>I read this yesterday and it terrified me. To the point where I considered dropping this whole MRP business and walking away, rather than facing my fear.
Congratulations on facing your fear. Do you want a medal or a chest to pin it on?
> So let's say you were starting a social life from scratch. Where would you begin?
I was at the gym a few weeks ago and a guy I know there told me it was his last day at the gym. He was still on linear progression and making great gains, so I asked him why. He told me that money was tight and his wife didn't want him to keep spending $35/month for a gym membership. Clearly she has his balls, money, and everything else. But as pathetic as he is, he still knows how to make friends.
I have another acquaintance that is the most beta man I can imagine. His first wife cheated on him. He still got divorce raped. He got married again. He didn't consummate his second marriage for nearly a year after the wedding. And he still managed to get divorce raped on that one too. Guess what? He still knows how to make friends.
No one is going to hold your hand on this.
I've moved cross country multiple times. Look for other people that are transplants (not from there). They are generally looking to expand their social circle more than those that have lived there for 20 years. Get to know your neighbors. Invite kids over from your pre-school. Talk to their parents. Host birthday parties. Swap baby-sitting with them. Go to church. Take classes in something. Use meetup.com. Be interesting.
> As far as future reading... I'm at a bit of a loss right now. Any suggestions?
All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten
> But as pathetic as he is, he still knows how to make friends.
> Guess what? He still knows how to make friends.
> No one is going to hold your hand on this.
Harsh but true. I'm feeling rather pathetic right now.
> Look for other people that are transplants (not from there). They are generally looking to expand their social circle more than those that have lived there for 20 years.
Lots and lots of transplants in my city, that shouldn't be too hard.
> Get to know your neighbors.
I've actually gotten quite good at avoiding our neighbors since moving into our house 1.5 years ago. I can count on one hand the number of interactions I've had with them. For the most part they seem older (50+), probably because it's the most expensive part of the community. Probably the easiest way to meet people, but probably not the kind of people I'm looking for.
> Invite kids over from your pre-school. Talk to their parents. Host birthday parties. Swap baby-sitting with them.
This is more promising. They would at least be around the right age and we have something in common. The issue here is that I rarely go to their school. My wife is a SAHM and handles the pickups and dropoffs. I'll need to find a way to get more involved.
> Go to church.
I'm atheist, but I suppose if I get desperate it could be a good way to meet people...
> Take classes in something. Use meetup.com. Be interesting.
I took language classes throughout my early 20's and met some great people that way. The issue here is time. I can barely find time to lift and I would categorize that as more important than doing things to meet people and become more interesting.
Reading back over the above, it looks like I just vomited out a bunch of excuses for how I'll never become more social. I have some major ego protection / fear avoidance going on here. Clearly I have more work to do on unfucking myself. My inner game is still pretty shit if I feel overwhelming anxiety about speaking with my neighbors.
> How about
Thanks, I'll start listening to this one. Somehow I missed it on the sidebar.
> All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten
Can't tell if you're serious or not. The book's description is very vague on Amazon.
I wasn’t joking, when someone threatens to hurt themselves I take it seriously. I really hope things will work out for you. I don’t think you are weird, and I am sure you’ll find love hopefully soon. A book that changed my life and may help you too is: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034/ref=nodl_
All the best!
It's a classic for a reason. Its a social engineers handbook.
Game Designer of 15 years. (worked on everything From AAA console to, Small indie titles.
The most common route to get into Game Design is to get hired on as a tester and transition to Game Design ( testing teaches you alot of things that are useful in Game Design).
That's not the path I took however, Straight out of school i took a job as a junoir designer for the Gambling industry and from there transition into PC, Console video games.
To get hired you need to show experience in designing game. But how do I get that if noone will hire me? Grab a free engine, Unity/Unreal etc and make a simple game, space invaders, pac man with a twist anything. Show that you can follow through with a project,. This will show that you have at the very least a basic understanding of how to tune difficulty, damage, health etc.
What I usually look for when hiring a junior:
Know how to use Excel or google sheets ( you don't have to be a math wizard, but you should be able to show you can organize numbers data)
Show you can document rules/mechanics in a way others can understand them ( a common test is to get applicant to write out the rules to Tic-tac-toe or Checkers. The goal here is to see if you know how to explain things in the correct order, what's most important what can you leave out. Can someone who's never played read your instruction and understand how to play)
Learn good communication, AKA Don't bury the lead.
People are impatient and you have to learn how to write using an executing summary. When explaining a mechanic noone should have to read through a whole paragraph to know what you're talking about. Think of newspapers, there is a headline that summarizes the content, and the details are below.
Social Skills: i know this one can be tricky, but like anything it comes with practice, go out to social events related to game dev (not with the intent of finding a job) just practice your social skills, talk to people and try to make friends. Make enough friends and when a job comes around someone may think of you.
** some good books to reference for your social skills:
How to Win Friends and influcence People < this one has a focus on sales, but there is alot of good general info in there as well. The gist is that people will like you better if they feel listened to, and are not impressed by you rambling on about yourself.
How to talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk <I read this when I had my first kid and was pleasantly surprised how much of it applied to my work life as well.
I could go on with more... but this is getting long
Seriously, my man- it really is that easy. Read How to Win Friends and Influence People a few times so you know it extremely well, internalize it and can follow all the instructions. Not only will you meet a lot of great people, it will help you in both your career and love life and you'll start really seeing the good in others in the world (and in your patients, which will help you take better histories and all in all be a better provider). When you become interested in others, you become interesting too and then from there build a base for real relationships.
It's a classic for a reason. GL!
I highly recommend reading two books asap:
These two books have both shaped me tremendously in terms of how I interact with an treat people and making those changes has only changed my life for the better both in business and personally. The first one is a more positive restore your faith in humanity type and the second is a more ruthless Machiavellian type but they both take an insightful look at people and how they influence each other. They also can both help guide you in decision making in certain situations.
Other than that, just relax, enjoy the ride, and do your best. Confidence is key.
Bonus book (nerd alert)
I learnt to game socialising really early on. I learnt (mechanically sometimes) how to mirror people, how to ask open ended questions, how to be charming (listen more than you talk) etc.
I put on my "doing things" armour and I pop around the shops, chatting and smiling to acquaintances, the checkout lady, the lass at the bakery and the bloke who runs the grocer. I smile when I answer the phone... I used to play a game when I worked a checkout, that if someone came up in a bad mood, that I would have them smiling by the end of their transaction. I call it "being fluffy".
I'm NOT fluffy :) Even slightly :) But you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And the world is full of unhappiness and shitty behaviour, and I undo it where I can. Most of the time.
So the point is, you need a functioning persona who is fluffy. Learn it mechanically if you have to. You can then enjoy having a chat with your hairdresser, some random at a party, the lady next to you on the bus, the lonely old lady who comes into the shop; without it touching you, affecting you, or exhausting you.
I can count on the fingers of one hand the people I can have utterly uncensored conversations with. Both hands if I take out the woo :) I have fairly extreme Spiritual and Political opinions :)
So look at books like "How To Win Friends and Influence People" - you might think its a hokey as shit (it is :) - but read it anyway. Look at the other books Amazon recommends when you look it up The Fine Art Of Small Talk for example. Click on the ranking guides for Bestselling Conversation Guides... It just.... almost an acting class... It helps you to glide through the small, frustrating, unfulfilling conversations that make up most of your everyday life. They just wash over you, because it is an alter ego dealing with them, not you.
If you come across someone with a bit more spark in them, drop something a bit deeper, a bit meatier. Look for events like "Philosophy in the Pub" or Poetry readings where you're more likely to meet deep and meaningful people :)
I have "tells". I talk about angels (everybody loves angels), Extinction Rebellion, Regeneration 2040, that we're in a Mercury retrograde, that my husband had to salt his office door against an HR troll... I'm looking for witchy marxists, basically :) :)
But ONE of these things, not all of them. If I get a snort, or disquiet, or even a blank look I back right off. But every now and then, someone goes "Yeah really messy against this background eclipse season and with Neptune squaring Jupiter" and I know I've hit a tribe member :)
Think of the things you love having deep conversations about, and build "lures" to drop into conversations. That way, when someone responds positively, you'll have found someone that you can build a more intimate rapport with.
I find with people I can actually talk to, I find ways to see them more often :) I've just found out that one of my bellydancing friends is really into tarot. I'm already plotting some sort of event I can invite her to :) Possibly a Storytelling event by candlelight, or a Sound Healing. You'll know these people when you hit them !! Find some way of staying in touch !
Well that's my 2000 words for the day :) I hope I haven't talked your ear off and that some of it is useful !
I'm really interested in what you said about not being able to communicate with your team leads. Can you expand on that for us? What specifically makes it hard for you to communicate with them?
I ask this only because...there's an activity I participated in during high school and college that I believe is responsible for most of my salary growth over my career. Know what it is? Speech and Debate.
Being able to communicate with anyone effectively is an incredibly valuable skill that you should work on. And I think you are correct that it's harming your career not to be able to do that.
As an initial recommendation, the book How to Win Friends and Influence People is a classic that will get you started.
Some people like Toast Masters, but that's specifically about public speaking, and I'm not a fan. I'm talking about learning how to effectively communicate with anyone, no matter who they are.
The title is dorky, and suggests a topic that’s completely unrelated to OPs original question. But the answers are in there, written brilliantly, and is especially effective for people who like to
>> ...launch into a logical argument with them right there and then.
Personally, that book changed how I’ve approached such situations dramatically. I can not recommend this book strongly enough.
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Go out and make friends, go to local events etc. No need for magic for this.
Remember their name, ask questions about their interests, and talk about their interests.
As time passes, friends start to drift due to work / their newly founded families. Awesome-close-friends will always be there. Don't waste your time on people like that. He's frankly not worth your time. If you want to make friends easier. I'd suggest this book my mentor told me to read: https://www.amazon.ca/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034
Back to the car topic: Assuming you're in your 20s. My personal opinion is go for the S2000, Golf R, 370Z, BRZ, STI or a Civic Type R (Track ready cars). Only upgrade the brake fluid (e.g. RBF 600). Spend the money on track school. If you can't shake this friend, then take him to a lapping day. You'll probably out pace him at that point. I've the Golf R (S3, clone) - the car understeers in the corners, can't push that hard in the corners. I'm pretty sure I'm faster in the S2000 than I am in the Golf R.
Assuming you're in your 20s, get a car you can't get in your 30s. I'd suggest a 2-seater, or 2-door coupe, such as S2000, Miata, BRZ, 370Z.
TL;DR: Focus on what you want for yourself, and not someone that is not worth your time.
A few I enjoyed
You just descried me and quite a few other teens when we were that age. Divergent interests are a thing, and you're absolutely not an asshole for the reasons of:
You take great pains to not make the other parties feel uncomfortable
You actually have the self consciousness to ask a question like this in the first place.
The judgment aside, it sounds like you're more introverted, and your friends/acquaintances are more extroverted. There's nothing wrong with this - it's your personality and developed over time. Extroverts tend to enjoy communication with others more, even if that communication is phatic or not substantial or meaningful. Just socializing. Being with others. The fact that they're doing this with you means that they probably enjoy having you around.
Small talk is a skill that can be learned, it just comes more naturally to some people rather than others. Killing off that anxiety will probably help more than anything. If I were in your position, I'd get a copy of How to win friends and influence people and take the advice it gives to heart - the book is a classic for a reason.
Also look up Toastmasters and see if they have a chapter near you - it's a training group for public speaking. Both of these will go a great way to dispelling that anxious feeling.
But apparently you do need some Carnegie
How to Win Friends & Influence People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0671027034/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_BwBzCbZJET3VR
Under most circumstances, I would suggest for someone to march anywhere, no matter what.
But reading a bit of your posts, I would suggest that you might want to take the summer off to instead practice, work out, take a dance class, and read.
This is not intended as snark, but a genuine suggestion if your goal is to make a top corps. It takes more than just finances and ability to play... it is also about "plays well with others".
How to Win Friends & Influence People