She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

Author: Ian Kerner
All Reddit 195
This Year Reddit 69
This Month Reddit 9

About This Book

As women everywhere will attest, men are "ill-cliterate." Most guys know more about what's under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. But in the world of She Comes First, the mystery of female satisfaction is solved and the tongue is proven mightier than the sword. According to sex therapist (and evangelist of the female orgasm) Ian Kerner, oral sex isn't just foreplay, it's coreplay: simply the best way to lead a woman through the entire process of arousal time and time again. Can you say "viva la vulva"?

Fun and informative, She Comes First is a virtual encyclopedia of female pleasure, detailing dozens of tried-and-true techniques for consistently satisfying a woman and ensuring that sexual fulfillment is mutual.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)


Review Date:


by TantraGirl   2018-03-19

Well it's the time of year when many people are headed back to school, so give him a copy of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman , by Ian Kerner.

Remind him that even experts need to continue studying to keep their skills up to par. Tell him that this is his mandatory continuing education course for the year, and that he needs to study -- and practice a lot! -- because there WILL be a final exam.

For advanced study, get the app from, go through all the sections yourself, and then give it to him with tips on which sections you want him to learn.

Or, if you want to go beyond remediation, here's a more general curriculum: Better Sex 101. You can skip the first two articles and hopefully the two about vaginal pain as well, but the rest of the articles are solid gold, with lots of links to other resources. Read them together and discuss them. I guarantee you'll both learn a lot that will help make sex better.

Here's hoping he gets into the back-to-school spirit!

by LarperPro   2018-03-19

Is this /r/psychology or /r/clickbait?

The surprising truths are:

  • women whose partners engage in cunnilingus are more sexually satisfied.

  • Men actually do want to eat pussy but women think they don't want to or it's "abnormal".

  • media negatively affects our sex life by portraying sex incorrectly.

I can't recommend She Comes First enough, a book about why cunnilingus is the ultimate activity for helping women achieve orgasm.

by catharticwhoosh   2018-03-19

I've read through all these comments and your clarifications so far. Having been through his situation I'd say the tears are much more damaging than some give them credit for. He doesn't want to damage you emotionally. It makes a man feel like a failure (no man at all) and an abusive monster. I'm not overstating that.

When he says he is working on it that probably means he is working on his mindset - trying to convince himself he is not a failure. This is where masterbation helps. He can still get hard. That's a success. It also happens to make him less likely to get hard for you on short notice, but that's not the thought in the forefront of his mind. Getting hard is.

He is also assessing whether he is abusive to you. In his mind he abused you as many times as his non-performance has made you cry. How does a man get over that except by becoming convinced those were worthless tears. If they were worthless then how many of your tears have also been worthless? If any then are tears a manipulation? How many times has he been manipulated with tears? I'm not asking you, I'm just telling you the thoughts that went through my head when it happened to me.

When he said he is working on it these are the kinds of things he is mentally chewing on. As you can see though there are no answers short of reading each other's minds. Nonetheless it counts as "working on it". I give him the benefit of the doubt.

What I respond to when this happens is play (as someone else suggested). Head, hands, anything but PIV because PIV is "performance". Let him learn cunnilingus - really learn it . You can similarly study your arts. At some point PIV will follow. Also, if it is play you may find your tears don't appear because it just isn't that serious. The key for me at the time was to remove the "performance" part because that makes failure a possiblility.

While you're at it do get him checked by a doctor. Many men need a glaring reason to go get checked out and this is an opportunity to get it done whether there is a medical issue or not.

I'm probably going to get skewered by the veterans of this subreddit. This is my first post in it and I have similar issues but these are the things that worked for me, for as long as they lasted.

by TantraGirl   2018-02-16

I'm not sure what post you meant, but the r/sex Wiki has an excellent collection of articles on Oral Sex Techniques, including 8 articles and threads specifically about cunnilingus. The one you're looking for might be one of these.

Next, seriously consider getting the very best book on the subject:

One important point Kerner makes is that fingers are at least as important as lips and tongues, so don't limit yourself to JUST oral. Clitoral massage is a skill you'll always be glad to have, especially if you're with a woman who dislikes oral. (Yes, there are some. Quite a few in fact.)

And finally, here's a 5-part guide to yoni massage, also from Shakti:

I hope this helps. If you do find the one you're thinking about, please post it here so I can add it to my list!

by dynamicdylan   2018-02-16

You should try giving this book a read and asking your partner if she is willing to take an afternoon to see what feels best for both of you.

by Emack76   2018-02-16

Get a copy of She comes first . It's a fun read and it might help you solve your riddle. Fake it until you make it!!!

by whiskey_pants   2018-02-16

Have you seen a doctor? There are steroid creams that can help loosen the foreskin. Were you retractable before and then developed phimosis, or is it merely that the foreskin is still attached? If it's still attached, having sex may loosen it, but it is possible to have sex with the foreskin still adhered.

For me this would have been no worry when I was young. I can't say how other young women might respond, but I do not recall anyone taking any issue with a man being a virgin when I was in your age range. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself. Fordyce spots aren't rare and there are creams you can get if they bother you. It's just excess sebum, something your skin is supposed to make anyway as a way to keep itself hydrated and healthy. There is nothing wrong with fordyce spots other than if you don't prefer how they look.

If you want to feel more confident try reading She Comes First . It is a great reference to learning how to give pleasure to a woman and will help you overcome the areas where you are lacking confidence by giving you a better idea of what feels great to ladies and why.

by TantraGirl   2018-02-16

About 70% of the women who can have orgasms on their own can't have them during regular sex unless they also get a lot of clitoral stimulation.

I punched my v-card at 15, and from then to 23 I had a lot of sex, but I never once had an orgasm with a man until after I met my husband. He and I are now really well-matched in the libido department, but one reason we stay that way is that we took the time together to figure out my body and how to make sex amazing for me.

Some of the things that really helped...

  • We did Sensate Focus Therapy every week for five months, and did a number of other things that are recommended for helping women become more orgasmic. (See below for details.)

  • We incorporated sensual massage into foreplay and fingers and vibrators into foreplay and normal sex.

  • We became a lot less PIV-centric and started spending much more time on massage, oral, and other kinds of foreplay and sex.

  • He learned to "edge" me, getting me near the brink and then delaying my orgasm as long as possible. This takes all the pressure off and completely changes the dynamic from "am I taking too long?" to "OMG, that feels incredible!" And the orgasms are much longer and more intense when you finally get there.

Let me start you off with four books and two book-sized websites:

Also, my answer to a post at the start of the year has links to other articles that are related to orgasm problems: How to let go and O already?.

One last tip: if you've been slacking off on exercise, hit the gym! There's a clear correlation for women between exercise and the ability to orgasm. This seems to be especially true for strength training activities like Pilates and CrossFit.

Best of luck!

by ShaktiAmarantha   2018-02-16

The top libido killers are

  • psychological problems, especially stress, anxiety, and depression

  • medications (including OTC and recreational drugs)

  • poor sleep, lack of exercise, weight gain or loss, thyroid problems, and other health and fitness issues

  • unrewarding sex that doesn't get better

  • falling out of love/lust with one's partner

You two need to have a long talk, in a quiet, unstressed time and place, and really put on your detective hats and figure out what's going on here. If stress is the problem, for example, working on stress management can create a dramatic turnaround, but it's not going to help much if the main cause of the libido loss is something else.

If talking it out yourselves doesn't work, see if she will go to counseling with you. Sometimes a good counselor can open up the blocked channels of communication.

If she's willing, it's also a good idea for her to get a thorough physical exam and have a discussion of the libido issue with her doctor.

On stress, remember that any major life change, even a positive one, can add to chronic stress. A new job, a promotion, moving to a new place, moving in with another person -- all of these can be as stressful as getting fired or losing a pet or close friend. So look back over the last year at major changes in her life.

One under-recognized source of libido trouble is dysthymia, aka persistent depressive disorder (PDD), a kind of chronic depression that is like a gradual, long-term decline in the ability to experience pleasure. The danger here is that if she gets a diagnosis of dysthymia, her doctor may put her on an antidepressant that reduces her libido even more. (The most effective treatment for dysthymia is MBCT or some other form of cognitive therapy, plus a program of regular vigorous exercise, but psychiatrists are much more likely to prescribe an SSRI antidepressant, in spite of the evidence that they often do more harm than good and make libido problems much worse.)

A wide range of meds can cause loss of libido in some people, including OTC drugs (e.g., decongestants and allergy pills) that you would never suspect because so many people take them without problems. It's a good idea to google the side-effects of EVERYTHING she ingests regularly. SSRI antidepressants are the top offenders. If she's on one of those, see if she can taper off or get her doctor to switch her to Wellbutrin, an NRI antidepressant that often increases libido instead of reducing it.

The heavy demands of work or school and the hurried pace of everyday life also lead many people to cut corners on sleep and exercise. But doing that can directly reduce libido and also make you much more vulnerable to anxiety, dysthymia, and depression. If that's what has happened here, getting enough good sleep and getting really serious about a good, vigorous fitness program can do more for mental health in general – and libido in particular – than almost anything else.

Unrewarding sex is another very common libido problem in relationships, especially for women. The initial excitement of sex with a new partner wears off, and is not replaced by sustained sensual pleasure. Often neither partner has a clue as to what is missing. The man is baffled, because what seemed to work well in the past no longer does, and the woman has no clue what to ask for, because she's never had good sex in a long-enduring relationship and doesn't know what's missing. Gradually she gives up hope and stops anticipating sex as anything that might be enjoyable.

The most effective therapy for couples who have lost their physical connection is called Sensate Focus Therapy (SFT). That's what a sex therapist would most likely prescribe, but you can do it on your own.

There's too much to cover on this subject for one comment, so instead I'm going to echo TantraGirl's recommendation that you take a look at the post called A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex. It includes instructions for things like SFT and sensual massage, as well as links to many other books and resources that people have found helpful.

In particular, I suggest the following: "Better Sex 101," the two massage reviews, "How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic," the OMG Yes!! review, "Stress and Arousal," and "Escaping a Dead Bedroom."

I also recommend three books:

Best wishes to both of you on figuring this out!

by Emack76   2017-12-06

Buy a copy of this book and read it together. Then try some things.

Then, just for the fun of it, get this book too and explore some more.

Have fun!