting a negative experience is a positive experience." Trying to place the blame for my problems entirely on an external abuser, no matter how real that abuser is, becomes a negative experience. By contrast accepting the ways in which I have perpetuated the experience of being abused becomes a positive experience.
Therefore while publicly rehearsing the details of a person's recovered memories may feel good in the moment, I firmly believe that the act of doing so CAUSES trauma, and works AGAINST healing. And indeed the belief that it is helpful is due to incorrect theories about therapy - the same theories by which false memories can wind up implanted.
Check out this book my dude. Mark Manson speaks pretty well to most people, I think.
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
by simjanes2k 2021-12-10
Can I recommend this?
by Pivotfan3001 2021-12-10
Might I suggest this book?
by airstrike 2020-07-12
Or as Mark Manson put it, people give so many fucks about petty things because they have nothing more important to give a fuck about.
Unfortunately you don’t control your sister. In all honesty no one really controls anything except how we respond. We don’t control how people view us, our emotions, and shit we don’t really even control the thoughts that pop in and out of our heads. We only control how we respond to it all. We can let are feelings and thoughts run wild or we can stop giving them all our power.
That being said we cannot own others people behavior either. People need to fuck up to learn that’s literally how learning takes place, trial and error. I have a 16 year old son. He refuses to listen to anything I have to say and thinks he already knows everything. There isn’t shit I can do about it, but hope when he falls on his face the landing isn’t concrete. You’re extremely young and your brain isn’t completely developed just yet. prospective is something that you’ll struggle with until your brain hits that final level. The same can be said of your sister. We all make mistakes and we must be allowed to in order to gain wisdom.
Take it for what it’s worth but I would suggest reading the subtle art of not giving a fuck and/or everything’s fucked both by Mark Manson. I really wish you the best
by non_legitur 2019-11-17
If your hesitation is because you're worried about it going wrong, you might like this book: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
by wil2dscrub 2019-11-17
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
The Alchemist
by andersonenvy 2019-11-17
Reminds me of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck"
So, we have an enlarged amygdala because of our thinking. Our ancestors learned to fear everything, this caused the over evolution of it. So yes evolution is environment and biological mixed, you can’t have one without the other. The first single called organisms that sensed light (from the environment), did better than those that didn’t. However if there wasn’t any light they wouldn’t have. If we as a people all started working on neocortex growth this would eventually trickle down. The biggest issues in our society are caused by our failure to evolve as quickly as our society has. We no longer have to fear lions, triggers, and bears, but our amygdala is operating on this old fear system.
However we very much can learn to chill the fuck out, and it starts with addressing our thoughts. The best way to do this is through mindfulness. I personally have in depth understanding of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and mix it with mindfulness. It work so well I wanted to learn where mindfulness originated from. This lead me to Zen. So I would recommend anything mindfulness related to start you on your path. Crazy enough you’ve already been exposed to it through some of the red pill (they are good about using wisdom from others and dressing it up like there own). Two really good books are the subtle art of not giving a fuck and everything is fucked both are by Mark Manson. He is very good at mixing eastern philosophy and psychology in a way that makes it very understandable.
You seem to view her as an extension of yourself and your own status. This is faulty logic. She (like you) are complete and whole on your own. See in life when it comes to sexual relationships we have three choices. Don’t have any experience, have an in depth experience, or have a breath of experiences. None is better or worse than another, they are just different. Choose going alone and you avoid having to ever compromise anything but you’ll always feel like an outsider on some level. Choose an in-depth experience and you lose out on variety and can get boring, but you have a real chance at true intimacy (I say chance because a lot of relationships don’t make it, because it can take 15-30 years to get there). Lastly choosing a breath lets you have a lot of experience and never gets boring, but you have no chance at true intimacy.
So for most of human history women were only allowed to choose between no experience or in-depth. This lead to a lot of suicide, early death etc. Now women are as free as men, but unfortunately not all men have evolved past women being property or just an extension of self. They can’t see that everyone is playing their own game.
I use the analogy of broad games. Everyone is playing their own board game and thinks everyone else is playing the same one. However they aren’t we are all playing different ones, and can never see others persons game. So say your playing monopoly and I am playing chess. I look over at you and get mad that your not moving your pieces like chess, your not playing by my rules. Yet how could you? Your playing a totally different game. This is the truth of everyone no matter how much you love them or how long you’ve been together. I am my husband are playing different games and that just fine as long as I respect his, and he mine.
Having multiple partners isn’t god or bad. It’s just having more partners. What I mean is do you like your girlfriend now? Because if you do you must thank all her past experiences, sexual or not. This is because we’re all just our accumulation of our past experiences. You take away any experience you change the person.
I would humbly suggest you start viewing your girlfriend as a complete person worthy of love and respect like we all our regardless of past. Also stop putting your worth in external things like status, ideas, beliefs. I am no less worthy of my husbands love because of my past. He still loves me and see me as equals because he respects my humanness. He doesn’t believe my past has any bearing on our future (because it doesn’t). He especially does not see me as an extension of himself.
Try the books they can really help.
by Dash_dashhh 2019-08-24
after the last 2 episodes I started " The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck"
I would recommend giving this a read: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_3?crid=1RMBFCYGYWLFK&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f---+mark+manson&qid=1558913677&s=gateway&sprefix=the+subtle+%2Caps%2C128&sr=8-3
However, most of the positivity and optimism that I've gained over the last few months was due to recovering from heartbreak. Did a lot of soul searching and introspective work to figure things out for myself (as well as seeking out therapy). So, everything I've learned has been a mixed bag. What I can say to you is that you yourself, as a person, no matter how you view yourself, how you think people may see you, are enough. More than enough. Whatever little thing you do in your day to day has impact on the world around you. You may not know it, believe it, or even be aware of it but, it has worth. Remember, every footstep always makes an impression in the ground.
by Leaflock 2019-07-21
I suggest you read this book:
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
You look like the kind of guy I would be happy to have date my teen daughter. You appear kind and respectful. 16 sucks for just about everyone, it will get better and you will live your dreams. Just don’t give up and you’ll see- this life has a lot to offer you.
With maturity comes an ever increasing ability to not give a fuck what other people think of you. In fact, do you like to read? Check out this book:
Edit: You are certainly not a Luzer and might I suggest you make a new username so as not to reinforce that idea in your mind. You want to try to focus on positive things about yourself, not drill home the negative things your brain invents.
by fraschm98 2019-07-21
If you self harm because people make fun of you, you should probably get help. I can recommend this book.
by TheRealMontoo 2019-07-21
I think you know the answer, but don't allow yourself to act on it. You're afraid of committing to something you don't have control over. You're afraid of negative emotions, because you don't know how to deal with them. Your plan right now is to adjust your life to avoid negative events and emotions, instead of learning how to deal with them.
Thing is, whether it's in love or something else, like losing someone to sickness or death, or losing your job, you won't be able to escape having to deal with heartbreaks.
The only way to deal with heartbreak is by experiencing it. By knowing life will go on and achievable, even if the mountain in front of you seems insurmountable.
You could see a therapist like somebody else suggested. Some self-improvement books might help you. I suggest reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.
Some advice I can give myself is to start putting things in perspective. How does something affect you in the long run? How does it affect you in a week, a year or a decade? Look at the bigger picture and things become relative. Get yourself to think everything is a moment to learn from, to shape you to be a better person.
Also, if your happiness depends on needing someone else, something is wrong. You should be happy in life regardless of being with someone. I know that's hard to achieve, but it's definitely not impossible if you keep working on it.
by LiftingGeek28 2019-07-21
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_oNgvCbKRPADN3
But there is zero experimental evidence that memories get recovered, and lots of evidence about how easy it is to create false memories. We have lots of cases where recovered memories contradict objective evidence. Memories "recovered" tie to the therapist more than anything else (one will specialize in satanic rituals, the next in a series of terminated pregnancies). And so on.
Therefore I concluded decades ago that we should presume recovered memories to be false unless there is specific evidence otherwise.
Now you say, Many CSA survivors today now say that the obsessive focus on "false memories" has been a significant obstacle to healing from their trauma and being able to discuss it openly. But who are you counting as "CSA survivors"? Those like myself whose memories were never "recovered"? Or people who claim to have suppressed their memories and then later "recovered" them? Because those two groups have very different sets of experiences. And often very different opinions. Particularly about the phenomena of "recovered memories".
Regardless of which definition you use, here is the most important lesson that I learned about recovery. What actually happened is not very important. The dynamics which enabled the abuse, come from it, and with which we harm ourselves ARE important. And these are things that exist and can be dealt with in the present, with no regard to our unreliable memories of the past. Indeed the act of dwelling on those past memories brings grief and unhappiness, and elaborating on them serves no useful purpose.
Related, I learned the hard way that what feels good for me, and what IS good for me, are often very different. As https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitiv... says in its backward law, "Desiring a positive experience is itself a negative experience; accepting a negative experience is a positive experience." Trying to place the blame for my problems entirely on an external abuser, no matter how real that abuser is, becomes a negative experience. By contrast accepting the ways in which I have perpetuated the experience of being abused becomes a positive experience.
Therefore while publicly rehearsing the details of a person's recovered memories may feel good in the moment, I firmly believe that the act of doing so CAUSES trauma, and works AGAINST healing. And indeed the belief that it is helpful is due to incorrect theories about therapy - the same theories by which false memories can wind up implanted.
Check out this book my dude. Mark Manson speaks pretty well to most people, I think. https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Can I recommend this?
Might I suggest this book?
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitiv...
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitiv...
Unfortunately you don’t control your sister. In all honesty no one really controls anything except how we respond. We don’t control how people view us, our emotions, and shit we don’t really even control the thoughts that pop in and out of our heads. We only control how we respond to it all. We can let are feelings and thoughts run wild or we can stop giving them all our power.
That being said we cannot own others people behavior either. People need to fuck up to learn that’s literally how learning takes place, trial and error. I have a 16 year old son. He refuses to listen to anything I have to say and thinks he already knows everything. There isn’t shit I can do about it, but hope when he falls on his face the landing isn’t concrete. You’re extremely young and your brain isn’t completely developed just yet. prospective is something that you’ll struggle with until your brain hits that final level. The same can be said of your sister. We all make mistakes and we must be allowed to in order to gain wisdom.
Take it for what it’s worth but I would suggest reading the subtle art of not giving a fuck and/or everything’s fucked both by Mark Manson. I really wish you the best
If your hesitation is because you're worried about it going wrong, you might like this book: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Reminds me of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck"
Boy do I have a book for you:
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
So, we have an enlarged amygdala because of our thinking. Our ancestors learned to fear everything, this caused the over evolution of it. So yes evolution is environment and biological mixed, you can’t have one without the other. The first single called organisms that sensed light (from the environment), did better than those that didn’t. However if there wasn’t any light they wouldn’t have. If we as a people all started working on neocortex growth this would eventually trickle down. The biggest issues in our society are caused by our failure to evolve as quickly as our society has. We no longer have to fear lions, triggers, and bears, but our amygdala is operating on this old fear system.
However we very much can learn to chill the fuck out, and it starts with addressing our thoughts. The best way to do this is through mindfulness. I personally have in depth understanding of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and mix it with mindfulness. It work so well I wanted to learn where mindfulness originated from. This lead me to Zen. So I would recommend anything mindfulness related to start you on your path. Crazy enough you’ve already been exposed to it through some of the red pill (they are good about using wisdom from others and dressing it up like there own). Two really good books are the subtle art of not giving a fuck and everything is fucked both are by Mark Manson. He is very good at mixing eastern philosophy and psychology in a way that makes it very understandable.
You seem to view her as an extension of yourself and your own status. This is faulty logic. She (like you) are complete and whole on your own. See in life when it comes to sexual relationships we have three choices. Don’t have any experience, have an in depth experience, or have a breath of experiences. None is better or worse than another, they are just different. Choose going alone and you avoid having to ever compromise anything but you’ll always feel like an outsider on some level. Choose an in-depth experience and you lose out on variety and can get boring, but you have a real chance at true intimacy (I say chance because a lot of relationships don’t make it, because it can take 15-30 years to get there). Lastly choosing a breath lets you have a lot of experience and never gets boring, but you have no chance at true intimacy.
So for most of human history women were only allowed to choose between no experience or in-depth. This lead to a lot of suicide, early death etc. Now women are as free as men, but unfortunately not all men have evolved past women being property or just an extension of self. They can’t see that everyone is playing their own game.
I use the analogy of broad games. Everyone is playing their own board game and thinks everyone else is playing the same one. However they aren’t we are all playing different ones, and can never see others persons game. So say your playing monopoly and I am playing chess. I look over at you and get mad that your not moving your pieces like chess, your not playing by my rules. Yet how could you? Your playing a totally different game. This is the truth of everyone no matter how much you love them or how long you’ve been together. I am my husband are playing different games and that just fine as long as I respect his, and he mine.
Having multiple partners isn’t god or bad. It’s just having more partners. What I mean is do you like your girlfriend now? Because if you do you must thank all her past experiences, sexual or not. This is because we’re all just our accumulation of our past experiences. You take away any experience you change the person.
I would humbly suggest you start viewing your girlfriend as a complete person worthy of love and respect like we all our regardless of past. Also stop putting your worth in external things like status, ideas, beliefs. I am no less worthy of my husbands love because of my past. He still loves me and see me as equals because he respects my humanness. He doesn’t believe my past has any bearing on our future (because it doesn’t). He especially does not see me as an extension of himself.
Try the books they can really help.
after the last 2 episodes I started " The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck"
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
I would recommend giving this a read: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_3?crid=1RMBFCYGYWLFK&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f---+mark+manson&qid=1558913677&s=gateway&sprefix=the+subtle+%2Caps%2C128&sr=8-3
However, most of the positivity and optimism that I've gained over the last few months was due to recovering from heartbreak. Did a lot of soul searching and introspective work to figure things out for myself (as well as seeking out therapy). So, everything I've learned has been a mixed bag. What I can say to you is that you yourself, as a person, no matter how you view yourself, how you think people may see you, are enough. More than enough. Whatever little thing you do in your day to day has impact on the world around you. You may not know it, believe it, or even be aware of it but, it has worth. Remember, every footstep always makes an impression in the ground.
I suggest you read this book:
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_GGLPCbKY1PAR4
You look like the kind of guy I would be happy to have date my teen daughter. You appear kind and respectful. 16 sucks for just about everyone, it will get better and you will live your dreams. Just don’t give up and you’ll see- this life has a lot to offer you.
With maturity comes an ever increasing ability to not give a fuck what other people think of you. In fact, do you like to read? Check out this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Good luck son, you’re gonna do great. ❤️
Edit: You are certainly not a Luzer and might I suggest you make a new username so as not to reinforce that idea in your mind. You want to try to focus on positive things about yourself, not drill home the negative things your brain invents.
If you self harm because people make fun of you, you should probably get help. I can recommend this book.
I think you know the answer, but don't allow yourself to act on it. You're afraid of committing to something you don't have control over. You're afraid of negative emotions, because you don't know how to deal with them. Your plan right now is to adjust your life to avoid negative events and emotions, instead of learning how to deal with them.
Thing is, whether it's in love or something else, like losing someone to sickness or death, or losing your job, you won't be able to escape having to deal with heartbreaks.
The only way to deal with heartbreak is by experiencing it. By knowing life will go on and achievable, even if the mountain in front of you seems insurmountable.
You could see a therapist like somebody else suggested. Some self-improvement books might help you. I suggest reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.
Some advice I can give myself is to start putting things in perspective. How does something affect you in the long run? How does it affect you in a week, a year or a decade? Look at the bigger picture and things become relative. Get yourself to think everything is a moment to learn from, to shape you to be a better person.
Also, if your happiness depends on needing someone else, something is wrong. You should be happy in life regardless of being with someone. I know that's hard to achieve, but it's definitely not impossible if you keep working on it.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_oNgvCbKRPADN3
I thought this was a great book!