She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

Author: Ian Kerner
All Reddit 195
This Year Reddit 69
This Month Reddit 7

About This Book

As women everywhere will attest, men are "ill-cliterate." Most guys know more about what's under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. But in the world of She Comes First, the mystery of female satisfaction is solved and the tongue is proven mightier than the sword. According to sex therapist (and evangelist of the female orgasm) Ian Kerner, oral sex isn't just foreplay, it's coreplay: simply the best way to lead a woman through the entire process of arousal time and time again. Can you say "viva la vulva"?

Fun and informative, She Comes First is a virtual encyclopedia of female pleasure, detailing dozens of tried-and-true techniques for consistently satisfying a woman and ensuring that sexual fulfillment is mutual.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)


Review Date:


by TantraGirl   2018-11-10

Even though the clit is more important for most of us, a lot of guys don't know that. They're taught by porn and other stuff that women orgasm mainly from penetration. It doesn't help that a lot of girls fake orgasms all the time. Your guy has probably gotten reinforcement for what he's doing from previous GFs, so he thinks he's doing it right.

I got trapped in that whole cycle for years, faking it and never telling guys what I actually wanted. I think a lot of the problem is that we are having sex with guys we barely know, so we're afraid to talk honestly with them and they're afraid to ask.

I got out of that trap because my husband and I were already best friends and a really good problem-solving team at work for a year before we started dating. And the difference that made was huge. The sex at the start was actually pretty bad, but he was upfront about asking me how we could make it better. And I knew I could trust him, so I never even thought about lying to him.

Instead we did a lot of research and we experimented with all kinds of things until we found out what worked best for both of us. As a result we're both having the best sex of our lives. And, just as important, the process really strengthened that bond of trust and intimacy between us.

I know it's going to feel awkward to take the first step, but I really encourage you to do it. As others have said, you can start by using your hands to guide his hand and fingers to where you want them. But at some point you guys probably need to have a talk when you're not in the middle of having sex, either away from the bedroom, or during after-sex cuddles.

I'm notoriously bad at being subtle, but if I were in your shoes, I'd start it off by talking about the bigger problem, which is that neither of you feel like you can be open about discussing sex. He's never asked you what you like, what works best, or how this or that touch feels. And you haven't felt that you could tell him what you want or ask him what he wants.

So, maybe something like this:

"Hey, you know we're kind of at that awkward new-couple stage where I'm trying to guess what you want and you're trying to guess what I want, and we're trying to fumble our way around until we get it right. And I was wondering how you'd feel about just jumping ahead to where we can actually talk about sex and figure out what works best for both of us."

"Um, yeah I guess so. Like what?"

"Well, I think it's really hard for new couples because people differ so much in what they need. Like, some women can have an orgasm just from penetration, but most women can't. And some women love oral, but others hate it and need something completely different. There's one online tutorial that shows dozens of different ways to finger a woman's clit, but most women only respond well to a few of them, but it's a different for each person.

"I think that's true of guys, too, and I don't know what you really like. I'd love to be able to just talk about it, and maybe we could show each other what turns us on the most."

Hopefully, that would break the ice and lead to much more openness, not just about the fingering issue, but about an even bigger problem:

> I’d prefer if he’d just go down on me every time but it seems like he likes fingering me a lot.

It seems to me that getting to the point where you can tell him exactly that is more important than getting him to finger your clit just right (even though that's important too!).

If he seems receptive, and even relieved to be able to talk about sex, you could also think about giving him a couple of presents that will help the process. Here's a review of that online tutorial I mentioned: OMG Yes!!!. A subscription costs $39, but it's well worth it. You can go through it first, and figure out which ones to tell him to focus on. (You'll also probably find some things you've never tried that turn out to feel really good! :)

The other option is a book that's a top recommendation on SexOver30 whenever this comes up: Ian Kerner's She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. Again, you'll want to read it too, because it describes different alternatives that different women like, and you'll want to be able to say "yes," "no," or "let's try it!" to each one he asks about.

On the broader subject of better sex for both of you, that review of OMGYes!!! is from a favorite blog that is written by one of our mods. Last year I put together an index of the best articles for couples, called A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex. I really recommend following the links and reading the relevant articles. You'll find lots of ideas about how how you can reciprocate and get better at pleasing him, as well as a lot of great ideas for both of you as a couple.

Good luck! I hope you're able to get him trained right! :)

by Squirrelmunk   2018-11-10

Communicate clearly. Body language is confusing: Use your words. Before you begin, discuss and lay out each of your boundaries. When you want to try something new, ask.

If you fear asking a bunch of questions makes you less masculine or dominant, phrase your questions as statements. For example, instead of saying, "Can I kiss your neck?" you can say, "I'd really like to kiss your neck." Then wait. Don't kiss her neck yet. If she responds positively and enthusiastically, kiss her neck. If she responds negatively, don't kiss her neck. And the most important part: If her response is ambiguous, hesitant, or unenthusiastic, do not kiss her neck.

Learn how to eat pussy. The first time I ate a girl out, I studied this guide .

You need to know when your girl is ready for penetration: Measure the circumference of your dick. Then measure your fingers to figure out how many roughly equal the circumference of your dick. Until she can easily take this many fingers, Do. Not. Fuck. Her.

This will spare her the pain of getting your dick stuffed into her when she's not sufficiently dilated or wet. And a girl who associates your dick with pain is not a girl who will be keen to have sex with you again.

At 5.7" in circumference, you should get custom-sized condoms. Check out MyOne/TheyFit and MySize. Unfortunately, they won't arrive by Monday, so for now you'll have to make due with what you can get at the drug store.

by nastyamerican   2018-11-10

There’s a lot of resources out there. In addition to books many sex shops in big cities have great educational workshops. Look them up!

Red Hot Touch: A head-to-toe handbook for mind-blowing orgasms [Paperback]

Guide To Getting It On: Unzipped

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

Behind Closed Doors

This one is written for women by a woman.

The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure [ULTIMATE GT CUNNILINGUS -OS]

by reluctantly_msonly   2018-11-10

It's complicated, and there are 2 different kinds. Voluntary and involuntary. The pop-culture idea is that an orgasm which results in female ejaculation must be stronger than one which doesn't, but that's not the case. Whenever you hear about people talking about the ejaculate being pee, they're generally talking about the voluntary kind.

That's all I feel comfortable saying--this is based off of memory from "[ "--the first half of the book is an in-depth anatomy lesson with different sources.

by jwes210   2018-11-10

Sooo.... Ian Kerner a Sex Researcher/Therapist of 30ish years wrote a book specifically about this topic and skill and has amazing theory and a ton of techniques with guides and photos, etc. It’s called She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

by no_condoments   2018-11-10

You're gonna need to do some studying. You can start with "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman"

by TantraGirl   2018-03-19

Well it's the time of year when many people are headed back to school, so give him a copy of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman , by Ian Kerner.

Remind him that even experts need to continue studying to keep their skills up to par. Tell him that this is his mandatory continuing education course for the year, and that he needs to study -- and practice a lot! -- because there WILL be a final exam.

For advanced study, get the app from, go through all the sections yourself, and then give it to him with tips on which sections you want him to learn.

Or, if you want to go beyond remediation, here's a more general curriculum: Better Sex 101. You can skip the first two articles and hopefully the two about vaginal pain as well, but the rest of the articles are solid gold, with lots of links to other resources. Read them together and discuss them. I guarantee you'll both learn a lot that will help make sex better.

Here's hoping he gets into the back-to-school spirit!

by LarperPro   2018-03-19

Is this /r/psychology or /r/clickbait?

The surprising truths are:

  • women whose partners engage in cunnilingus are more sexually satisfied.

  • Men actually do want to eat pussy but women think they don't want to or it's "abnormal".

  • media negatively affects our sex life by portraying sex incorrectly.

I can't recommend She Comes First enough, a book about why cunnilingus is the ultimate activity for helping women achieve orgasm.

by catharticwhoosh   2018-03-19

I've read through all these comments and your clarifications so far. Having been through his situation I'd say the tears are much more damaging than some give them credit for. He doesn't want to damage you emotionally. It makes a man feel like a failure (no man at all) and an abusive monster. I'm not overstating that.

When he says he is working on it that probably means he is working on his mindset - trying to convince himself he is not a failure. This is where masterbation helps. He can still get hard. That's a success. It also happens to make him less likely to get hard for you on short notice, but that's not the thought in the forefront of his mind. Getting hard is.

He is also assessing whether he is abusive to you. In his mind he abused you as many times as his non-performance has made you cry. How does a man get over that except by becoming convinced those were worthless tears. If they were worthless then how many of your tears have also been worthless? If any then are tears a manipulation? How many times has he been manipulated with tears? I'm not asking you, I'm just telling you the thoughts that went through my head when it happened to me.

When he said he is working on it these are the kinds of things he is mentally chewing on. As you can see though there are no answers short of reading each other's minds. Nonetheless it counts as "working on it". I give him the benefit of the doubt.

What I respond to when this happens is play (as someone else suggested). Head, hands, anything but PIV because PIV is "performance". Let him learn cunnilingus - really learn it . You can similarly study your arts. At some point PIV will follow. Also, if it is play you may find your tears don't appear because it just isn't that serious. The key for me at the time was to remove the "performance" part because that makes failure a possiblility.

While you're at it do get him checked by a doctor. Many men need a glaring reason to go get checked out and this is an opportunity to get it done whether there is a medical issue or not.

I'm probably going to get skewered by the veterans of this subreddit. This is my first post in it and I have similar issues but these are the things that worked for me, for as long as they lasted.

by TantraGirl   2018-02-16

I'm not sure what post you meant, but the r/sex Wiki has an excellent collection of articles on Oral Sex Techniques, including 8 articles and threads specifically about cunnilingus. The one you're looking for might be one of these.

Next, seriously consider getting the very best book on the subject:

One important point Kerner makes is that fingers are at least as important as lips and tongues, so don't limit yourself to JUST oral. Clitoral massage is a skill you'll always be glad to have, especially if you're with a woman who dislikes oral. (Yes, there are some. Quite a few in fact.)

And finally, here's a 5-part guide to yoni massage, also from Shakti:

I hope this helps. If you do find the one you're thinking about, please post it here so I can add it to my list!