She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

Author: Ian Kerner
All Reddit 195
This Year Reddit 33
This Month Reddit 9

About This Book

As women everywhere will attest, men are "ill-cliterate." Most guys know more about what's under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. But in the world of She Comes First, the mystery of female satisfaction is solved and the tongue is proven mightier than the sword. According to sex therapist (and evangelist of the female orgasm) Ian Kerner, oral sex isn't just foreplay, it's coreplay: simply the best way to lead a woman through the entire process of arousal time and time again. Can you say "viva la vulva"?

Fun and informative, She Comes First is a virtual encyclopedia of female pleasure, detailing dozens of tried-and-true techniques for consistently satisfying a woman and ensuring that sexual fulfillment is mutual.


by TantraGirl   2018-02-16

I'm not sure what post you meant, but the r/sex Wiki has an excellent collection of articles on Oral Sex Techniques, including 8 articles and threads specifically about cunnilingus. The one you're looking for might be one of these.

Next, seriously consider getting the very best book on the subject:

One important point Kerner makes is that fingers are at least as important as lips and tongues, so don't limit yourself to JUST oral. Clitoral massage is a skill you'll always be glad to have, especially if you're with a woman who dislikes oral. (Yes, there are some. Quite a few in fact.)

And finally, here's a 5-part guide to yoni massage, also from Shakti:

I hope this helps. If you do find the one you're thinking about, please post it here so I can add it to my list!

by dynamicdylan   2018-02-16

You should try giving this book a read and asking your partner if she is willing to take an afternoon to see what feels best for both of you.

by Emack76   2018-02-16

Get a copy of She comes first . It's a fun read and it might help you solve your riddle. Fake it until you make it!!!

by whiskey_pants   2018-02-16

Have you seen a doctor? There are steroid creams that can help loosen the foreskin. Were you retractable before and then developed phimosis, or is it merely that the foreskin is still attached? If it's still attached, having sex may loosen it, but it is possible to have sex with the foreskin still adhered.

For me this would have been no worry when I was young. I can't say how other young women might respond, but I do not recall anyone taking any issue with a man being a virgin when I was in your age range. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself. Fordyce spots aren't rare and there are creams you can get if they bother you. It's just excess sebum, something your skin is supposed to make anyway as a way to keep itself hydrated and healthy. There is nothing wrong with fordyce spots other than if you don't prefer how they look.

If you want to feel more confident try reading She Comes First . It is a great reference to learning how to give pleasure to a woman and will help you overcome the areas where you are lacking confidence by giving you a better idea of what feels great to ladies and why.

by TantraGirl   2018-02-16

About 70% of the women who can have orgasms on their own can't have them during regular sex unless they also get a lot of clitoral stimulation.

I punched my v-card at 15, and from then to 23 I had a lot of sex, but I never once had an orgasm with a man until after I met my husband. He and I are now really well-matched in the libido department, but one reason we stay that way is that we took the time together to figure out my body and how to make sex amazing for me.

Some of the things that really helped...

  • We did Sensate Focus Therapy every week for five months, and did a number of other things that are recommended for helping women become more orgasmic. (See below for details.)

  • We incorporated sensual massage into foreplay and fingers and vibrators into foreplay and normal sex.

  • We became a lot less PIV-centric and started spending much more time on massage, oral, and other kinds of foreplay and sex.

  • He learned to "edge" me, getting me near the brink and then delaying my orgasm as long as possible. This takes all the pressure off and completely changes the dynamic from "am I taking too long?" to "OMG, that feels incredible!" And the orgasms are much longer and more intense when you finally get there.

Let me start you off with four books and two book-sized websites:

Also, my answer to a post at the start of the year has links to other articles that are related to orgasm problems: How to let go and O already?.

One last tip: if you've been slacking off on exercise, hit the gym! There's a clear correlation for women between exercise and the ability to orgasm. This seems to be especially true for strength training activities like Pilates and CrossFit.

Best of luck!

by ShaktiAmarantha   2018-02-16

The top libido killers are

  • psychological problems, especially stress, anxiety, and depression

  • medications (including OTC and recreational drugs)

  • poor sleep, lack of exercise, weight gain or loss, thyroid problems, and other health and fitness issues

  • unrewarding sex that doesn't get better

  • falling out of love/lust with one's partner

You two need to have a long talk, in a quiet, unstressed time and place, and really put on your detective hats and figure out what's going on here. If stress is the problem, for example, working on stress management can create a dramatic turnaround, but it's not going to help much if the main cause of the libido loss is something else.

If talking it out yourselves doesn't work, see if she will go to counseling with you. Sometimes a good counselor can open up the blocked channels of communication.

If she's willing, it's also a good idea for her to get a thorough physical exam and have a discussion of the libido issue with her doctor.

On stress, remember that any major life change, even a positive one, can add to chronic stress. A new job, a promotion, moving to a new place, moving in with another person -- all of these can be as stressful as getting fired or losing a pet or close friend. So look back over the last year at major changes in her life.

One under-recognized source of libido trouble is dysthymia, aka persistent depressive disorder (PDD), a kind of chronic depression that is like a gradual, long-term decline in the ability to experience pleasure. The danger here is that if she gets a diagnosis of dysthymia, her doctor may put her on an antidepressant that reduces her libido even more. (The most effective treatment for dysthymia is MBCT or some other form of cognitive therapy, plus a program of regular vigorous exercise, but psychiatrists are much more likely to prescribe an SSRI antidepressant, in spite of the evidence that they often do more harm than good and make libido problems much worse.)

A wide range of meds can cause loss of libido in some people, including OTC drugs (e.g., decongestants and allergy pills) that you would never suspect because so many people take them without problems. It's a good idea to google the side-effects of EVERYTHING she ingests regularly. SSRI antidepressants are the top offenders. If she's on one of those, see if she can taper off or get her doctor to switch her to Wellbutrin, an NRI antidepressant that often increases libido instead of reducing it.

The heavy demands of work or school and the hurried pace of everyday life also lead many people to cut corners on sleep and exercise. But doing that can directly reduce libido and also make you much more vulnerable to anxiety, dysthymia, and depression. If that's what has happened here, getting enough good sleep and getting really serious about a good, vigorous fitness program can do more for mental health in general – and libido in particular – than almost anything else.

Unrewarding sex is another very common libido problem in relationships, especially for women. The initial excitement of sex with a new partner wears off, and is not replaced by sustained sensual pleasure. Often neither partner has a clue as to what is missing. The man is baffled, because what seemed to work well in the past no longer does, and the woman has no clue what to ask for, because she's never had good sex in a long-enduring relationship and doesn't know what's missing. Gradually she gives up hope and stops anticipating sex as anything that might be enjoyable.

The most effective therapy for couples who have lost their physical connection is called Sensate Focus Therapy (SFT). That's what a sex therapist would most likely prescribe, but you can do it on your own.

There's too much to cover on this subject for one comment, so instead I'm going to echo TantraGirl's recommendation that you take a look at the post called A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex. It includes instructions for things like SFT and sensual massage, as well as links to many other books and resources that people have found helpful.

In particular, I suggest the following: "Better Sex 101," the two massage reviews, "How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic," the OMG Yes!! review, "Stress and Arousal," and "Escaping a Dead Bedroom."

I also recommend three books:

Best wishes to both of you on figuring this out!

by Emack76   2017-12-06

Buy a copy of this book and read it together. Then try some things.

Then, just for the fun of it, get this book too and explore some more.

Have fun!

by Squirrelmunk   2017-12-06

Communicate clearly. Body language is confusing: Use your words. Before you begin, discuss and lay out each of your boundaries. When you want to try something new, ask.

If you fear asking a bunch of questions makes you less masculine or dominant, phrase your questions as statements. For example, instead of saying, "Can I kiss your neck?" you can say, "I'd really like to kiss your neck." Then wait. Don't kiss her neck yet. If she responds positively and enthusiastically, kiss her neck. If she responds negatively, don't kiss her neck. And the most important part: if her response is ambiguous, hesitant, or unenthusiastic, do not kiss her neck.

With 6" of girth, you need custom-sized condoms. Get MyOne/TheyFit or MySize. Magnums are not enough.

Learn how to eat pussy. The first time I ate a girl out, I studied this guide .

You need to know when your girl is ready for penetration: Measure the circumference of your dick. Then measure your fingers to figure out how many roughly equal the circumference of your dick. Until she can easily take this many fingers, Do. Not. Fuck. Her.

This will spare her the pain of getting your dick stuffed into her when she's not sufficiently dilated or wet. And a girl who associates your dick with pain is not a girl who will be keen to have sex with you again.

by Emack76   2017-12-06

It can vary a lot from woman to woman. I often advocate for this book when someone is looking for instruction or tips/tricks. The author documents several of those.

My lady loves a thorough licking of all her parts (ass too) to start with. Everything I can reach. As time goes on I'll hone in on her clit more and more. Sometimes I'll suck it in just a bit and focus attention there. Other times all around it, left to right, up and down. Shake my head lightly and moan.

It also depends on what she's in the mood for. Yesterday I went down on her twice and both times was quite a bit different. The first time a gentle licking sent her to shivers within a few minutes. The second time it was with more intense pressure coupled with a vigorous finger-fucking and it took me almost 20 minutes to find out what would trip her trigger.

by volkl47   2017-08-19

Go read She Comes First by Ian Kerner.