How to Win Friends & Influence People
I guess you need an example: A gentleman in my neighborhood had the city called on him for having too many boats in his yard. He's retired, buys old boats and guts them to fix other boats. He's been on his property for a LONG time. Longer than the people that ratted him out.
To protest this demand to remove his hobby from view he re-purposed 2 toilets into planters and placed him on the front of his driveway. Much less pleasing to look at than boats and perfectly legal. Being tacky isn't illegal.
So an acquaintance of mine was trying to sell a house in this neighborhood (surprisingly nice neighborhood $500k+ houses) and knocked on this guys door and asked "do you mind removing the toilets? I'm trying to sell a house down the street and everyone we show to keeps asking about them".
They were gone the next day. I then got a chance to talk to the old man with the boats. Super nice guy said he would have gladly cleaned up the yard the first time if someone had just asked instead of calling the city.
Also try reading this old beauty - How to Win Friends and Influence People - forced compliance is the absolute worst way to convince someone to do something.
TLDR: Don't be a passive aggressive asshole and everyone will be happier.
Rules for Aging: A Wry and Witty Guide to Life by Roger Rosenblatt
The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck
How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie
The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff
Desiderata by Max Ehrmann
15 things Kurt Vonnegut said better than anyone else ever has or will (be sure to read the whole thing)
Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young by Mary Schmich (don't take the title wrong)
later, it was time for https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0...
It's a classic for a reason.
Agreed with the quote; however, this looks like a situation we can change about ourselves.
I'll start reading this after my finals:
I've had some bad luck with friendship in that whenever I start to get really close with someone they end up moving to another city. I have a small group of friends now and my best friend is once again moving away and I realize that I really am needing some friends. I am a little awkward as well and it isn't easy. One thing that seems to be helping me lately is working out. I have started lifting weights for about 5 hours a week and its been about 3 months and I feel like a different person: more confident, more energy, and a strong desire to be around other people. I think one of the hardest parts to making friends is expressing confidence and not being afraid to go up to people and invite them to things. Pretty much every friend I've made since high school became my friend because they invited me to something and I said yes. It's never the other way around and I think that's something I need to change. So, my second piece of advice is to start inviting people to stuff. Just asking a coworker or aquintance to grab a beer is a great way to open up. Third, get used to rejection. My therapist even had me intentionally get rejected regularly to get used to it. For example, go into a store and ask if you could have an item for half off for no reason, and have them say no to you. It's super awkward and weird but you get used to it. Finally, you may want to work on social skills. Spend less time online, spend more time outside with others. Put yourself out there and get involved in a local charity, meet up, hobby, or other group. Maybe try reading some books on how to make friends. I've heard this one is great: https://toptalkedbooks.com/amzn/0671027034
Okay, so I hope that helps. I need to put this to practice myself because its time I learn how to initiate some friendships. Good luck! Like anything important in life, it takes work but if you are willing to put in the time it will happen.
One thing I'd like to add in addition to some of the great comments here: take for example the advice 'fake it before you make it.' When you start new habits that are contrary to beliefs you've held or the way you've done things before, it doesn't feel like you're being yourself. Right now this guy seems to think that being 'dogmatic' is being 'himself' and that being 'himself' is being annoying. You want to be cool and collected and listen to him, and only offer advice when he seeks it - but when he does, share that trying to be different and improve himself is obviously going to make him feel like he's not 'himself.' I once had a friend tell me that they'd prefer being 'honest' and not 'fake it until they make it' with a separate aspect of their life.
But it's better to 'fake it until you make it' because that's how you improve yourself. Your friend doesn't have to choose to not be a malleable personality; your friend doesn't have to choose to be someone who doesn't listen; your friend doesn't have to choose to be someone who doesn't learn from their mistakes. They can choose something else. A book you can recommend them is "How To Win Friends And Influence People" , as it's the kind of book that was written for the kind of person that your friend is. If they get defensive, tell them there's no shame in trying to improve themselves. But on your end, you need to actually be caring and not all like "I'm right and you're wrong and you should listen to me." That turns people off real quick.
>Well I don’t know how to create my own either
The point is to learn how to.
May I suggest: How to Win Friends and Influence People
Social Circle Game
And there are many books on the topic, like How to Win Friends and Influence People which can help guide your learning. I particularly like this book because it focuses on being a genuinely positive, kind, generous person, rather than using techniques like flattery and duplicity as some sales books recommend when relationship-building.
Charisma on Command channel for social skills. https://www.youtube.com/user/charismaoncommand
Personally I also really like a lot of the talks from Tony Robbins when it comes to emotional intelligence and personal psychology. I listen to them on youtube while I'm cleaning fairly often. He can be a bit over the top and rambly for some people though and I do disagree with some things. But it's a good starting point on what to think about.