She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

Author: Ian Kerner
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About This Book

As women everywhere will attest, men are "ill-cliterate." Most guys know more about what's under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. But in the world of She Comes First, the mystery of female satisfaction is solved and the tongue is proven mightier than the sword. According to sex therapist (and evangelist of the female orgasm) Ian Kerner, oral sex isn't just foreplay, it's coreplay: simply the best way to lead a woman through the entire process of arousal time and time again. Can you say "viva la vulva"?

Fun and informative, She Comes First is a virtual encyclopedia of female pleasure, detailing dozens of tried-and-true techniques for consistently satisfying a woman and ensuring that sexual fulfillment is mutual.


by vrpc   2019-11-17

He needs to read a book.

by BourbonDippedCigar   2019-11-17

I have a gift suggestion for him: She Comes First

And one for you: He Comes Next

Just a couple steps toward a broader horizon...

by The_Struggle_Man   2019-11-17

Read a book, you'd be surprised.

Read "She comes first"

by TantraGirl   2019-08-24

We have a lot of really good articles in the SO30 Wiki on oral and manual technique. There's a ton of good stuff, but I especially recommend the handjob, bj, and massage articles in the "Sex Tips, Techniques, and Anatomy" section.

Next, these are a book and a website that are worth a small investment in helping you find good ways to get your wife off:

  • She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

  • OMG Yes!!!

My husband and I are huge fans of erotic massage and tantric sex -- basically, getting maximum pleasure, while also delaying orgasms and making them much more intense. I started out like your wife. I literally had never had an orgasm with any male partner before Hubs and I got serious about learning how to do this stuff.

I think it would help you both, and it's something you guys might find really appealing. The first link is a brief overview and the second leads to a complete tutorial for committed couples:

  • What is Tantric Sex?

  • Extraordinary Passion: The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex

You can also find a lot of good posts and discussions about learning and doing tantra at r/tantricsex.

I hope this helps. Happy exploring! :)

by angelcake   2019-08-24

Your wife needs to get her hormone levels checked. Low testosterone can impact a woman’s sex drive too. Also there’s a great book if you can find a copy, she comes first. It’s both thoughtful and funny.

by 2mas2esiguala5   2019-08-24

Read this book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) try not to focus so much on your penis giving her an orgasm. Let her cum first. You orgasming quickly doesn’t have to ruin your sex life. Just get creative, maybe bring in some toys for her? As far as the bdsm goes, work your way up to it. Start with finding what works for you guys and then find a way to discuss how you could slowly incorporate other things that may make her submissive. This doesn’t have to include heavy sadism on your part. It could be something as simple as you trying her hands to the headboard and going down on her and using some vibes. Get creative and talk to her, it sounds like you two have a wonderful relationship aside from this easy fix.

by Squirrelmunk   2019-07-21

> Thank you and by tight I mean she sometimes says it hurts when we have sex and I would consider myself below average (i think).

To be frank, there's a good chance this is more of a reflection of your foreplay skills than her tightness. Here's a good guide to eating pussy. For more in-depth instruction, read Ian Kerner's She Comes First.

Also, you should keep track of when your partner is ready for penetration: Measure the circumference of your dick. Then measure your fingers to figure out how many roughly equal the circumference of your dick. Until she can easily take this many fingers, don't try to penetrate her.

by Leathero   2019-07-21

If you want to read more, check out She Comes First by Ian Kerner. It's focused on oral sex techniques but has a lot of helpful information about the anatomy involved. It's also good to learn as much about giving good head as you can early on. You're young, start learning early and avoid falling into bad habits.

by LifeIsMyLover   2019-07-21

There’s an entire book written by a man dedicated solely to performing oral sex on a woman. It’s very tastefully (no pun intended) written and it would be an awesome read for you and your husband. She Comes First

by throwaway12throwaway   2019-07-21

Yes, this is referring to a book. I've read it. It goes through a lot of detail of female anatomy and female sexual response. Then it gets into some specific techniques for oral sex on women.

The book also recommends that the man provide the woman with an orgasm (or more) before having one himself. It sounds like you strongly agree with this approach, as do I.

However this is a subreddit that is all about sexual dysfunction or loss of desire. When you're not having any sex at all, someone stating that they have (at least) 3 orgasms per encounter is going to be a painful reminder of what you're missing.

In my case I used to be able to make my wife cum consistently from PIV, and she would have at least one orgasm before I did. Sometimes I could get her going into a sequence of multiples. But for reasons unexplained she decided that she doesn't enjoy sex and really never did. So now I have sex with someone else, and she gets to have one (or more) orgasms before I do.

by Sznajberg   2019-07-21

>( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)

That ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡° ) reminds me of another book

by scratchyNutz   2019-07-21
  1. Get this book.
  2. Read it from cover to cover.
  3. Read it again.
  4. Master it's contents.

It may take numerous attempts, don't stress it, you're young, you have plenty of time. It may be weeks, months or even years while she learns to relax enough to go with the flow, it's your responsibility to be patient and caring.

If she doesn't come from the techniques you've learned from it, it wont matter, she'll love you for making the effort.

by cloversnhearts   2019-01-13

Might check this out in the meantime... She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

by aradthrowawayacct   2019-01-13

I disagree. There's no reason he can't take it upon himself to learn now or to develop his "talent" with exploring all kinds of sex things with you to see what you both like. It's really not that hard.

One could even propose that if he were skilled (had "talent") or even attentive to you, he could have figured out that you weren't enjoying sex, not having orgasms, and decided to approach things differently to start exploring more.

The sex you describe sound terrible and it's not a surprise you don't enjoy it. Almost no one wants sex that's terrible for them, and many people are traumatized by it.

It is surprising that he didn't notice you don't enjoy it and didn't do anything to fix it, even AFTER you told him flat-out that you don't enjoy the sex because it's so one-sided.

I'm actually surprised he can enjoy sex when he knows it's not good for you and you don't like it. I sure wouldn't be able to enjoy sex with someone who wasn't enjoying it.

This is how sexual aversion develops, and that can be extremely hard to overcome because the damage is so great.

Is he your first sexual partner? Are you his first sexual partner? I guess if he's also very inexperienced, he doesn't know much about women's bodies or how to pleasure a woman in bed, but there's still no reason not to be open to exploring sex more, especially after one's partner has said they don't enjoy it.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner might be helpful, but he doesn't sound very open to exploring sex much at all, or care much about what you want, so I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope here. Sorry.

I'm going to tag u/myexsparamour because I know she'll have a lot of input into this situation...

by TantraGirl   2019-01-13

I'm a big believer that it's a shared responsibility both ways. I never had an orgasm with any of my BFs before I met my husband, even though my "N" is fairly high. Part of the reason was that, like you, I have low sensitivity. Even a solo orgasm with a strong vibrator took a lot of time. But a lot of it was that they didn't really care and I didn't know how to tell them what I wanted/needed.

What it made it work with Hubs was that we were already partners at work and best friends. He's an engineer, I'm a designer, and what we do best as a team is figure out how to make things work.

So research, experimentation, data gathering, and analysis come naturally to us. And when friendship turned into love, we applied those problem-solving skills to our sexual dysfunctions. (Basically, he came way too fast and I couldn't come at all.)

Two things helped both of us a tremendous amount: Sensate Focus Therapy and meditation. We also added sex toys to our standard activities and adopted Ian Kerner's rule (She Comes First ), meaning that in our normal sexy times, I always got at least one orgasm before PIV started.

He was always generous and enthusiastic about helping make that happen, but it never would have worked if I had just lain back and expected him to do all the work and take all the responsibility for "giving" me an orgasm.

We now regularly exchange erotic massages and do tantric sex on weekends, which we've found is a wonderful way to keep the sexual intensity high. And I've changed from a girl who couldn't come into one who has multiple orgasms during sex practically every time.

by TantraGirl   2018-11-10

Even though the clit is more important for most of us, a lot of guys don't know that. They're taught by porn and other stuff that women orgasm mainly from penetration. It doesn't help that a lot of girls fake orgasms all the time. Your guy has probably gotten reinforcement for what he's doing from previous GFs, so he thinks he's doing it right.

I got trapped in that whole cycle for years, faking it and never telling guys what I actually wanted. I think a lot of the problem is that we are having sex with guys we barely know, so we're afraid to talk honestly with them and they're afraid to ask.

I got out of that trap because my husband and I were already best friends and a really good problem-solving team at work for a year before we started dating. And the difference that made was huge. The sex at the start was actually pretty bad, but he was upfront about asking me how we could make it better. And I knew I could trust him, so I never even thought about lying to him.

Instead we did a lot of research and we experimented with all kinds of things until we found out what worked best for both of us. As a result we're both having the best sex of our lives. And, just as important, the process really strengthened that bond of trust and intimacy between us.

I know it's going to feel awkward to take the first step, but I really encourage you to do it. As others have said, you can start by using your hands to guide his hand and fingers to where you want them. But at some point you guys probably need to have a talk when you're not in the middle of having sex, either away from the bedroom, or during after-sex cuddles.

I'm notoriously bad at being subtle, but if I were in your shoes, I'd start it off by talking about the bigger problem, which is that neither of you feel like you can be open about discussing sex. He's never asked you what you like, what works best, or how this or that touch feels. And you haven't felt that you could tell him what you want or ask him what he wants.

So, maybe something like this:

"Hey, you know we're kind of at that awkward new-couple stage where I'm trying to guess what you want and you're trying to guess what I want, and we're trying to fumble our way around until we get it right. And I was wondering how you'd feel about just jumping ahead to where we can actually talk about sex and figure out what works best for both of us."

"Um, yeah I guess so. Like what?"

"Well, I think it's really hard for new couples because people differ so much in what they need. Like, some women can have an orgasm just from penetration, but most women can't. And some women love oral, but others hate it and need something completely different. There's one online tutorial that shows dozens of different ways to finger a woman's clit, but most women only respond well to a few of them, but it's a different for each person.

"I think that's true of guys, too, and I don't know what you really like. I'd love to be able to just talk about it, and maybe we could show each other what turns us on the most."

Hopefully, that would break the ice and lead to much more openness, not just about the fingering issue, but about an even bigger problem:

> I’d prefer if he’d just go down on me every time but it seems like he likes fingering me a lot.

It seems to me that getting to the point where you can tell him exactly that is more important than getting him to finger your clit just right (even though that's important too!).

If he seems receptive, and even relieved to be able to talk about sex, you could also think about giving him a couple of presents that will help the process. Here's a review of that online tutorial I mentioned: OMG Yes!!!. A subscription costs $39, but it's well worth it. You can go through it first, and figure out which ones to tell him to focus on. (You'll also probably find some things you've never tried that turn out to feel really good! :)

The other option is a book that's a top recommendation on SexOver30 whenever this comes up: Ian Kerner's She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. Again, you'll want to read it too, because it describes different alternatives that different women like, and you'll want to be able to say "yes," "no," or "let's try it!" to each one he asks about.

On the broader subject of better sex for both of you, that review of OMGYes!!! is from a favorite blog that is written by one of our mods. Last year I put together an index of the best articles for couples, called A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex. I really recommend following the links and reading the relevant articles. You'll find lots of ideas about how how you can reciprocate and get better at pleasing him, as well as a lot of great ideas for both of you as a couple.

Good luck! I hope you're able to get him trained right! :)

by Squirrelmunk   2018-11-10

Communicate clearly. Body language is confusing: Use your words. Before you begin, discuss and lay out each of your boundaries. When you want to try something new, ask.

If you fear asking a bunch of questions makes you less masculine or dominant, phrase your questions as statements. For example, instead of saying, "Can I kiss your neck?" you can say, "I'd really like to kiss your neck." Then wait. Don't kiss her neck yet. If she responds positively and enthusiastically, kiss her neck. If she responds negatively, don't kiss her neck. And the most important part: If her response is ambiguous, hesitant, or unenthusiastic, do not kiss her neck.

Learn how to eat pussy. The first time I ate a girl out, I studied this guide .

You need to know when your girl is ready for penetration: Measure the circumference of your dick. Then measure your fingers to figure out how many roughly equal the circumference of your dick. Until she can easily take this many fingers, Do. Not. Fuck. Her.

This will spare her the pain of getting your dick stuffed into her when she's not sufficiently dilated or wet. And a girl who associates your dick with pain is not a girl who will be keen to have sex with you again.

At 5.7" in circumference, you should get custom-sized condoms. Check out MyOne/TheyFit and MySize. Unfortunately, they won't arrive by Monday, so for now you'll have to make due with what you can get at the drug store.

by nastyamerican   2018-11-10

There’s a lot of resources out there. In addition to books many sex shops in big cities have great educational workshops. Look them up!

Red Hot Touch: A head-to-toe handbook for mind-blowing orgasms [Paperback]

Guide To Getting It On: Unzipped

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

Behind Closed Doors

This one is written for women by a woman.

The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure [ULTIMATE GT CUNNILINGUS -OS]

by reluctantly_msonly   2018-11-10

It's complicated, and there are 2 different kinds. Voluntary and involuntary. The pop-culture idea is that an orgasm which results in female ejaculation must be stronger than one which doesn't, but that's not the case. Whenever you hear about people talking about the ejaculate being pee, they're generally talking about the voluntary kind.

That's all I feel comfortable saying--this is based off of memory from "[ "--the first half of the book is an in-depth anatomy lesson with different sources.

by jwes210   2018-11-10

Sooo.... Ian Kerner a Sex Researcher/Therapist of 30ish years wrote a book specifically about this topic and skill and has amazing theory and a ton of techniques with guides and photos, etc. It’s called She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)